to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

ripple73 I am sorry things have not worked out for you. But this is not the experience for all of us.
Like you I was in a technical industry pre kids ( scientific research) and jacked it in. Life until that time threw me curved balls.
I was widowed at 26, I have been homeless, raped, abused, beaten.

Ditching my career when kids came along held no fear.

And things have worked out well.

Do many posts commenting on the fact that going out to work sets such a 'good example' for their children.
And being a SAHM doesn't??
What a load of superiority tosh!
I like to think I've tried to set a good example regardless of whether I was working or not.

Gosh speakout I'm so sorry that's awful

Work doesn’t define me but I am proud of the job I have and of the professional qualifications I worked very hard for.

natureshaped oh thank you. Forgot that I spent 6 months in a women's prison on remand for a crime that I did not commit- charges were dropped, but not before I came back to my cell to find my cell mate hanging dead by her bed sheet from the ceiling.

All of my experiences have been transforming.

I work part time so have the best of both worlds I think! I work as public service admin and most of the people in my team also work part time and seem happy with this choice.

Speakout you have had a really awful time

I agree about life experiences shaping us. It was interesting that I was speaking to a friend who has been through serious health issues with one of her kids for years said the same thing yesterday. She is a SAHM and was saying her experience taught her where her priorities lay and that was with her family. I on the other hand am a WOHM and it would be fair to say at the moment it is work keeping me alive because it gives me a structured distraction from some serious shit going on in my own life and the depression it is causing me. I’ve been off the last 5 days and I have seriously struggled Different people different life experiences different ways of living our lives based on our own experiences.

Gosh I’d be really sad if work defined me. The most transformative thing in my life has been having children, and I’m proud of having raised them into the adults they are. I’m also defined by many other facets of life, my profession included.

Like I’ve said before- there’s joy, fulfilment, aspirations to be had in many aspects of life, why would I not want a slice of it?

Yellowshadeofgreen you have given me food for thought. thank you.

I agree Ripple..my situation is not too dissimilar. But sometimes it's not easy to keep the springboard close to home. I've studied and gained additional qualifications since my youngest was born, and have worked in voluntary roles, but getting back into my old career, I know will be nigh impossible.
As for working while they are young, even with a child at school, part time roles are not always flexible enough. I've met far too many smug working mums, usually with grand parents who are often at the school gates, helping out with drop offs and pick ups, yet can't seem to understand why it's impossible for some. They have support that some of us just don't have. Aside from 16 weeks school holiday, my youngest, due to health issues, has a few more on top besides. Even a generous ten week annual vacation allowance wouldn't be near enough to cover all that. Who steps in then? There is little provision round here for holiday care, unless you count the odd sports camp or cookery club, both of which aren't very long, and not much help if your child has a health condition and can't do sport!
There is far too much blinkered smugness amongst some working mothers, both here and in RL, and having been both at different times in my life, I know all too well that neither one is 'better' than the other.

As a WOHM I agree about smugness being a real turn off, no matter what quarter it comes from. I’d have no truck with WOHM who say it’s easy when in reality they’re being propped up by grandparents or extended family on tap, and often providing the care for free. Having paid every penny of our childcare from when dd1 was 3 months old (and this was back in the day before any free hours) I know how bloody tough it is to keep working even when there’s no immediate profit from it. Even worse is when those same mothers moan that granny lets the kids watch too much telly, eat biscuits etc. Grrrr!

Mumto2two

Yes you make very important points. I raised my kids in a council estate. Most women were SAHMs unless they had family for childcare. Otherwise it is not possible to pay nursery fees while working for minimum wage

I don’t know why people feel smug, it is really not an endearing quality and most end up debunked as life has a way of throwing things at you when you least expect it....

As a working mum with no help from anyone, I feel tired a lot and at best proud of myself when I ticked off another year and survived with no huge trauma/drama.

blackeyes72 hats off but how can you work with kids?

