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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

993 replies

mammyoftwo · 01/03/2018 23:16

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

OP posts:
ginyogarepeat · 04/03/2018 11:16

It's not fact to state that if you were at home you'd be baking. Completely demeans the hard work that's involved in being at home with (sometimes several) young children. I consider it a snide swipe at SAHPs. Fine, you had to work to provide an income - why the need to add the baking comment?

ginyogarepeat · 04/03/2018 11:18

Also adds to a stereotype that perpetuates this view, which further devalues care in society, and continues to keep women down.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/03/2018 11:19

Not for a second, I love my job. And DH and I both arranged to work from home to cover the snow days so we took the DCs sledging and for hot chocolate, hth OP.

AnimalDaze · 04/03/2018 11:19

Maybe because OP wrote this in her post giny

it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/03/2018 11:19

Because op brought it up talking about playing in the snow and baking ect.

Anyway why am I arguing.

QuiteCleanBandit · 04/03/2018 11:24

I spent all day yesterday baking gin
Stop making assumptions

Mumto2two · 04/03/2018 11:24

Totally agree Ginyo. Stay at home baking comments are just snide full stop. No excuse.

Babbitywabbit · 04/03/2018 11:25

Aaaaaaltheboys- Yes! Life is a constant process of evaluating and renegotiating. It’s not like we stick our children in childcare, cross our fingers and see what they’re like when they emerge at 4 years old Grin
We remain the primary care givers, we’re attuned to our children’s needs and we adjust/adapt accordingly.

I also think a fundamental issue (which never seems to get discussed much on here which is a shame) is whether you view women and men as fundamentally really different in what they want out of life, or whether there are more things in common than differences. I know dh wanted things to me... a good balance of family/work life, time for hobbies. Also we started out with pretty much the same skills set- both in professional jobs, equally capable in the workplace, equally capable in domestic tasks (in fact dh is a slightly better cook than i am, but balanced by the fact that I’m better at meal planning and spotting the supermarket bargains.) When it came to children we started with the same skill set - pretty much zero! Neither of us were born knowing how to change nappies or coax a toddler to eat their veg. The only difference was of course that I could feed bm directly from my breasts. Everything else we were on pretty equal terms. Therefore it seemed very natural to us to not want demarcated roles of provider/ carer.

I can see that if on an individual level, you partner someone with very different aspirations- one of you very career driven and one not at all interested in career and very driven to do all the child care and home things, then it would probably feel quite natural to fall into provider/ carer roles.

This isn’t a judgment about right or wrong ways. But I do think it’s an interesting subject because I think overall there are a lot more similarities in what people want out of life than there are differences

Babbitywabbit · 04/03/2018 11:27

That should be ‘I know dh wanted similar things to me’

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/03/2018 11:27

Op brought up the baking thing, not me.

PoorYorick · 04/03/2018 11:28

@QuiteCleanBandit, I am sorry for the offence and I'll ask to have my post edited. The association would never have occurred to me.

QuiteCleanBandit · 04/03/2018 11:28

Omg hilarious !
When a SAHM talks about baking its lovely and cosy when a WOHM talks about baking its snide and a dig .
Make your minds up Wink
Pahahaha!

Niceandwarmandhot · 04/03/2018 11:29

I agree, the baking comment was intended to be snide. Just in the exact opposite way to the way in which Giny read it!

QuiteCleanBandit · 04/03/2018 11:29

Thanks Poor Smile

PoorYorick · 04/03/2018 11:29

When a SAHM talks about baking its lovely and cosy when a WOHM talks about baking its snide and a dig.

Well to be fair, context is everything.

If I said I liked wearing a pretty dress, it's different to if a misogynistic person said to me, "You're a woman, all you do is wear pretty dresses".

PoorYorick · 04/03/2018 11:31

*QuiteClean, I would never ever want to be disablist in any way. Please put it down to ignorance, not malice. I won't repeat it.

QuiteCleanBandit · 04/03/2018 11:31

She was talking about herself!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/03/2018 11:33

In real life most working mums I know work pretty hard to work round their kids and put them first and achieve balance. And would rather not work

Really?you see in my real life no working parent I know lives with rather nots & regrets. I don’t have to work FT,we’d not be in penury if I didn’t. i chose to work.i want to work. I’m not sobbing as I head out the door.i am not wracked with guilt. Mum guilt is a societal expectation. I love my job,love my kids and partner.

ginyogarepeat · 04/03/2018 11:34

I didn't realise the baking comment was in the OP. That changes the context.

Babbitywabbit · 04/03/2018 11:34

Today 11:28 QuiteCleanBandit

Omg hilarious !
When a SAHM talks about baking its lovely and cosy when a WOHM talks about baking its snide and a dig .
Make your minds up wink
Pahahaha!

Yes. Just like the work thing. When the husband does it, it’s an interesting high flying job which he loves, and he’s not missing out. When the context is women, work suddenly becomes ‘wage slavery’, deadly dull and meaning you can’t be a proper parent!

Try to at least be consistent Grin

1ndig0 · 04/03/2018 11:40

"I can see that on an individual level, you partner someone with very different aspirations - one of you very career driven and one not at all interested in career and very driven to do all the childcare and home things, then it would probably feel quite natural to fall into provider /carer roles."

I'm glad you can see this Babbity because this is exactly what happens in many relationships. For my part, it wasn't that I was never "at all interested in career", more that it faded into insignificance when the DC came along. As I said before, I'm grateful that DH facilitates me never having to worry about money and he's grateful that he never has to worry about working around four children. It works for us because we both like to go at things 100%, rather than divide and juggle our time. To do the 50/50 thing would be a pointless pretence for us. The financial provider thing is what comes naturally to him, being with the children is essential for me. Couples don't have to mirror each other to be "equal" - you can balance each other out and be honest about your different motivations.

And yes, I am more than sorted pension-wise as we have a property portfolio that's in both our names plus various other investment portfolios.

Babbitywabbit · 04/03/2018 11:45

Yes, that great 1ndgo. (Though of course like I said earlier, the majority of women aren’t in the privileged position you are pension wise, which is a problem in wider society).

I’m guessing the OP isn’t quite so satisfied with her life though, otherwise she wouldn’t have started such a snide thread

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/03/2018 11:48

Yes!when a man has a demanding job he’s highflying,competent etc
When a woman has a demanding job she’s a wage slave who’s absent & avaricious
When a man has job, mn is regaled with his contribution to family
When woman has job, it’s reduced to its only money,as if it’s disposable

1ndig0 · 04/03/2018 11:51

Yes well I can quite see how the OP was provocative. But don't get worked up about it because most people don't even give a second thought to anyone else's situation, do they? These threads just become silly.

Mumto2two · 04/03/2018 11:51

The OP reference to baking was said in the context of explaining the perfect snow day she had just enjoyed. It was in no way inferring that that was a typical day, or indeed central to any particular SAH day.
The other poster's comment however, was made in the context of saying that she had 'no choice but to work', and would have 'loved to be able to stay at home baking', which in fact very much makes the inference that this is typical for a SAHM. And in that context, this inference is most undeniably.. snide.