to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Quite the opposite.

I am soooo glad I stuck at WOHM. Now the children are 14 and 11, I feel I have built up a family life and full career, outside of the school gates which does not figure in my life any more. It is frantic and lots of balls in the air that a ft WOHM has to balance but it is nice to have a very decent income and kids I can financially support to uni and beyond (aka bank of mum and dad). Knowing that I will have some form of paid work which is sustainable until I am 65 or longer makes me feel safe and calm.

I may have missed something but didn't get that from this thread at all - I found it interesting to read people's different views. TBO your post
comes over as a bit defensive but obviously you will disagree.

No.

I get a lot from my work that my children cannot give me, and vice versa. I like the balance.

No I don't regret it , although I was quite part time when my children were young so I was at home with them a lot also. I'm glad I've kept a career going and that we are in a decent financial position now. It was very hard working with 4 young children but we worked around each other so my dh had them on his own at weekends when I worked . we missed ut on family time but we have survived !

No regrets here. I have a well paid, flexible job and 2 happy children. What’s to regret? Although obviously I can’t know how things wouldn’t have turned out if I had given up work.

It’s a shame if this turns into another bunfight. Why can’t people just accept that different people have different circumstances and different preferences?

I'm glad I went back to work when I look at where the people who didn't go back ended up. SAH sounds like a good idea when you have preschoolers, but once they're at school there's a lot of missed career ground to make up for.

Also I don't think the majority of people factor in that one salary might be ok for a young family but unless one of you is a particularly high earner you are likely to be really stretched when you have teenagers.

I know someone who resisted work on principle, and still goes to pick up her teenage daughter daily from school, desperately trying to hang onto something. I wouldn't want to be there.

Let’s see,Do I regret...
Being a good role model
Having a stimulating & interesting career
Being solvent
My own Disposable income
Sense of achievement
Security of career & own money
Adult stimulation
Maintain career
no guilt,no mum angst,I refuse to be laden with societal expectation of giving things up. Mum Guilt is anathema to me

So irrespective of how picturesque a few days in snow,seems I’ll maintain all of above

SAHM for 14 years, wish I'd gone back much sooner (difficult due to SN child but might have been possible). Lost a lot of career progression and was a shit parent anyway.

Ah if this is about the snow, I spent the last 3 days working from home and managed to fit in a walk with my children and their friend to Greenwich park to toboggan down the slopes followed by a hot lunch, hot choc and cake at the coffee shop. This WOHM does not feel she is missing out much.

lipstick

Being a good role model

Because the only way we can be a good role model is to have a career.

Yes, I wish more than anything I could stay home and watch my child grow and learn. I have no choice as a lone parent I have to work full time to pay the bills. I regret it so much tho. They are only young once. I reckon you feel it both ways...danmed of you do and dammed if you don't.

Work and had plenty of snow sledge days.. of course when snow still there on a weekend.
And work pays for things like nice holidays.
Plenty of jolly memories.

OP you won't find many posters on MN who say they regret going back to work outside the home. Eventhough it is a "mums" site the general feeling is quite anti-SAHM.

I've been told I'm not setting a good example to my DD (or setting a 1950s example), not contributing equally to my family, that my DH is going to leave me and I'll be fucked financially etc etc etc. Of course I've never actually revealed any personal details about my marriage or financies but people seem to love to generalize.

For me and DH there was never any question that I would return to work after having DD. We planned for over a decade for it financially before we had her. We've been together for decades and friends since childhood. I know him inside and out and our marriage is solid. I know people will roll their eyes at that, but they don't know us and have never met us. Financially we are very secure. My DH also earns a high wage and I don't need to work. He could not do his job without me at home because he often has to take off for days at a time with a few hours notice. If I went back to work I would have had to do all the juggling with childcare/school, sickness, school holidays etc as his job does literally not allow for it and I just cba with the hassle. I wouldn't go back to what I was doing (nursing) now anyway because the NHS is awful (so my HCP friends tell me daily).

My DM was a SAHM until I was 14. I can't say that it had adversely affected me in terms of ambition/qualifications/career because I have a degree, 2 postgraduate degrees and a successful nursing career before I chose to give up work. So I don't see how she set me a bad example???

As far as Silvery said I will say though that my DM was one of those "old school" SAHMs who did make her DC her entire life, but that is more due to her personality (narcissistic) and it is something I an incredibly conscious of with DD. I would never place the burden of feeling responsible for my emotional well being onto her.

I enjoy being at home with DD. We watch zero hours of TV (?!) and go to regular nature education sessions, toddler music groups, library story times, playgroups, nature walks etc. We spend lots of time reading and free self directed play which gives me time some days to pursue my own interests (reading). As she gets older (school aged) I plan to do some voluntary work and in the far future embark on a new career (maybe in research?) when she is much older. I'm not worried about filling my time, I have many interests and passions.

I’m taking a career break. My 3 year old is going through an autism diagnosis & we get DLA for him & child disability tax credits. Once my career break starts I will also be able to claim carers allowance & income support. I will be better off every month & that’s before commuting costs for my part time job.
I plan to return when he starts school. I’m rubbish at interviews, at a decent grade, fantastic holidays & benefits.