Speakout

My apologies, I would not have spoken about transforming if I had known.
Mine pale into insignificance to yours and were positives.
I'm so sorry, You have seen so much in your life that you shouldn't

Yes out of genuine interest black eyes. If you have no other help, what happens in school hols, half terms etc? Or when they are sick?

I have a flexible employer and can work from home, as does my husband. We had a nanny when they were younger and have used other types of childcare too.

In fairness there are many other families I know in the same boat. Such as some of my female employees who are married with kids and also have no family help.

I don't have children myself, but I was brought up by a Mum who was a SAHM until I was 14 or so, and she hated it (she felt she had to do it because of social and family pressures). I could see perfectly well that, even though she loved us to death, she was really unhappy as a housewife and felt pretty useless.

She had been a nurse before and went back to work after all those years, and she was a different woman. I wish she had never stopped working. She would have been much happier, and our relationship would have been better.

Maybe those of us who are level headed WOHM and SAHM (which after all is the majority) should have a stock response when the minority start these snipey threads: ‘sorry you’re dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but you’ll be better off resolving that with yourself rather than attacking others.’ Something like that. It would save a lot of time. The conclusion is always the same... there are many ways to be good parents, raising happy successful children is done by both WOH and SAH parents. And that’s actually what matters to all of us ultimately, end of!

I know a few people who have the option to work from home, but certainly not the norm. But how does it work in terms of kids being off school on extended holidays? What do they do while you are working? I know with studying, I've had to keep my productive time for post bed time..so I really am genuinely intrigued as to how people work from home, while they are also looking after their kids?? Sorry, if I sound terribly naive!

I agree Speakout, another good point.

gosh I’d be really sad if work defined me. The most transformative thing in my life has been having children Absolutely.

speakout I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

This thread had taken me on a strange journey.
As a child I wanted my mum - she worked and never had time for me - that is my enduring memory of my mum while I was in primary.

Secondary I became very aware of my Mum's issues, she was a functioning alcoholic, work was always more important to her that spending time with her kids...she was angry and abrasive at home, at work she was seen as a star...she saved her best bits for everyone at work.
Recently she moaned about all these working mums who make such a big deal out of working, she did it, she was on call one night a week and on call one weekend in four and no one passed any remarks on how amazing she was....so I asked who looked after us while she was on call (we had a full time nanny for normal work hours) and she said she didn't know, she just left the house and then a few seconds later she said she didn't want to think about it because she probably just left us to get on with things ourselves.
My Mum was crap at being a Mum and was amazing at working, before this thread I have resented her love of her job which she continually placed above us - now I see her job saved us from having to spend more time with her...for the limited time she did spent with us she was a bloody nightmare - being a SAHM would not have helped...and that is what this thread has taught me....my mother escaped us and thankfully we escaped her too - a WOHM role model however she will never be!

I really don't want to work.
I enjoy my job and before having my son I was doing really well. But the hours and expectation was too much for me so I took a step back when I returned to work.
I'm bitter that my opinion no longer matters at work. I'm bitter that my successes aren't celebrated like they used to be. I'm bitter that the most senior managers now have nothing to say to me, im just another face in the crowd nowadays.
At home, I'm 1/3 a parent it feels. I only have 2 days a week with my son and I've missed so much. There are no baby groups on weekends, no health drop in clinics, no toddler groups. Everything is noisy and busy at weekends. Softplays are a thing of nightmares, the park is full of older kids who are too rough and barge past DS, the swimming pool is too full. There is no gentle baby environment at a weekend.
I'm very fortunate that I don't need to pay for childcare so the money I earn goes into our home, as does DHs. We need this money. We couldn't cope without both wages. I should really push myself at work again but I can't devote the time required to succeed. I don't want to jeopardize my time with my DS either.
To summarise, I'm doing crap in both my roles. I'll never succeed as a mother or at work.

work was always more important to her that spending time with her kids...she was angry and abrasive at home, at work she was seen as a star...she saved her best bits for everyone at work.

My goodness. All of my issues are coming to light 🙁