to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Whose angry?

Its not really about regrets, some of us don't have the option to stay at home. We're not all married to surgeons and Bankers. Id have loved to have stayed at home baking. However as single mum. I had to go back to work. There was no two ways about it.
I had no choice. Who else was going to pay the bills and mortgage.

Yes. But not in the eyes of some working mums who have an issue with mums staying at home.
There’s plenty of twisting of comments going on in both directions.

My point is that kids don’t actually think of us as workers or not workers, but as their parents.

"I'd love to stay at home baking"

Aarrrrggghhhh! The snide comments are definitely both ways on this thread, it's so disheartening.
I do agree that the OP's intentions are dubious at best. And look at how so many of us have been sucked into it!

I don't know why the need to feel smug either, both sahm and wohm have ups and downs.

When I was a sahm I felt worried about losing my career, desperate for adult time and cabin feverish, yet I realised how much I could get done in the day that I.now can't.

I am permanently tired and often stressed but I know it will get better very soon and I will get more time.

I do have to chuckle when I read on here all the sahm have husband's who are high flyers, with huge salaries.. In real life I know loads of mums who are sahm of low earners or very average earners and struggle like mad to make ends meet..

Not really sure what your point is Slightly
My DC see me as their parent,worker insert title here dog/cat/chicken wrangler/knitter/sewer/book lover and potter.
They see me as a whole person but lately we have had lots of discussions about work/money as Im funding two through uni
Why would they just ignore my working life -they are currently very thankful !

Has someone actually suggested you should not consider your pension when making decisions about working/staying at home? Accused people of making it up as a 'faux concern'?

That's utterly stupid. And if people really believe that, soon we'll have several generations of horribly impoverished pensioners. Because they genuinely thought this was not actually a real issue, and just a stick used to beat SAHPs.

The decision to keep working to maintain your pension is real, valid and will literally pay dividends. Of course this does not mean nobody should ever be a SAHP. But if you are considering it, looking at your pension provision is a very sensible and key thing to do. And if your partner has a pension, check how much it's likely to be, whether it could support you both and whether you even have a claim on it....since so many people nowadays seem to think marriage is the purchase of women or a redundant 'piece of paper'.

(Post edited by MNHQ)

If you look back at the OP, you’ll see she posted in the evening describing her picture book perfect day, and asking if WOHM regretted their choice. After getting no responses, she followed up at twenty to 9 the next morning:

02/03/2018 08:37 mammyoftwo

Anyone going to acknowledge it?

Now, is anyone seriously suggesting that’s not a goady post? There’s some serious back-pedalling going on from the OP but it doesn’t wash. It’s a thinly veiled attempt to have a dig at other women.

It’s quite simple: WOHM are working either through choice, or because they can’t afford not to (although of course some who need to financially would also choose to work even if they could afford not to.)

So, logically, the OP is addressing women who have made a considered choice, who have weighed things up and made a decision that’s best for their own family. Or she’s addressing women who don’t have a choice, who might prefer to not work but sadly don’t have that option. Which is really, really nasty. I mean, why would you do that? Try to make someone, possibly a struggling single parent, feel shit? There’s got to be something wrong in your own life to want to do that. Mind you, having read some of the subsequent posts from women who talk proudly of even their own small kids making patronising comments about other children whose parents work, well, nothing surprises me.

Like I said several hundred posts ago, if I started a thread describing my fulfilling day at work, telling you all how I’ve used my qualifications, skills and intellect, the laughs I’ve had with colleagues and the salary winging its way to me, and asking whether SAHM regret their choice, I’d quite rightly be shot down. And if I then accused those SAHM of showing anger, then frankly I’d be a laughing stock.
Think about it. Just reverse the OP and think about it.

Poor
"Thats properly wipe the drool from your chin thick"
Thats unbelievable disablist language -appalling.

I wish I could be a stay at home parent everyday. I know our family life would be happier as I am usually sleep deprived and fairly stressed out on the days off we do have together trying to cram everything in.

The point is that it keeps being said we have to work to be an example to our children. As well as working to provide basic necessities. And I don’t think that’s completely true.

In real life most working mums I know work pretty hard to work round their kids and put them first and achieve balance. And would rather not work.

However, the way the economy is going no one will be able to be a SAHM in the future, so these threads will be a historical document...

Thats unbelievable disablist language -appalling.

Is it? I was ripping off a couple of lines from popular culture. I've never associated it with disability nor known anyone who did.

Last month I got together with a group of friends to celebrate 20 years since we first met at an ante natal clinic.
Some of us still see each other regularly, others have moved away.
I've no idea if Mumsnet existed then, I certainly didn't know about it.
What I had instead in my life was a group of women, similar age, obviously all pregnant at the same time who have supported each other over the years in real life.
We discussed how much that support meant as we juggled, babies, partners, careers, work - full time or part time or SAHM.
There were many times when working mums ( myself too) were pulled in all directions as yet another bug/ illness hit their child and they couldn't go into childcare.
Similarly there were days when being a SAHM ( me too) wasn't a bundle of laughs and we relied on each other for company and friendship.
I had no family support and I will be forever grateful to this group of talented, funny, kind, supportive women ( from many different backgrounds and very different careers) who made my life happier and richer.
Our children are all pretty happy, well adjusted and full of a sense of purpose regardless of the choices we made about work or otherwise.
Surely that's the desirable outcome for our children?
I can only hope that this sort of network still exists for mothers with young children because some of the comments on this thread are totally depressing.
Thankfully, though I think the majority of women take a more balanced view of the world.

