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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can he not want to see his baby

148 replies

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:03

Left H mid January because I was really unhappy with him working away all the time. Moved in with my parents to get some support. DD is 7 months now.

He is welcome any time, but only sees her when he dosent have work. He has work 2 weeks straight so won't be seeing her for at least that long. I just don't get it! If I go out for the day I MISS her, 2 weeks would be awful. AIBU to want to shake him?

OP posts:
mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 02/03/2018 13:06

I am self-employed. If I turn down a client because I want time off (even though I don't tell them why I can't do their job booking), I am likely to lose that client and being self-employed (for most of us) only succeeds if you are flexible with clients and prepared to work hard and get their work done as quickly as possible.

timeisnotaline · 02/03/2018 13:12

Poor op is getting a very unfair pasting! He isn’t the provider, she works full time and does the house and parenting as well. If my dh chose to work 7 days a week and didn’t have to I’d be pretty damn upset with him too. Perfectly fair the op got sick of it and left.

ThisLittleKitty · 02/03/2018 13:19

It's not that bad, my ex hasn't seen our daughter in over 2 months (last seen her when she was 8 months she's now 10 months) and he doesn't work so that isn't the reason. Some people just don't care about their kids.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/03/2018 13:24

I get confused as to what men are supposed to do

According to MN they must get a highly paid low hours job that keeps the woman in style then come come and take over parenting and do their share of the housework Hmm

If they don't work or work part time they are a cocklodger and should be kicked to the kerb whilst women are encouraged to do the same and the man should just put up and shut up finance wise.

pallisers · 02/03/2018 13:31

I am self-employed. If I turn down a client because I want time off (even though I don't tell them why I can't do their job booking), I am likely to lose that client and being self-employed (for most of us) only succeeds if you are flexible with clients and prepared to work hard and get their work done as quickly as possible.

So you work seven days a week and rarely see your children - like the OP's husband. That must be hard on you. Are you sure it wouldn't be better for everyone if you weren't self-employed?

Teateaandmoretea · 02/03/2018 13:31

No Yellow that isn't it at all and is just utter nonsense. The OP doesn't need 'keeping' she is working full time herself.

Women do not need supporting by men.

pallisers · 02/03/2018 13:33

I get confused as to what men are supposed to do

Do you? How strange. They should work to support themselves and their children and actually participate in rearing those children. It isn't actually difficult to comprehend but if you DO have difficulty and get confused an easy trick is to think what a women is supposed to do and just change woman to man in that sentence and there you have it.

OuchBollocks · 02/03/2018 13:35

Its depressing

OuchBollocks · 02/03/2018 13:36

Its depressing how low the standards some people have for men are.

Somerville · 02/03/2018 13:37

Somerville that total crap. The first year or so of my ds' life, dh saw ds for approximately a week once every 3 months. They have a great bond. Quantity doesn't always equal quality.

I completely diasgree. A lot of research has gone into this, and it concludes that quality parenting involves regular loving interaction with a child, and being there for the boring bits not just the fun occasions. I don't think four weeks over the course of your daughter's first year will have caused their bond - it will be the subsequent time he's put in since.
Clearly needs must sometimes - it sounds like you were happy and able to raise your child without her father for 3 months at a time. But presumably this is something you and he agreed before you decided to have children? OP and her ex didn't, he changed the goalposts once the baby was born.
My father travelled extensively which meant my mother had to give up her own career, and I was an only child for over a decade. They both look back with regret, and indeed, did things very differently with my much younger sister. It doesn't make them bad parents and I have got closer to my father as I got older. But if he'd buggered off regularly without my mother agreeing to it then he wouldn't be a good parent - like in OP's case.

AngelsSins · 02/03/2018 13:45

Well what's the alternative? He takes her with him to work!? confused

Well let's see, how about thinking about if you have the time to be a parent before actually bringing a life into this world that you have no time for? Or is that expecting too much from men?

