to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

In the area I live, nannies are very common. As are nurseries and childminders. For pre school kids.
Like I've said before, it was relatively easy at that age.

DC have 16 weeks school holiday a year, and DH has 5 weeks annual vacation, which is very much the norm, and that's what I had too. How does that stretch in any form, to cover 16 weeks?? On top of which our youngest has a few more off besides. But that's another matter.
Working from home was not an option for me, and nor is it for him. Both our working hours were 60+ per week.
There is one holiday club in our area, that runs 10 till 4, for 2 weeks in the summer. And that is it.
I tried using it once for my eldest, but she hated it, and with a 1.5 hour commute, had to take half days off just so I could drop her there. While DH had to take another half day, so he could get back in time, to pick her up. It was farcical, and pointless.
Yes there can be a lot of smugness from those who have situations that enable them to work. Flexible careers and childcare choice, the option to 'work from home', or the ability to coordinate working shifts with your partner. But for a lot of people, that is simply not the case.

Mum - I’ve found most flexible working is low paid. They might be ‘smug’ as you put it but they are earning much less than they could earn working full time or not flexibily. I made a choice to work in a career where part time was an option - giving up my highly paid job to do so

‘why would you even think back to those few years?’

‘People have very few memories under school age ‘

Aren’t people missing the point about the early years though? The memories are mostly for us. It’s the importance of the early years in how our children’s brains and personality develop. The importance of the first few years can’t really be over stated. Isn’t that why these years are so important?

I work now and support parents doing whatever they need or want to, but personally I never felt comfortable relying on childcare in the early years. Isn’t that why people give up work? I understand the arguments about the future/financial situation and need/desire to work.

I do sympathise with the OP’s point, though I understand why she’s got a hard time too. I SAH for a year (plus ml) and you do experience judgement / quickly ‘become a nobody’ in many people’s eyes. It was quite shocking!

I tried that too apples&spears. Was offered a low paid part time 3 day per week school hours job, which seemed a great little filler, and I was a bit too hasty & optimistic in accepting. But I had to give it up after 3 months, as dc was off school more than she was in. And that was before we'd even contemplated the 16 school weeks off! 2 weeks of a summer club wasn't going to stretch very far with that...
Even one of my voluntary roles was a problem, as they needed guaranteed cover on set days, and that simply wasn't always possible.
The overall point I'm stressing, has of course been made elsewhere. Every family has their own set of circumstances. There are no norms. And it's wrong to generalise that the decision on whether to work or not, is simply down to personal choice alone.

I SAH while they were very little and then got a job working weekends when the youngest was 18 months and oldest was at preschool. When oldest started school I was able to increase my hours and now both are teenagers I’m 4 days a week. I have to say I never felt judged when I SAH. Maybe that would have changed if I SAH longer?

It’s tough isn’t it

But Mumto2two you chose to use a school that has 16 weeks holiday. All schools I know have 13 weeks holiday. Also presumably you chose the school despite knowing that it provided no holiday care. That’s obviously not an issue if you don’t want or need to work, but if you do, then surely you would have factored this in.

A child with a lot of health issues is a different issue and one that I agree must be very difficult to work around.

Aren’t people missing the point about the early years though? The memories are mostly for us. It’s the importance of the early years in how our children’s brains and personality develop. The importance of the first few years can’t really be over stated. Isn’t that why these years are so important?

I agree I found those comments confusing. Of course most people don't remember much if anything before the age of 4 or 5 but those early years are so critical for brain development in terms of empathy, attachment, frontal lobe processing etc.

Also, I thought most people look back wistfully through heavy rose tinted glasses at the baby/toddler years? I'm still right in the middle of them so no looking back for me, but I get told it often enough by older ladies in the supermarket/Drs office/street etc

I guess for someone not in my situation they wouldn't have automatically known the pressure that stay at home mum's are under. I made the assumption that everyone was aware of this because quite frankly it really is such a day in day out social pressure that stay at home mum's face, so apologies if the starting point from my thread was unclear.

I got the opposite tbh - dh has a good job. I did too but I can't tell you the number of times I heard people ask why I was working. But I am in the US.

Judging only by MN, I think there is a huge anti-SAHM sentiment on this site. That just doesn't exist where I am - it was presumed a mother might stay home for a year or two or five and then go back to work and everyone in the family knew she was contributing as much as the one earning outside the home because small children need to be reared and minded 24/7. The comments I read on MN about SAHMs (well you know you didn't earn that money - that kind of thing) are bizarre to me. I thought it was an MN thing - maybe it is a societal thing in the UK.

