to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

To summarise, I'm doing crap in both my roles. I'll never succeed as a mother or at work.

aww don't say that, I'm sure that's not true :( You need to make a change somewhere to make yourself happier I think

Extended holidays are generally not an issue as Dh and I have plenty of leave so we either have time off or if not have used sports camps art clubs etc

When they were younger we had a nanny

The odd day where we have to work they are now old enough to entertain themselves for the day whilst we wfh..

It's worked fine so far..

To be honest we have it easier than many of our friends who are both hospital consultants or barristers and can't work from home bit they still manage..

Thanks for explaining Blackeyes..
I can see how it might work with older kids, but certainly not with younger kids, or kids with additional needs. As for barristers, hospital consultants etc. , I honestly cannot see how any family where both work, can manage without additional help. Help is help, paid or otherwise. And when the number of weeks you are having to pay for help, starts to outnumber the weeks you don't, well it becomes a little counter productive!
DH and I are both professionals, and he is senior in a very technologically advanced organisation. Yet wfh is very much frowned upon. From the top down. Snow day managed half a day. And that was including a 40 mile commute. It's just not an option for a lot of professionals we know, so your set up sounds highly enviable!

Ii I've been out all day and then it was mealtime followed by dinner etc etc just getting a chance to check in now.

It sounds like there have been more twists and turns on this thread today; some of encouragement to me, some hurtful to me. But frankly we're past the point of naming and shaming and I would like to think that we're little bit more mature than that
Some previous posters have asked why this thread was started and I've answered it before upthread. So there's no point in reiterating all those answers but I'm genuine when I say it wasn't started out of a place of smugness.

As a previous poster mentioned the reality is that stay at home mums are in the minority (it's less than two, one point something) therefore stay at home mums are regularly asked about, prompted, made to feel they should automatically be going back to paid work without consideration being given to the possibility of it being their choice.

The days are hard, some days are really really hard so on a good day I wondered out of all the people who bang on about work paid work been the best thing for mothers, I just asked if maybe just maybe any of these "working mums" wondered if being a stay at home parent is the way to go. No bun fight.

But no one was banging on?you started a completely new thread
You weren’t exasperated or being given a hard deal
You popped up and described your snow day and wondered if working mums felt they were regretting working on such a glorious day

Read your OP again. You weren’t responding to WOHM ‘banging on’ about working being better. We don’t. We’re honestly not that bothered about what other people do. We’re far too busy getting on with our own lives.
Some serious back pedaling going on here and frankly it doesn’t wash

The days are hard, some days are really really hard so on a good day I wondered out of all the people who bang on about work paid work been the best thing for mothers, I just asked if maybe just maybe any of these "working mums" wondered if being a stay at home parent is the way to go.

I wasn't aware of anyone 'banging on' about being in employment. And I think you can be fairly sure that all mothers, whether full time, part time or stay at home, have considered their choice carefully. If they were fortunate enough to have it.

Went back too soon after my first. He’s 11 now and I still regret it

Couples don't have to mirror each other to be "equal" - you can balance each other out and be honest about your different motivations.

Yes this^^

I know the bread has moved on a bit since that comment but it always annoys me when people peddle the old chestnut "I wouldn't want to be in an unequal relationship" when talking about SAHMs,

I've had it said to me on this thread and others.

Very much like indigo posts, me and DH just bring different strengths to our marriage. I definitely did care a lot about my career, especially because at one point it looked like having a child might not happen for us. Maybe the problems we had having DD changed my perspective too.... no career felt as important to me (in JUST speaking about myself here!!) as being with my DD. (And anyway, if I wasn't at home wiping her bum I'd be at work wiping someone else's anyway )

But "caring" has always fallen naturally to me because it's just a part of who I am. It has always driven me to take care of me. DH loves DD with all his life but he would be the first to admit that Parenting/caring/nurturing does not come naturally to him (partly due to his personality but also due to his own childhood).

Our relationship is very much "equal" eventhough I am not currently bringing in a paid wage. He values what I do for our family and that my staying at home means he can give himself 100% to his work, which he would not be so successful at otherwise.

Am totally baffled by the hostility towards OP on this thread, and it's obvious that there is not just a large smug working mother's contingent, but there are also a lot who are tetchy and a little over defensive!
With comments that berate you for asking a fairly sincere question, while announcing they are still smugly juggling their careers, able to pick their kids up from school, AND take days off for the snow, I can only conclude that a) they have help with childcare for the days & weeks when there is no school, and b) they are taking the p* with work.

