to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

I pick up mt DD from school every day and as we wait at traffic lights we pass a herd of kids walking from one school to another where they consolidate after school club. The kids wear high viz vests and are tied together with some kind of rope.
My DD often comments " Poor kids

Maybe you should teach your dd to be less patronising.

Butt out with your faux concern about pensions.

Except it's actually a valid point, as someone who had a surprise 2nd pregnancy and therefore two kids close together I'm facing the prospect of being unable to afford to go back to work and therefore losing my very good public sector pension. It's one of my main concerns tbh.

Heading out shortly, will check back in later today.

The posts from SAHMs like speakout and the OP are really telling. It honestly reads as if you feel you need to justify your life choices by insisting that your kids are better off, and that's sad. Nobody else cares if you want to stay at home with your kids.

As for the kids being better off - Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't. The fact is, some kids/parents suit one more than the other. Being at home with a parent who doesn't really want to be there is not going to be good for a child, for example. My DD does a couple of mornings a week at nursery and she is very excited on those days. She shouts, "FRIENDS!" and likes choosing her outfit/shoes to go to nursery (they never ever match ). She loves it and she's learned a lot from a slightly more structured environment with other children (circle time songs, painting big pictures together, and my goodness the things she'll eat for nursery that she'd never bloody touch at home ) that you can't really replicate at home.

As for the "poor kids" after school club comment, really?! maybe those kids have single parents who can't get to school on time. Maybe they like it (my friends' kids who go certainly do). Maybe they have parents who've worked hard in their career and don't want to give it all up. Maybe one day children like your DD will be saying, "poor me" and wishing they'd had the benefit of two working parents if they end up looking down the barrel of a massive student loan or renting whilst trying to save a deposit.

The pension question is actually a very good one. Hopefully every SAHP has put something in place for that. You could be left very vulnerable if your marriage ends.

Ds loves after school club I am told to pick him up at 530 or 6 not earlier so he can spend more time there

Playing with his friends or being at home with me for an extra hour or so

Mmm no contest and thankfully I don’t feel upset by his choice

Yellow - I do think it is harder for women. That's why the stats for board rooms or partners in law firms or female consultants in medicine are so low compared to men. Some of my friends, noticeably two teachers, have been unable to get jobs until they've taken off their wedding rings. I've seen young female trainees judged on looks rather than ability and heard the comments male partners and clients make. Also some bosses can discriminate whilst meaning to be helpful, e.g. not asking the working mothers to work trips or client events.

It's getting better but it's not an even playing field by any means, and time off for maternity leave is an elephant in the room sometimes. Inexcusable in a large organisation.

Yellow - it's only an unequal marriage if you place zero value on care. We have a patriarchal society to thank for that. I cut back on work when DC came along and DHs career has thrived as a result (as I'm at home some of the week to do a lot of the household admin, looking after DC, flexibility to allow him to travel at short notice etc). Neither of us view it as an unequal marriage, where the sole emphasis is on career and earnings. We're a partnership and work together as a team. He loves his job and has always earned more than me so it made sense for me to cut back as I like my job but love being at home with DC too for a few days a week. What's unequal about that - that we've worked together to figure out what's best for our family?

Again, only unequal if you buy into the notion that care is of zero value and a life's worth is judged on career and earnings.

Just a quick point about pensions: it’s not ‘faux concern’ because it’s based on factual evidence. It’s well documented that a very high percentage of women (far more than men) have inadequate financial provision for their older age, and - this is perhaps the most worrying thing- they aren’t fully aware of it. And it’s not just an issue for single or divorced women... if a husband predeceases his wife, she won’t get the full benefit of his pension.

So while, naturally, there will be the usual sprinkling of MNers keen to tell us that it’s all sorted because their high flying husband pays 100 k a year into a private pension for them, that is not the real world for most women out there.

Yellow - would it still feel equal if your* husband left you for someone else? You'd have taken such a step backwards in your career and then what would you do? What's your plan b? Because your ex husband wouldn't have to worry about that.

• not you personally but theoretically!

Sorry, giny not yellow!

Stop back peddling OP
You framed it that we are all missing those #precious memories#making memories moments .
Unless you live in a social media vacuum you would know that many schools have been shut /workers unable to get in.
So like my colleagues who took leave - many working parents were out playing with their DC in the snow and being paid to do it -win/win!
I work in a very flexible job and DH from home .
Always someone at home/to attend events/pickups etc.
Always there after school/hols which annoyed my teenagers no end

Absolutely no regrets-giving up work didnt cross my mind for a second,all women in our family have always worked and I dont know a single SAHP .
Oh and the DC "tied together "
Thats a walking bus -they hold the rope .
My DC loved it at primary school.