Pallisers - I think it’s different in the us because you get no maternity leave. In the uk you get a year so the assumption is you stay at home for a year then go back.

Pallisers I agree. I'm British but lived in the states for nearly 3 years now. I think SAHMs are much more accepted and respected over here.... I think probably because the church is quite encouraging of "traditional gender roles"(would you agree??)...in terms of I mean that it's a respected "position" to be a wife and mother and raising a family. Where we live in the north Midwest there are large homeschooling communities where the mums often take charge of the home, the family and their children's education while the husband sees it as his duty to provide financially for his family. Over certainly not received one negative comment from anyone in the whole time I've been here (well, apart from on MN!). In fact I've been told numerous times how staying at home is "so important", "valuable" and "wonderful" etc.

Maybe it would be different on the more "liberal" coasts. But here certainly it seems that mums only go back to work when they don't have a choice financially. Which is also very common unfortunately because there is no real social support (e.g. Benifits), maternity leave (typical seems to be 5-6 weeks), extended families living in different states, and often people have to work to retain their health insurance coverage.

I have 3 kids and work on and off around them so they don’t miss me during the day (even if some are in school/nursery) because I think it’s really important I am there for them while they really need me.
In a few years time they won’t yearn for me as much and then perhaps childcare can cover the hours I am in work but I truly believe that these younger years are the formative ones where their blue print for life is set. You only get one chance with your child. They will spend the rest of their lives fighting you anyway, best to make sure they have all the right tools and skills to do that with 😉
I have no regrets yet but I do yearn for my own piece of mind (and monetary) to go back to work mon-fri full time but can’t because my kids are far, far too young. My time will come again. Theirs won’t as they only get one shot at childhood. I want to be there for them now. No one can do my ‘job’ as a mum better than me. Being a SAHP is a PITA, a finically crippling time and boring like OMG boring (mums at school, mums at groups these aren’t people I would choose as friends outside of our one common bond: kids). It’s hard work, my worst critics are those I care about the most. It’s tough, really tough and no one cares about your struggles because they always say “well you choose to have them” to which I always reply “no they chose me”. Get their backs right up.

Why the rush to turn a post about the benefits of being a SAHM into one about how great it is to be working? Surely that wasn't the original question?

I've worked and not worked - both have upsides and downsides. Right now I'm a SAHM and it's sometimes brilliant! And sometimes awful. I don't regret giving up work this time at all. It was the right thing to do at this moment in time for my kids, my husband and me.

I have a question. Many working mums here seem very happy with their lot - which is great. I wish I had been, but I wasn't - I had no time to myself and life was a treadmill of work/kids/work/sleep. Repeat. Every day. Yes I had a work identity, interesting work, fab holidays, financial independence, etc, but I was exhausted and didn't really enjoy work, or my family. It was a grind, despite all outward appearances of success.

There was no way that I would have had time or headspace to even think about clicking on mumsnet, let alone reading comments and posting my own. No way in the world.

Is it possible that the working mums on this website have achieved the holy grail of a manageable work life (through hard work and perseverance - of course it has probably not been easy and sacrifices will have been made)? How on else do you have time to look at mumsnet?! No offence intended. Sounds great and I wish I'd managed it!

Pallisers - I don't think the MN narrative of, "it's not your money if you didn't earn it," etc is typical of general UK culture. Not at all! In fact, the first and only place I have ever heard that expressed is on MN. That kind of mentality simply wouldn't occur to anyone I know, working or otherwise.

I do often wonder whether it's MN that is extreme and a bit niche, or whether the part of London we live in is simply not representative if the UK as a whole. Sometimes I feel like it's a parallel universe on here.

MN is a nutty place.

The brain may well undergo substantial development in the early years, but there is no scientific evidence to show that there is any difference between children attending high quality childcare and children at home with a parent. You cannot take a class of older children and tell who had a SAHM and who had a WOHP.

Op,you don’t need to apologise for starting a thread or venting
It just explains the tone of your post adds a context
As I said I too get comments,☹️Aww face,or asked questions they already know answer to..but ask just to hear the no,im not
are you going to the sport day?

easter egg hunt etc?
These events are midweek in afternoon. They know I’m not going.i never go

Does it bother me?naw not really,but there is a comedic predictability to it.
I’m cast as absent,avaricious,work obsessed.in a way their dp who is also absent isn’t
It’s comedic because I can see the question coming a mile off,and the 😟face and the aww

I do not spontaneously discuss employment with sahm.
Can I get you anything? Tea?coffee?job?
If directly asked I’ll offer my POV

I set my face to screensaver mode and ignore the 😟aww crew.
I’d advise you do the same. Conserve your energies and all that

Why the rush to turn a post about the benefits of being a SAHM into one about how great it is to be working? Surely that wasn't the original question?

