to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Silvery this is of course anecdotal, but I can compare my full time career woman mother and SAHM MIL. Now that kids have left home, mum still has her rewarding, interesting career. MIL lives for, and through, her children and grandchildren only. I know which appeals to me more.

I don't regret it, no. The benefits are very significant in terms of the lifestyle I can provide the DCs with, the flexibility and options it gives my DH, the economic security for myself.

Plus my job is very stretching/interesting (verging on too much so) and I'd hate to feel the effort that was put into my education was wasted.

That's not to say it's not very tough sometimes. I find the mental load and energy required for both difficult to sustain.

But then lots of things that are worth it are hard.

I'm off on mat leave soon and will be hoping to drop to four days when I come back. Anything more part time than that wouldn't work in my industry, but that will make a big difference.

When Im at work I want to be at home with my DC and be a sahp and when I am at home all the time I can't wait to go back to work.

No regrets after going back with dd1. Currently on mat leave and don’t want to go back but I know I’ll love it.

I’m doing very well with my career, I love it and it’s part of my identity. As is being a mum, a wife, a feminist and about a million other things.

I love my children but beware the naked man who offers you a shirt. For me caring for myself to care for others involves cultivating my working identity. That might not be true for you but surely you can understand that some people enjoy working? That some people need to work because of reasons? That some people have terrible post natal depression and can’t stay at home? Abs a million other things?

Your OP and subsequent posts sound a bit sneery like you don’t believe that everyone doesn’t want to be a SAHM and you’re trying to expose that. Why? You’re happy- good for you. Your choice isn’t everyone’s ideal- fact.

I don't regret it because I had no choice. I have to work or we'd have to move to another area, smaller house, be on the bread line. But, if I was loaded I would absolutely definitely be a SAHM (btw no one in my husbands family believe this - they all keep telling me im a career woman. Well it's true I have a well paid, professional job. But I'd pack it in today if I won the lottery. I adooooorrrrreeee my children and don't want to miss even a second that I don't have to with them)

No, I didn't regret it at all. Would have been utterly depressed if I was at home full-time with babies/toddlers. Not for me.

I reduced my hours when they started school. My kids were fine in daycare - playing, having naps etc. School was harder and I felt putting them into after-school every day was too much for them. I also cut back more for the teen years - that was when my children REALLY needed me there. Luckily, I had nearly 20 years with my firm at that point, they knew me and trusted me so were happy for me to be very flexible/work at home etc. If I were just starting back at work, I'm not sure what I would have done - dd1 would definitely have suffered or else I'd have had to quit.

My pension pot is great from all those years of working - for a while just to pay childcare. I've made great friends. I felt I contributed to something in those years too. We had loads of lovely times with the small kids too - days out at the weekend, snow days, days off when we took them off somewhere etc.

I agree with OP though that people don't seem to think minding pre-school children is work. Of course it is work - I had to pay people to do it for me.

Many thanks for those who replied to my post and to you OP for your kind words.

Regret it is the wrong word. I don't have a choice and nor do most people. But if you are asking am I sad and wish that I could be a sahm then absolutely yes I do.

You do realise it's not a choice for huge amounts of us?

I don’t regret going back to work no.

But now the dcs are at primary school, I would like to be a SAHM because it is much much harder with us two parents with stressful jobs and squeezing in time for the dcs.

It’s an interesting question btw, OP, because I suspect if you asked every woman when she’s nearing the end of maternity leave whether she would prefer to stay home, probably quite a large proportion would say yes. That’s because emotionally you can get quite a surge of feeling at that point. And also, quite frankly, although being at home
With a baby can be hard, combining it with working is even harder. However (and I think this is the most important point) once you’re back at work, you don’t continue feeling like this. You settle into it and suddenly you realise your baby is fine, and that you can retain this aspect of your pre baby life.
I actually felt massively more confident as a working woman after having my babies, which wasn’t something I’d expected at all.

I don’t think you can really judge which you prefer unless you’ve done both.
As a mum who sah until my children were at school I’m glad I did purely cos my children are at the age now where they are independent and would rather be doing things with friends than having ‘quality family time’ so I’m glad I didn’t give up any of that time when they were younger. But I don’t have the experience of having gone back to work when my children were young for any kind of comparison.
I also think that people who went back to work and regretted it would have given work up if they were able to. And those who needed to work can’t really regret not making the choice to stay home if it’s a choice they didn’t have.

I don't regret it. Done very well in my career and am financially secure and independent, with cash left over for treats and nice holidays.

I would have been goosed if I had made the choice to be a sahp - EX H turned out to have a huge gambling habit. We'd have lost the house if it wasn't for me working.

After the divorce, the house is mine. Financial independence is so important to me. I saw the struggle my Mum had after her and my Dad divorced and she had to start a career after being a sahp.