Really Poor
My DF had a stroke and sadly he drools- his intellectual ability is intact.
Think about what you are saying !

I love being at home with my children. I've had three maternity leaves and so have a good idea of what life as a sahp is like. I didn't want to go back to work after Mat leave any of those times as I hate leaving my bambinos, but they are happy, secure children and I work because I like the financial security it gives them and with five mouths to feed, clothing, clubs/classes etc, our family is expensive! It is always tricky as when I'm working we can holiday and do fun trips which we couldn't otherwise afford. If I wasn't working we would happily sacrifice those things; however doing that would also impact on our day to day ability to manage financially and I know that I am not somebody who could cope with the stress of that. But for every family, it's all a compromise - there is no right or wrong answer. Everybody has different income, outgoings and priorities; we just have to weigh it up and do what suits our family best.

Slightly
Your comments are baffling ?
I work to pay bills and currently DC bills -what on earth do you think working women use their money for ?
Im not Carrie Bradshaw

Unfortunately MN has recently become like the comments section in the online newspapers - the complete opposite of a supportive environment.

orange
Discussion and a differing point of view ( no insults/trolling) is just that .

I think very few WOHM have actually said the only way to be an example to your children is to work. I know there’s one very strident poster who says that. Most of us are saying that what actually matters is imparting sound values and raising happy, grounded, good citizens- and that can happen (or not) whether you’re a WOHM or a SAHM. Ironically, one of the most strident SAHM on here has shown herself to be proud of having a daughter who makes patronising comments about other kids... not the kind of values I’d want my own children to hold.

Ultimately, given that working is a fact of life, and unless any individual is born seriously wealthy then all our children are likely to have a long working life ahead of them, it does make sense to encourage our children to aim high and achieve work which they’ll find fulfilling as well as paying the bills for them. And actually I’ve yet to meet any women, WOH or SAH who doesn’t want their children to achieve well in education and have good prospects. You don’t need to WOH to impart these things to your children.

I do think it’s a bit sad though when women (or men for that matter, but it usually seems to be women) don’t know what it’s like to have a job that’s interesting and adds another dimension to life. If you’ve only ever had work which is dull, or boring and not challenging you, then really, it’s only logical that you’d prefer not to do it. I think probably all of us agree on that point

In regards to children not caring what their parents do for a job. I obviously can't speak for other children, but I was very interested in my parents work as a child. My mum worked in childcare and later social work, so maybe because it was child related, but I loved going in to help in the holidays and I was exceptionally proud of her when she got her degree, despite me only being a child.

Also someone mentioned their child wanting mum if unwell etc. My dad was home much more, but I'd still go to my mum first if I was hurt or unwell and still do now. My mum was with me when my own dd was born and there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't discuss with her. So her working full time from me being 4 months certainly didn't effect our bond or relationship.

Why do these threads always have to be peppered with snide comments about one camp or another...we all make our choices based on the circumstances we find ourselves in, and one choice is certainly not more superior than the other.
It's great that some people can retain careers that are part time and flexible, but that was certainly not the case with mine. Having returned to work shortly after my youngest was born..and I'm talking weeks, not months, and with two terminally ill parents at the time. It was certainly no walk in the park. By the age of 6, my daughter was desperately unhappy, and my marriage had ended. We were not a family in any sense of the word. We were both working long hours, stressed tired and very much weekend parents. I paid people to look after my child, so I could keep my career going, and I do think my marriage might have survived, if we had done things differently. The 2nd time around, I decided to take a break, as an older mother, my perspective had also changed. It's certainly not been an easy time either, and I'm as far from domestic earth mom as one can be, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. Finding a part time job that allows flexibility at short notice, and a minimum 25 to 30 weeks holiday a year, for school holidays and a child with a health condition which requires numerous hospital visits inpatient & out...means my career is a long distant memory now. However, I do a lot of volunteering and am busier than ever. Money is tight, and I do miss the financial independence I once had, but my family is more important, and I'm prepared to sacrifice whatever it takes.

So to answer you OP, there were times when working didn't feel the right thing to be doing (when I was unhappy with my childcare arrangements) so I changed things and now I don't regret it at all. I think it helps not to look at it as a permanent decision. So if you decide to work again and that doesn't work out for you (and you don't need to be working for financial reasons) you can stop again!

In real life most working mums I know work pretty hard to work round their kids and put them first and achieve balance. And would rather not work.

Most working mothers and fathers I know struggle with this. However, most would rather have jobs that respect and support family time (which are few and far between for either sex) than give up work entirely (unless it's to escape to a private island in the Caribbean to waste away the remainders of their years sipping cocktails and watching the sunset....)

Nope, love my job. My daughter is my world but I couldn’t be home everyday doing child friendly things, i need the adult non Mum interaction and work challenges

My comment wasn't snidey, Gin.
It was a fact