Re-read the OP. The question wasn’t put to SAHMs at all - the question was do you [wohm] regret working? How do you answer that without talking about how great it is to be working? Unless you think the thread should only be people who do regret it?

splishy
The OP addressed WOHP but didnt get the replies she expected or perhaps wanted.

With regard to whos money it is -overwhelmingly the MN mantra is "family money"
It is discussed in terms of who earns gets the pension at the end of their career and how SAHP can ensure they dont miss out.

A few strident posters chuck in the "not your money" but thats not the general opinion.

There seem to be so many SAHPs in the US because of the lack of maternity leave and flexibility in the workplace. You get a lot of very highly qualified women staying at home because the hours and expectations of their former careers are incompatible with raising children. This has been the experience of my friends in the US anyway, women with previously high-flying careers who found they were only seeing their children for 30 minutes before bed each day because of the pressures of their jobs. They would love to have reduced their hours but it seemed that nobody did this.

That is a really great question about balance splishy and it cuts to the real heart of the struggles with modern living.

How on else do you have time to look at mumsnet?

Personally I have been extremely lucky, I have plenty of time to MN. I work full time but compressed hours, I have 15 weeks of paid holidays a year, my salary is pro rated across holidays. DH works part time from home and does extra of the family stuff because he has more time term time. I pick up the slack in holidays. We are not rich by high end earners on MN standards but our combined salary is plenty where we live.

I think we have one of the better work life balances available in modern living but it is not perfect and it is still an impossible dream in most family set ups. For us it has been pure luck to have arrived at this.

I have 2 daughters and a son, I still believe that in reality we teach our daughters (particularly) that they can be anything they dream of until they become a mother. That rankles a lot with me and I don’t want that message for my girls.

I want my son to realise the role of men in society needs to change. For every woman who is out there working now there should be men in the background picking up the slack in the domestic life. That happens in my house.

My own view is that equality means equality of opportunity for both boys and girls. It is not that women should have “choices”, nothing annoys me more than that wholeheartedly underdeveloped philosophy.

Domestic chores did not vanish when women entered the workplace and children did not suddenly start to take care of themselves. The notion of “choice” for women seems to almost ignore that reality. Women in the main are typically expected to pick up the lions share of domestic life (by themselves, society, often their partners) combined with work or alternatively drop out of work entirely to SAH because of a variety of circumstances and this is all dressed up as them having choices.

Real equality would support both parents shouldering their role as a parent equally and both of them having equal time to forge ahead with other roles along the way.

We are a million miles away from true equality but that is definitely what I am trying to emulate as best as I can in the context of my own home life, but only because I am so bloody lucky to have a role that is far better than most in this regard and DHs role complements it so well.

For me though i always think this argument needs to be looked at not just from our own perspective as parents living through these scenarios but also about the messages we send to our sons and daughters via our life choices.

I'm all for women doing what's best for them and their circumstances, but the reasons why America has a culture for SAHMs is sinister. The complete lack of maternity and employment rights and aversion to socialised healthcare and the religious pressure over gender roles are only part of it.

Of course I'm not saying women should never do it but in America it's not borne of a love for women fulfilling their desires or having choice.

US maternity and employment rights are a joke! Not surprised many mothers decide not to work: not many SAHDs though!

Agree with PPs that covering school hols can be far trickier than the preschool years. Depends where you live too. We split our annual leave (we just have the easter and xmas bank hols and a week in the summer off together, which is hard), and deliberately chose somewhere with good childcare availability. One of our DCs dislikes holiday clubs so we have mainly used temporary nannies, which costs £100 a day! We’re very lucky to be able to afford that. We also have a spare room so could consider temporary au pairs. Many working couples are not in as good a financial position.

I don’t regret working but I’m so glad it was from home minimal hours for a long time and that even when working ft I made money

Not sure I’d feel so fondly about it if I had nothing left after cc

I also am relieved I didn’t have to go back too early as I found it made me feel sad to go

Positives are that my cv still can hopefully get me a job / work if needed

I went back to work part time when DS was 1 year old, and increased the hours until he was 6, when I stopped due to another pregnancy.

DS does not look back on it, as good modelling of women, having careers and financial independence at all! He respects far more what I achieved in voluntary work, fitted around my school age children; than my paid profession. Now grown up, his verdict is (resentfully):

"You dumped me with a child minder!"