to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Let’s face it top prize for snidy and smug goes to the OP. Interesting how she keeps popping back periodically to try to justify her unpleasantness

In real life most working mums I know work pretty hard to work round their kids and put them first and achieve balance. And would rather not work

I choose to work. My husband earns enough that I could stay at home, but I don't want to.

because most people don't even give a second thought to anyone else's situation,do they?
Are you serious?of course most people give a 2nd,3rd,30th thought about other people situation
The situation of politics,economics,interest in how others live is the human condition

I have never regretted not being a SAHM.

I literally don't know anyone in real like who has an "issue" with sahms though. I've only ever seen it here. I think sometimes we project guilt or whatever we feel. Best way to do that is be comfortable, confident and happy in your choices. In fact I've had a couple of "wouldn't you rather be bringing up your son" comments but only from men!

The only comments I've have from women are that I'm doing an amazing job of bringing up my son single handedly and managing to carve out a career for myself.

Today 12:02 LipstickHandbagCoffee

because most people don't even give a second thought to anyone else's situation,do they?
Are you serious?of course most people give a 2nd,3rd,30th thought about other people situation
The situation of politics,economics,interest in how others live is the human condition

Kind of agree and disagree with the above.

I think day to day, we just get on with our own lives and actually don’t pay too much attention to other family’s lives (I think the OP is an exception here, as clearly she couldn’t just enjoy her day for its own sake without having a dig)

But on a wider level I agree that the inequalities in society, and issues such as most women having inadequate pensions etc certainly are important and worthy of proper debate

Im surrounded at work by WOHP/ M/F single/married/ partenered/childless by choice or not by choice of varying ages 18-60 ish -why would I not be interested in their /uk/world /situation?
Everyones lives are different -how odd to think no one ever discusses these things.

Maybe Im really nosy

Lipstick - I meant in the sense that you don't analyse people's motivations for working or not in real life. You just take people as they come and that's it really.

I'm at the primary school most days at 3.30 and have been for all four DC. It's 90% mum's there, I'd say, the rest nannies and the occasional dad. I know a lot if SAHMs because it's that kind of area - a very high proportion of bankers, lawyers, politicians, diplomat, etc DHs. I presume most of the mums I don't know so well are are SAHMs, but they could be doing anything before the hours of 3.30, for all I know. Nobody really asks what do you do, or what does your husband do. It might come up as in, "DH is away this week" and then you might get a sense of why, but that's it.

At my Schoolgate people discuss each other,who works/doesn’t work,schools,house prices,etc
I’m usually out the loop as I’m rarely there.but no it’s not all cordial indifference

I find it interesting that some posters say it's no harder for women - yet look at indigo's post - lots of SAHMs because it's "that sort of area: politicians, bankers, lawyers etc".

Why aren't there 50/50 SAHDs if it's not harder for women to have that sort of career? That's one reason why I think judging each other for choices on child rearing is a shame as it feeds into the difficulties that women can face.

you know that one's child can thrive mentally in your own care??!! With some research, planning, social and physical stimulation, engaging in activities with other children etc

Yes but it's so fucking dull (for me! If other people like it, it's of course great) to plan toddler play dates and twigs and pebbles collection trips and whatnot. I'd rather do my job and let other people do the engaging activities. Kids have not complained.

I barely even know what my own DH does business-wise because it's quite multifarious, or where he's going week to week, let alone what anyone else's DH does.

I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today

I hate to break it to you OP but all the working parents I know including myself stayed at home and enjoyed a bit of fun in the snow as it just wasn't possible to get to work what with there being no public transport here for 2 days some of us even got paid to stay at home.

I just had 5 days off over the snow............can't wait to get back to work now tbh

Thank god the snow has melted!

Babbity: I can see that if on an individual level, you partner someone with very different aspirations- one of you very career driven and one not at all interested in career and very driven to do all the child care and home things, then it would probably feel quite natural to fall into provider/ carer roles.

Yes, and the person doing the carer role, which is almost invariably the woman, then goes on to say that men and women are fundamentally different biologically, justifying their gender-polarised set up. WOHMs will say the opposite because they can see in real life women working alongside men and can and should take an equal footing in the workplace, barring all the workplace barriers like the glass ceiling, patriarchy and male entitlement which load the dice against women, which SAHMs inadvertently enable and reinforce.

Hence while WOHMs are childcare-dodging wage slaves, SAHMs are work-shy slaves to their biology. All of which is bollocks of course.

which SAHMs inadvertently enable and reinforce

And nothing to do with those that engage in the patriarchial work system.

Nice displacement of blame.

I'm glad to be out of it. I work part time at home. Suits me fine.

No one I know asks directly what someone else does - it's a bit like asking someone's salary, people just don't do it....so assumptions are made, sometimes they are very wrong.
I have inadvertently been present at the slagging off of SAHMs on a school trip. The mum leading the charge had assumed I worked, despite us having chatted several times and our kids having visited each other's houses - she must have just assumed everyone was the same as her and worked. Anyway, she had a proper rant, bitched and moaned, expressed a lot of resentment, annoyance and irritation, SAHMs were basically to blame for everything that was wrong in her life. When she had finished I told her I was sorry she felt that way, as a SAHM I hadn't been aware of most of the stuff she had complained about. After that, she no longer speaks to me - totally blanks me in fact, not sure if it is embarrassment or if I had become a figure of hate overnight by virtue of my lack of paid employment.

AnimalDaze

I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today

“I hate to break it to you OP but all the working parents I know including myself stayed at home and enjoyed a bit of fun in the snow as it just wasn't possible to get to work what with there being no public transport here for 2 days some of us even got paid to stay at home.”

This ^^

No doubt the OP is very disappointed to hear that WOHM also have fun with their kids. Mine are grown up now so I had fun in the snow with dh. I wonder if the OP would also be disappointed to know my adult kids are doing fine, and the fact I have a career hasn’t hindered their ability to do well at school and university, get good jobs themselves and also form great relationships. As no doubt they would have done if I’d given up work.

So what did I do today? Took them ice skating. Played with dino stamps. Went for a dog walk during which educational topics were discussed. Then I sorted out their wardrobes, bought some new shoes as DC2 has grown again; booked (and paid for) spring holidays. Fed them, of course. Soon we will have friends over so our respective offspring can play - so I tick 'organised a play date' off the list too.

The funny thing is that if I was a man, I would get a fucking medal for being such an involved, hands-on parent. There would be no concerned bystanders discussing about howI barely know them and how those poor children can't form any attachments whatsoever. Oh and of course nobody would ask if I'm not sorry about missing precious moments and why can't I work part time at least
Maybe I should identify as one..

G5000 great post.

I never knew it was a competition though or people got annoyed with eachother for being one or the other until I started using this forum