"It has always driven me to take care of me."

That should be, "to take care of others"

Obvs

Mumto2 sounds like the OP!

Obviously I can't speak for the OP having never met or spoken to her irl but she has said repeatedly that her motivation for starting the thread was not to be goady or smug.

I'm terrible at not being able to get across what I want to say in written form so I can sympathize with coming across wrong.

OP may not have been directly responding to WOHP "banging on" but as is quite evident throughout this thread, there is a lot of judgement towards SAHMs. I admit that it has gone both ways on this thread too which is a shame we can't all be a bit more tolerant and open minded.

Starting a smug, goady thread and then playing innocent doesn’t cut it really

I sound like OP in what context Babbitty? You sound rather nice..
I honestly don't understand why the OP has been construed as being goady & smug. But maybe I just don't naturally look for the negatives in people. MN is getting tiresome these days, it's like being back in the playground sometimes.

Ok, this is getting tedious but let me spell it out.

“I’m just back from a glorious day at work. So good to be using my qualifications, keeping my mind stimulated, enjoying the camaraderie with colleagues and knowing I’m making a valuable contribution to society. Oh and not forgetting the salary and pension coming my way.
Any SAHM regret not going back to work? Anyone going to acknowledge it?”

That mirrors the OP. Genuinely innocent question? Like fuck is it!

If I started a thread with that, I’d rightly be torn a new one by SAHM. If I then whined about the SAHM getting tetchy I’d be ripped apart some more.

Of course, I wouldn’t dream of posting such shite because I work on the basis that people decide what’s best for their own family and that one way isn’t better than another. Of course if you attack one group of people they’re going to respond and defend themselves. To then criticise them for doing that and claiming they’re being tetchy just makes you look more ridiculous.

That’s not at all how the op posted

Your bitterness speaks volumes about you and your guilt

Nope not biting, silly old apples

And that is a ridiculous analogy...
Because most of us probably felt like that before we had kids...enjoyed our relative successes, achievements etc, and liked the fact we were earning money for doing something, we hopefully? enjoyed!
But once we have children there's a choice to make...do we stay at home, can we stay at home, should we stay at home?! Do we have back up support that enables us to take on work commitments...do we want to be there more than just evenings & weekends...and OP was quite right in saying that a lot of people do bang on about working mums doing the right thing, because a lot of people do! So whether I read that post when I was a WOHM or reading it now, I would not take it with the sense of disgruntled antagonism, that you so clearly have. That's why I'm defending the OP. There is far too much nastiness on here these days, and it's really quite unpleasant.

It’s not an analogy. It’s mirroring the OP.
Which as you can see is pretty nasty.

No, I took 8 months off with my first, and 16 months off with my second as I got made redundant half way through my maternity leave. I was really, really, lucky to get a part time job in my field (I’m a lecturer). Now I’m full time, but it’s flexible and I can pick up the kids from school a few days a week. Importantly though, my marriage broke down. Although it was grim, I was able to leave it. I wasn’t reliant on him for money (though to his credit he has been generous), I’ve got a career that brings in by most standards a reasonable income, and we can still afford nice things every now and again. If I hadn’t gone back to work then there’s no way I’d have been able to do what I’m doing now.

As an aside, I met my now DP on OLD two years ago. He’s a fairly high earner and said he’d met quite a few women who had given up work when they had kids, their marriages had broken up, and they were now in a situation where they were looking for another man to basically fund their lifestyle. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that unless you earn your own money, you will always be reliant on someone else. Lots of the time that works, but often it doesn’t. If you have a highly skilled job, do not lose those skills. The employment market moves very fast.

So good to be using my qualifications, keeping my mind stimulated, enjoying the camaraderie with colleagues and knowing I’m making a valuable contribution to society. Oh and not forgetting the salary and pension coming my way.

Of course, I wouldn’t dream of posting such shite because I work on the basis that people decide what’s best for their own family and that one way isn’t better than another.

You might not post that but many many posters on that thread have said exactly that!

*on this thread

From her posts, I can only assume apples picked her username because 1956 is when she is posting from

Op doing the whit🤔 did I say face is v amusing,if somewhat predictable
Lol that if another sahm concurs that’s good,deep,well observed
If a Working mum puts contrary view she’s guilty or bitter.funny that