to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

To those expressing genuine surprise at the comments aimed at SAHPs in real life, I'm astonished that you're surprised! I didn't even give up work completely, just cut back and went PT, and I was told I was wasting my education in addition to numerous comments from various individuals about how they work "to set a good example", how it makes them a better parent, how their toddlers "need" the socialisation from nursery etc etc. All I've ever said in response is that the balance works well for us, so I have in no way encouraged these comments! Trust me, it happens. If I was to start, completely out of the blue, commenting to those that work full time, that my DC benefit from me being at home, it makes me a better parent etc I'd be vilified!

If I heard anyone having a go at SAHPs or denigrating them, I'd tear them a second arsehole. Ditto working parents. How dare anyone comment on someone else's decision for their own family?!

what do those with younger kids do??

Pay for child care. Wha did you think we do, send them to wolves to raise?

....and not to mention the "when are you coming back FT" questions since DC reached school age. Again, I wouldn't like to see the response if I repeatedly asked them when were they going to cut back!!

The only people I know who are able to work on a regular permanent job basis, are those who have support, whether it be in the form of a highly paid nanny, or grandparents, who are on standby to help.

That's not my experience at all. We have no one to support and no money for nannies and I know people the same. We pay for childminder/ nursery and take carers leave/ annual leave/ unpaid leave as needed. It's tough but necessary for us.

OP I genuinely cannot imagine why anyone would regret continuing to work. At the end of the day, its only a few years until the children start school anyway, as time goes on, why would you even think back to those few years? Once children are at school, you aren't getting to spend all of your time with them anyway, even if you continue to not work.

I have saw many people regret stopping work though, as the time comes when they want to try and resume their career and they realise it is impossible to jump back on where they left off. I have read so many posts of women desperately trying to get a job but being unsuccessful over and over, which is soul destroying

I have had paid employment since I was about 14, it would feel alien to me to not work and not be independent. We did save up to enable me to take a full year for each maternity and have been PT since having my eldest, however there is no way I could give up my career altogether. I am very lucky to have family to help me with childcare and I return the favour by helping family out on my days off work.

My mum worked when we were small and I still recall being very proud telling people of her occupation. I recently discovered my daughter is the same as at her parent teacher interview a couple of the teachers mentioned my career and said dd loves to talk about it, which I was chuffed about.

At the end of the day we are all different op. You seem happy with your choice which is fantastic. Some people won't be as they will have been forced into working or not working through circumstances so of course some people will have regrets. But there isn't much point in dwelling on it or making others feel bad for it.

The only people I know who are able to work on a regular permanent job basis, are those who have support, whether it be in the form of a highly paid nanny, or grandparents, who are on standby to help

Not true at all. Most people I know are cobbling together a mix of holiday clubs/childminders/nursery provision/split holidays. It's not easy, but needs must.

I'm not talking about nursery age children, as a working mum with my first child, nursery provision is far more extensive and the hours far more flexible than school hours. I was referring to having a school age child. And not just one who has additional needs. What happens come school holidays? If I was back at my old job in the city, I'd be catching an 8am train and arriving home nearly 12 hours later...there are no holiday clubs that can accomodate that, and the childminders round here tend to have pre school kids. I don't know anyone who has childminders on stand by for the 16 weeks or so that their kids are off school.
My SIL had to continue to pay her nanny her usual wage, when her kids started school, as she couldn't find someone who only wanted work for the after school hours. And SIL's parents live in the same village, and also helped out when the nanny had her time off! I think people are often deliberately vague about it, because they do have back up support of some kind.

'The only people I know who are able to work on a regular permanent job basis, are those who have support, whether it be in the form of a highly paid nanny, or grandparents, who are on standby to help'

This was another 'con' of returning to work. After I had my first daughter I was working part-time and term time only...then the business need changed and this was taken away. With no grandparents or extended family, with my husband sometimes working away, with having to juggle my two children between holiday clubs/nursery etc. not to mention the cost involved (it would outstrip my salary) then having to juggle leave with my husband and finding we would have little time to spend as a family altogether, it became too much of a headache for us. Perhaps it would be different if I had had a career I had really invested in but this wasn't the case either. Yes, it is possible but for me it was about quality of life (and also being in the position to be able to do it, I guess). If I had a better support network...doting grandparents etc. would I be more inclined to work...most likely but this is just not the case.
My mother always had very low paid jobs which she did outside of school hours...leaving three children with grandparents (who ended up being more like parents to us for several reasons). I don't appreciate the fact that she did this...if anything I resent it because she just wasn't there and the amount she earnt didn't make a great deal of difference (more resentment because my parents always attempted to live beyond their means). Plus, mother never attempted to find work during school hours etc. There are obviously deeper more fundamental issues at play here also, but I think it did have an influence on me wanting to be around for my children and I just couldn't leave them in nursery when they were younger (youngest attends pre-school now on a part-time basis, I feel comfortable at this point and think it is beneficial for her to socialise more etc.). Everyone's experience will be different...for others, they may have had mothers who they looked up to for having a working role and I have heard this said but we are each influenced by our own experiences I guess, and there is no right or wrong way of doing things.

To those expressing genuine surprise at the comments aimed at SAHPs in real life, I'm astonished that you're surprised!

I really, really am. Returning to work part time has caused some problems in the sense that I can't take up as many career opportunities as I did, and a couple of arseholes exploit the fact I'm not in half the week. But I've never, ever had anyone say, rudely, to my face, that they think I should be working full time, or staying at home. Nobody's even hinted it.

