to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Really?the usual mn narrative is
Have too many hobbies/Ones dp is loaded/why have kids to abandon them

No regrets with going back to work. It was best for my mental health and so for our family relationships. I do wish to go part time in the future but it is no option now.

Good job there are sahms who can role model caring for your own child for the majority of their waking hours for those who don’t have that as well then isn’t there?

No.

My kids are 9 and 6 now, I am lucky in that I work five minutes away and can juggle working from home if necessary. But I was bored shitless before I went back to work and I definitely would be now if I was a SAHM! I’m a lazy bastard when not working - I get more done when I have a full schedule.

Also we’ve have no snow so no crisp white playtime to miss out on

Good job there are sahms who can role model caring for your own child for the majority of their waking hours for those who don’t have that as well then isn’t there?

Agreed.

My DC know I have an MSc, same as DH. They know what I did before I had them. They know it was a more "worthy" job than DH has, but also has a high burn out rate and nowhere near as well paid. They know what I do now and that I'm happy. They have no experience of nannies or childcare, so comparing their lives to that wouldn't even occur to them.

What I hope for my DC is that they will have the freedom of choice - i.e. not to be trapped at work if they would rather be with their kids and not to be trapped at home either if that's not what they want.

I was home for years and loved it.

The difference is that if you go back to work and regret it, you can quit. Once you've stayed at home a long time, if you regret it you can be quite stuck.

For me, it would have been a disaster if I'd been home much longer, because my DH had unexpected health issues and was off work for some time and now back part time. As it was, I had to take a full time job, because part time work was rare in my area unless you've managed to secure it post mat leave, and only managed to get as good a job as I'd left because I had luckily kept up with some professional contacts.

If I won the lottery and was totally secure, I'd be a SAHM in a minute, but given the uncertainty of life (including an unplanned DC4 on the way!), am so glad I've kept a foot in the door of work.

Am still hoping to have a chance to be a SAHM with all kids at school though. My house would be tidy! Books would be read! My kids would stop complaining that my 'meal planning' is actually just the same weekly Tesco order and 5 dinners on repeat!

Caring for others - including children- is a very valuable thing to do.

absofrigginlootley Thank you for your encouragement! You've made so many great points, that I've been struggling to express.

And speakout, love how you've described the importance of caring roles! Thank you, I needed to hear that this evening.

Talking about yourself in past tense,used to work,things given up,used to be
means sahm are reliant on other working women to model employment to their kids

We tried for a long time to start a family so when it happened I knew I wanted to not miss out on anything while the children were small. Over the past ten years or so I have been mainly a SAHM with bits and bobs of work here and there. I have on the whole loved it as I love pottering about at home, but money has been tight and I don’t like being financially dependent. I have just got another part time job in fact and as my kids aren’t so tiny anymore I am looking forward to it. I definitely don’t regret being at home while they were very young though.

lipstick social how do you explain myself (educated, qualified, varied nursing career) and my DSis (VERY high earning in finance in the city, doesn't want children) as I explained before?

Surely in the absence of an apparently incredibly necessary female working role model our lives should have turned out by differently according to your theory???

*so how

Dunno where that social came from

*very

Not by

Stupid autocorrect

On role models, my SAHM mum presented herself as a negative role model (my father pressured her to give up work after dc arrived) and urged my sister and I to always stay in paid employment and be independent of a man so we don't end up trapped like she did.

I took it to heart as did my sister. We are both still working ft and always have.

I do think it is a waste of talent to society to obtain a high level of education and qualifications to then give it up for caring for one's family. Caring is worthy but you don't need years of studying to do it and it is a loss of that person's skill and experience in the wider community. I cannot see that aspect as good role modelling. How do I justify to my dd that she has to work hard to get a good degree if she sees that I do not use it and am financially dependent on someone else's, specifically a man's, "high" earning power?

Op- what were you really trying to achieve from this post ?? Did you expect working moms to say how much they detest working and not being a sahm or are you looking for support in your decision ?