AngelsSins · 02/03/2018 13:47

I get confused as to what men are supposed to do

It's very simple, they shouldn't have kids if they don't have time to be a parent. Why is that so hard to understand?

timeisnotaline · 02/03/2018 15:15

Well what's the alternative? He takes her with him to work!? confused
I think you must be confused often. He has said he could work 6 days instead of 7 for example ...So that’s the bloody hugely obvious already agreed alternative? But he had gone back on that and chooses not to take one day a week off work. They aren’t on the breadline, and op works. it’s a choice, and it has cost him his family. Which he doesn’t seem that bothered about. Most people regard working 7 days a week as unsustainable long term anyway.

Shmithecat · 02/03/2018 15:40

Pallisers, it wouldn't make any difference of my dbro was SE or PAYE - the job is still the same.

Allthewaves · 02/03/2018 15:45

What is his job

Inretreat · 02/03/2018 16:02

Seriously? My DH worked all the hours god sent when DC were little. It was annoying sometimes and I often struggled coping but overall I was grateful he was prepared to put in so much effort to improve our lives.

And did you also work, or did you miss the part where OP says she also works and has a decent job and he doesn't actually need to work 7 days a week?

Because it's so easy to get another job isn't it?

Many many many women have no choice but to change jobs when they're left holding the baby. Working 7 days a week just isn't an option when you have a dependent child to care for, unless you're a man of course, then you can work whenever you want and absolve yourself of family responsibilities and loads of women on the internet will support you.

Don't blame you for leaving op, sounds like you'll be fine on your own, your DD however may have problems bonding with her absent father then he'll wonder why she doesn't want to spend time with him.

RadioGaGoo · 02/03/2018 16:08

Yellow, you just spout bitter, projecting rubbish all the time.

Starlight2345 · 02/03/2018 16:26

Op . You feel completely unsupported by stbexh, do people really think op took leaving so lightly she was struggling and got no support.
Op you are not unreasonable to want him to take an interest in you and you .
What I will say is no amount of wanting him to see his child will make him

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 16:26

Unpopular though it might be I think Yellow has a valid point reading some of the entitled posts on Mumsnet in general.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 02/03/2018 16:32

RadioGaGoo

Strangely, I find @Yellow speaks a lots of common sense. People wouldn't be in half their problems if they applied little.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 02/03/2018 16:39

I am self-employed. If I turn down a client because I want time off (even though I don't tell them why I can't do their job booking), I am likely to lose that client and being self-employed (for most of us) only succeeds if you are flexible with clients and prepared to work hard and get their work done as quickly as possible.

You work 7 days a week because you can't turn down clients?

CDAlady · 02/03/2018 16:57

This is one of the strangest threads I have read on MN and I have been on here for over 10 years.

The OP works full time AND takes responsibility for her child and home. I guess most people on here are mothers? We know what that means. It means broken sleep, getting up early every single day, cooking,cleaning, buying clothes and laundry,house maintenance, organising and liaising with childcare and generally dedicating headspace as well as physical energy to the running of the home and the well being of the child. Plus not being able to go out or even go shopping without getting a babysitter. Moving to her parents might have eased things a little, but she is basically still responsible for all of that 24 hours a day 7 days a week. On what planet is her DH such a great person because he chooses to work 6 or 7 days a week?

Telling somebody they are unreasonable to not be able to tolerate a partner who chooses to opt out of doing childcare and running a home when she too works full time is madness. Even if it were the 1950s and she didn't work FT I would say it was unfair. She's not a domestic servant. They are supposed to be a team.

What on earth is wrong with some of you? Utterly bizarre.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/03/2018 16:59

So youve left him because he's out working to provide for his child. Would you rather he slobbed around all day drinking and smoking pot. Honestly some people don't know when they've got it good.
I'd have loved to have stayed at home with my dd, but I was a single mum with a mortgage. I had to go out to work. Who else was going to pay the bills and mortgage. It didn't mean it didn't want to see my dd.

CDAlady · 02/03/2018 17:02

OP is ALSO working FT to support her child !!!!

downthestrada · 02/03/2018 17:03

I think people are missing the fact that OP works full time and earns the same as her DH. She also does everything at home and looks after their child.