Mentally it’s not doing me good being at home but I’ve got PTSD as my 9 month old almost died when born then everything with the 3 year old....it’s really stressful. I don’t have the Mental capacity for work yet being at home.... I my best to
Amuse entertain & educate both and it’s a struggle staying on top of housework, admin, dinners etc. I appreciatey circumstances are different for other SAHM but I genuinely take my hat off to them. It’s a huge sacrifice.

Oh and also on the subject of SAHMs setting a bad example career wise I meant to say that my DSis (despite having the "poor example" of a SAHM) is well educated and works as a partner in finance in the city earning stupid money, living the high life and regularly travels the world on exotic holidays with her DH and has zero intentions of having her own DC

I planned to take 6 months off work.

When I had my first I massively changed my mind and jacked in my career.
Being a SAHM has been amazing, and led to many things I would never have dreamed of doing, including now ( 20 years later) running a successful small business earning more than if I had stayed on my career track.
Being a SAHM gave me the freedom to explore options in my life.

It depends what kind of example you want to set. It’s important to me that my children weren’t put into group childcare at a young age. I didn’t have a relative who could care for them and I wasn’t going to work to pay a nanny to do what I was more than happy to do myself.
If my children follow that example with their own children I’d be delighted tbh though it’s their choice.

Yes. Whole heartedly. I'd give anything to be a SAHP

I'm not sure what a natural sahm is, I don't think any of us are born knowing it all

That's quite an offensive interpretation when you read the whole of that post. And continues in your smug tone of your op. Not one Person suggested they didn't have the ability or weren't capable. We are all mums, we all have the skill set. , I'm sure you know full well what was being said when it was stated they were not a natural was they didn't want to.

Honestly, there are many abilities people should feel smug about but sledging and baking cup cakes ain't one of them.

When we write of caring for others as a poor role model it is damaging for society. It also reduces the value of those who do paid caring work in our society- nurses, carers for the elderly, nursery workers.

It's sad if the only role model that is worthy in some eyes is the desire for career success.

I don't know why it constantly gets trotted out on here that you can't possibly find stimulation outside the kids if you SAH. As if all SAHP are mindless drudges Yes, it's true, I was probably all about the toddler groups in the early years, but since my four have been at school, I feel like I've had the time and freedom to reinvent myself. A whole new lease of life! I've renovated eight properties and got into interior design; qualified as a Pilates teacher; got back into contemporary ballet (even though I'm 40) and I love it! I'm learning another language. I have some friends from "the school gates", but equally I have friends from uni, local friends from running club, Pilates, ballet etc and DH and I have all our friends we've made in the 17 years we've been together. Life is as varied as you make it. Nobody is "just" a SAHM and nobody is "just" their job either - and if anyone thinks their "role" defines their worth, then that is boring!

Agree with you, @Pork, I'd be very happy if my DCs followed the role I'm trying to model which is someone who is always there
I am a SAHM who is back at work so to speak. When DD was one I got a job 4 hours a week, 2 from home, simple admin assistant (I was previously a teacher). I did not go looking for this, it was offered to me, word of mouth and I was taken aback but dh was keen on the extra money. When DD was 18 months they wanted me to work more hours and after discussion with DH reluctantly doubled to 8. I am now pretty sure this was a mistake. I am stressed all the time, know I'm not as good a min to DD as i was, know I'm not as good a housewife, know I'm not as good a wife and nor am I enjoying myself. Around Christmas i got asked to take on an extra project of overtime. In the last month and a half have had to do an extra 40 hours on to of my 8 a week. Fucking hell i nearly died. DH, my mum, my dad, my friends, everyone has had to pick up slack for me. And DD has definitely suffered. Wish I'd never taken the fucking job in the first place. They are talking now about maybe increasing my hours in a few months - i HAVE to nip it in the bud (bear in mind tho... I dont have childcare bar the two hours I actually have to work in the office a week, when DM normally has DC, although about once a month I have to bring her in with me. So all my other hours are worked during naptimes/evenings/weekends, who h is presumably why it feels like no balance at all - because for the past month or so I have effectively been working one and a half jobs).

I don’t have to justify or explain being a good role model to my kids.imo,I am.
I have worked,studied,put my self through arduous situations.because I wanted to
What I studied at uni,the efforts I’ve invested into working it’s satisfying
My kids see that,it’s not abstract or tenuous.its a day to day work ethic
Sahm who don’t work rely on other working women to model female employment to their kids.

sahm who don’t work rely on other working women to model female employment to their kids.

Hmmmm so how do you explain myself and my DSis then as I outlined above?

I don't think there is any one way to set a positive female role model to your DC. I agree with PP who said that disrespecting the caring work (paid or unpaid) that people do is damaging for society.

I don't have to justify the positive role model that I know I am setting for my DD either

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Most SAHM have worked, and will work again.
We are not talking about an alien race here.