I really don’t understand the purpose of this thread???? Isn’t it a point of everyone making the right decisions for their family, lifestyle , happiness , future etc? We women give each other such a hard time at times!

I do think it is a waste of talent to society to obtain a high level of education and qualifications to then give it up for caring for one's family. Caring is worthy but you don't need years of studying to do it and it is a loss of that person's skill and experience in the wider community.

2 points

1. You've just demonstrated why society fails to value SAHMs and the unpaid "work" they do. I am not wasting my education. My psychology and nursing background and general education makes me a better mother experienced mother than I would have been otherwise. I am hopefully raising a positive, caring, thoughtful and kind future member of society. How is not worthy?

1. You in fact, do need years of studying to provide caring to a high level. As a nurse I could go on for pages why being educated and intelligent is essential for high quality care delivery but I would bore you so please just accept it as true

Also, genuine question... but if you found a childminder or nanny to care for your children while you're out at work, who was highly qualified, studied child development/psychology at university, was intelligent and emotionally responsive to your children, stimulating them with plenty of reading, messy and play and outdoor time, would you feel delighted? Or that she was "wasting her education?

Is the only difference if it's your own child or someone else's whether value is placed in the work? Or is it purely a case of being "paid" financially for the work? Does it cease to be of "value" to society with no monetary exchange attached?

Go absofrigginlutely!!!!!

cherry if you spend any time at all on MN you'll know that mums in paid work frequently ask sahms if they regret their choice? Often this is done in a patronising and condescending manner "What do you do all day?" "Aren't you bored?" etc etc etc

In light of this, it's hardly surprising that a sahm might just once asking the question!.........hoping for an honest discussion of a topic we've all had to try and figure out.

Abso, the fact is I don't need a qualified nurse or someone who studied child development/psychology at university to look after my dcs to a high standard. In the days I used childcare when the dcs were little, I was looking for a carer was warm and responsive to their needs, with common sense and likes to be around children. I wasn't asking to see degrees. In fact, the more cerebral type might find it a little more frustrating to be around very young children - I speak for myself of course.

That is why I say it is a bit of a waste. Most mothers will bring some skill to parenting that is unique to them, such as your psychology and nursing or my cooking and organisation but it does not have to be to a degree or professional standard. Ordinary women can make great mothers. My mother was a nurse before she was a SAHM by the way.

Abso would a doctor provide a higher level of care because he/she studied for longer than a nurse? I don't necessarily think so (my father is a doctor and my mother a nurse, so speak from some personal experience). There is no direct correlation between the ability to care and the level of qualification. Of course, a tertiary degree is helpful to decode the mass of parenting and healthy living guff out there and to help with with homework, but I am biased because it is possible to WOHM and use a tertiary degree for the benefit of dcs without having to be a fulltime SAHM.

blueshoes I think maybe you've misunderstood me, or maybe I didn't make my point clear.... I'm not that one needs a degree or whatever to be a decent mother, that would of course be ludicrous. I'm just saying that it is not a waste of a degree/education to "just" be a SAHM. One can still use their education to positively benifit their DC. Which in turn benifits and contributes positively to wider society. Like, in my own personal example, I feel my working experience and education enhances my ability to be a good mother.

Ones contribution to wider society cannot be measured purely in terms of economic/monetary value surely? Otherwise, there would be no value to people who volunteer in schools, hospital, for charities etc. Which would be nonsense because of course there is a huge value in such unpaid work.

There is no direct correlation between the ability to care and the level of qualification.
....well it depends what context you are talking about but overall - having worked in a variety of care homes, community supportive living homes, NHS in and outpatient facilities both as an "unqualified/unskilled" and "qualified" HCP - I would say that there definitely is a correlation between intelligence/education and quality of care. I've never worked in a children's nursery or childcare setting (my experience is with adults, the elderly, mental health and learning disabled adults) but I would bet good money that those facilities that value and train their staff to a high standard have better levels of care than those with a high proportion of unskilled, untrained workers.

There is no direct correlation between the ability to care and the level of qualification.

Oh stupid thing posted your quote at the bottom too....! I hate this damn phone