A couple of SAHMs I know have mentioned, when it came up, that they SAH and their reasons for it, but if it was intended as a dig at me I missed it entirely. As far as I could tell, they were just sharing their experience in a relevant discussion.

Obviously I expect crap on the internet, but in real life, no.

Anyway, if a working parent decides they don't like it and are in a position to quit, they can do so pretty easily. Perhaps they'll come to feel differently in years to come, but presumably at the time they were doing either what they had to do, or what they chose to do.

DH and I have always worked full time (GP and Accountant). We chose private schools for a number of reasons but one was the excellent wrap around care and holiday clubs. It covered the hours we needed and the facilities were brilliant. We didn’t have any family local to help although as teenagers the DT’s spent some holidays with cousins in Canada and Belgium.

I agree Lavenderdays...my company promised greater flexibility to try and keep me, but the reality never matched up. I was managing a team, and they wanted me there. Plus the long hours, overseas travel and Home Counties commute...something had to give.
And does my now 18 year old daughter who has excelled at school and is about to leave for uni this Autumn, aspire to her mother's example at that time? Quite the opposite. She still to this day has sad memories of her early school years. She hated not having me around, hated being shunted from one place to another, and is adamant she wouldn't want that life for any children she might one day have. Let's hope when the time comes, that she finds herself in the fortunate position of being able to make her own well informed choice.

Yes, Parker, I know of another professional couple who have chosen private education for their child - also for a number of reasons but I can see that it does provide excellent wrap around care...including some care during the summer holidays which is obviously advantageous to them.

I think we all agree that it is very hard.

When they were younger I wish we had grandparents or relatives to help in emergency situations, but we didn't so just carried on. I would lie if I said I wasn't on the brink of giving up my career many times when they were younger.

It is easier now but I am still tired because we don't get much time to ourselves at all.

Lavender - although private school terms tend to be shorter so more holiday care is required!

Lavender...ah yes apples forgot about that...my daughter's friend always seems to break up from (private) school much earlier than she does. Urm - it really can be a juggling act can't it.

A Nanny !
I dont know anyone with a Nanny.

No help here just juggling between DH and I .
No help from GP at all.
Both of us did some unsocial hours to make it work.
We did have flexible working though and most parents at our school did one to drop off/late stay and the other early start/pick up .Lots of dads at the schoolgate and only 3 SAHM that I knew of.
Annual leave was split so for example there was one parent off 2 weeks ,middle week both, fourth /fifth week the other .
Again not all careers offer this degree of flexibility.
Once they got to teens DH WFH -he usually did a full day before they surfaced
Even when I was V PT noone ever mentioned that I should be FT -they usually wished they could be PT too.

Oh another thought -we lived/worked in close proximity to schools so no long drive to do school run and teens cycled home.

Op perhaps just ask them not to mention it again- rather than trying to set up an argument on tinternet to try and make yourself feel better-its not really that healthy .

With hindsight it would have probably been cheaper for us to have a nanny compared with the cost of DT’s at nursery and breakfast/after school and holiday cover but we wanted them to go to a nursery so stood the cost and it became easier and more straightforward as they got older.

Ok, so we got to the nub of the issue op.you feel berated & put upon
That influenced your op and subsequent posts.explains your tone & content
You know what,I’ve been getting the aww😟 face and precious moments speech for years
I’ve listened to apocalyptic predictions of my children welfare,decline in attachment bond
Been warned of their mistreatment at mrs hannigans day care by felons who ignore them
And I’ve perfected my uh huh Response, and my face set to screensaver mode
Because essentially well folk are at liberty to express POV.im not compelled to listen or act on it
I genuinely know I’m doing best for my dc,for the family.op,i imagine you're equally sure in your opinion

We manage school holidays by taking separate annual leave and using holiday clubs for the remaining time. Holiday clubs (both school run and private) are plentiful in our area. Plus local childminders do holiday care. I’m sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me how lucky we are. Maybe we are, but we also checked all this out before buying our house and before applying for schools. When the DC are older I have the option to work from home. Again I changed career to ensure this was possible. I know this isn’t an option for everyone, but forward planning for the school years can pay off.

The funny thing with these threads is that everyone is in such totally different circumstances, that there's almost no point for comparison. I'm sure if I were in the position of many if the posters on here, I'd be doing exactly the same as them. Similarly, if people had my kids and my husband who is a workaholic really, they may have made similar decisions to me. Also my previous work involved dealing with mental health patients, sexually abused teens, suicidal patients, refugees, babies removed from their mother at birth - you name it. It was never your average day at the office and therefore harder to combine with a large family than many jobs. I have no family in the UK and a tricky MIL to boot.

All jobs are different, all relationships are different and families come in all shapes and sizes and economic circumstances.

The only people I know who are able to work on a regular permanent job basis, are those who have support, whether it be in the form of a highly paid nanny, or grandparents, who are on standby to help

I don't know anybody with a nanny but a few that use grandparents. Most use chidcare and cover the rest between them using annual leave. Chidcare is more widely available now than ever. If you could only work if you had a nanny millions more would be unemployed as well.

People have very few memories under school age so the whole patronising memories thing is rubbish. When do dads make memories if it can only be done when not working?

No nanny and GP live a distance away
Use Nursery After School,summer clubs.
All planned well in advance

Lipstick we've not agreed much on this thread but thanks for that, I appreciate it.

I guess for someone not in my situation they wouldn't have automatically known the pressure that stay at home mum's are under. I made the assumption that everyone was aware of this because quite frankly it really is such a day in day out social pressure that stay at home mum's face, so apologies if the starting point from my thread was unclear.

Pressure in this paragrah meaning pressure to enter paid employment.