Porkflute most women have done both though- maternity leave? Which incidentally I finished earlier than intended because I wanted to get back to work. And I have the most amazing DCs ever as well

I always joke to DH that I’m going to give up work, but in reality I’d be bored to tears. I adore my DS and miss him at work, but I wouldn’t enjoy being a SAHM. I work 4 days and my perfect world would be 3 days, but I have so much leave so I take weeks off at Christmas, in the summer and work shorter weeks when I am in during the summer too. So feel I have the best of both worlds, plus the benefit of financial independence, more household income, final salary pension, a professional role, good example for my kids etc etc.

I bet your kids watch a lot more TV than mine as the time I spend with DS is proper, quality time. I I agree with pp that this is a stealth post. And I too have had a snow day as work is closed and I’ve claimed paid special leave, so actually I’ve made money from such a lovely day

The young child stage is a lot different to the baby stage though ime.

I have found it really, really hard to WoH since having DC, and it hasn’t got much easier (youngest DC is 7) but do not wish to be financially dependent on DH or lose my earning potential, or be poor in old age.

If you’re looking for lots of working mothers to tell you how miserable they are and how jealous they are of your perfect life, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I work four days a week and have absolutely no regrets. I’d go stir crazy as a sahm.

Nope. I don’t regret working for a second.

I haven't regretted it at all.

Nope not for a moment

I always enjoyed my job and despite pressure from my high earning husband I continued to after each child

which was good really as he left me out of the blue when our third (much planned and loved) child was 4 months old for his old school girlfriend!

Having MY job meant I could get a mortgage, buy my own home, continue to support my kids and be independent - if I had been a SAHM I would have been fucked

I'm four years into being a sahm after I got made redundant during maternity leave. I had planned to go back part time which would be my ideal situation. As it stands I'm hoping to start looking next year when ds2 gets his 15h free but I'm under no illusions about how hard it's going to be. It's a tough choice to make but importantly it is a choice rather than just expected.

For the most part this thread has been a discussion, with a bit of back and forth, but generally folks respecting others. There have been a few snidey comments, unfortunately commonplace in AIBU.

But
I bet your kids watch a lot more TV than mine as the time I spend with DS is proper, quality time.
Lookingforadvice123
that takes the biscuit. So yes, I'll bite. I'll bite at that one. Seriously???!!!!!
If you want to get into the nitty gritty of it feel free tell us all about the ages of your dc and how they spend their time.

I have been a sahm for the past 4 years and currently pregnant with dc3. I have never had a career as such and unfortunately the nature of my previous job changed...so I was glad in a way to leave. The only thing I have missed is having adult company although I am writing a novel which has kept me very occupied and mentally stimulated and which (although unlikely to be financially rewarding) is way more satisfying than remaining in my previous job. Being a sahm during the toddler years, I find the hardest (don't particularly relish toddler groups etc. and lack of head space) but I have a couple of projects on the go which should tide me over. Looking in on our situation, it does appear very 1950's (I am fortunate dh has a very well paid job) but in other ways it isn't 1950'ish - dh is very hands on with the children and doesn't blanch at housework/cooking etc and understands that I need a bit of 'me' time. My eldest daughter is proud of some of the voluntary stuff/book writing I have done outside of work, plus I have a good level degree so I think I am a positive role model in some respects. I have worked on my self esteem outside of employment/career and feel fortunate that I can be a bit of a maverick in some respects. I was able to support my eldest daughter with studying for the 11+ last year (she passed for an excellent grammar school) whilst juggling a three year old, and I think I was only able to do this because I didn't have work pressures on top of this. I am very grateful to be able to live like this and above all have the choice and do envisage returning to work at some point (to build up potential college funds). There will always be pros and cons to living life one way or another, I guess it is about finding what is right for you, right now I am making the most of my opportunity.

I have 1.5yr old twins and I went back to work full time a few weeks before they turned 1, I absolutely couldnt stay at home 24/7 and have huge admiration for those who do.

Im a nurse and on mat leave applied for jobs nearer to me, it meant dropping a band but I love my new job. I went from 4/5 day weeks with on calls that I had to stay over for, 45 mins travelling on the good days and the associated travel costs, to FT over 3 days literally a 4 min drive from my house.

I spend 4 days at home with my kids, I have more money despite the brand drop, I love my job now (absolutely LOVE it) and it keeps my brain active. I miss my kids terribly but its worth it to me as on my days off I try to do activities etc and make the most of our time together.

Is this the weekly SAHM v WOHM thread then?

Why would anyone compare themselves to anyone else - really? One person's "dream job" is the next person's idea of hell. What difference does it make?

If you didn't like your life or you felt you would regret missing out on something, then surely you would take steps to change it?

I've been a SAHM for almost 15 years. That speaks for itself - no justification needed. Obviously, if I wasn't happy I would have gone to work

If I had had to go to work, I wouldn't have regretted that either because why regret providing financially for your DC if it's what you need to do?

And if I felt more stimulated at work, then surely that's where I would be. But I don't, so I'm not.

It's irrelevant what anyone else does, surely?