I pick up mt DD from school every day and as we wait at traffic lights we pass a herd of kids walking from one school to another where they consolidate after school club. The kids wear high viz vests and are tied together with some kind of rope.
My DD often comments " Poor kids

The more I read this the more I think you must have some insecurity about your choices because the way you've phrased this is so full of projection, and as IF your dd thinks "poor kids" of her own accord rather than mimicking your own fake smuggery ...I say fake as although you come across as smug there must be some worry inside you to beat down on working mothers like this. It's really quite pathetic.

Babbity
Im in the position that mine are virtually grown up-many of my female colleagues are having to now work well into their late 60s and cant contemplate retiring because they dont have enough pension contributions.
I might take early retirement -the difference is 15 years between this and the earliest they can consider it,its frightening how many women would be affected by this.

I haven't read the last few pages but lol at the thought that my value and contribution to society comes from paying as much as possible in taxes - how depressing...

I suppose the question asked at the OP is directed at someone like me. I have returned to work FT in is fairly demanding fairly well paid role for many reasons of the usual kind - current income, long term financial security, the sense of progression and achievement work gives me etc.

Yes of course I sometimes look whistfully at pictures of them having fun with their nanny when I am at work, and as they approach school age I'm conscious of something passing which I won't get back. I love being at home and I know very well that I would have been very happy on a day to day basis to be a SAHM.

At the same time had I stayed home for 5 years my career would be dead. So there would have been other regrets.

I accept I may have some regrets but also know that we made the best decision we could at the time. I think this just speaks to the complexity of choices we all have to make as a family and I find the tone of some conversation about this really unhelpful. I have long thought that the only perfect situation is where someone only wants to be a SAHM (with no interest in career etc) and has the financial security to do so. Few are in this situation - the rest of us I think find the best balance we can in the round.

No, but again we have the patriarchy to thank for that, niceandwarm. Zero value placed on care.

It is a worst case scenario, and one that hopefully won't happen, but to be honest I refuse to live a life where we'd both be permanently stressed, have little time with the DC etc., sacrifice the fab balance we have now, all in case of this worst case scenario. We only have one life - I'd rather live it to maximise mine and my family's happiness! For some that would mean focusing on their career, for me it's more about having more balance and being happier as family unit as a result.

QuiteCleanBandit- similar here. I have quite a number of female colleagues in their 50s who stopped working for quite a number of years, and in some cases only ever returned to part time work, and its dawning in them now that their pensions are shot to bits. It’s a massive concern for them.

Oh and I didnt pick up my DC in the car .
As we had enough money to buy a lovely house with a huge garden in catchment -we walked and sneered at the poor kids who were "driven everywhere"
Do I win #smug ?
The above is true about the house but we didnt sneer at anyone because everyone has different lives/needs/wants and nasty smuggery is not a nice character trait

Babbity
Yes and it comes round really fast.
Easy to say its not just about money but bloody hell when you dont have any it cant retire as a result it really is.
We were poor as kids and money or lack of it ground my DP down,it was a constant daily worry.
Money gives you freedom and choices

Has anyone ever had this conversation in real life?
Is it good or bad that all this anger comes out anonymously?

For me - I agree with the poster above- I like
this balance too - and so does DH. He recognises what I do for the family, and views it as a financial contribution as we don’t pay for cleaners/ dog walkers etc. The teenage children we have still need support because they have additional needs.

I just wish working mums would leave it alone, and stop being so angry all the time. It’s not all about working. Kids don’t actually care what their parents job is. My DH has a high level professional career, and all the kids think is he’s the one at the gym every chance he gets. (He also does his fair share of house stuff - before anyone jumps on that).

Kids view us as their parents not as professionals. I’m a SAHM, but my kids are well aware of my education level, and they see me reading and learning new things all the time.

Just give it a rest. I know some working mums don’t get the SAHM thing, but honestly some of you are like toddlers having a tantrum over something you just don’t understand and perceive as being unfair against you.

I'm sure we all know SAH/Very PT Mothers who've experienced a substantial substantial reduction in circumstances on divorce, one income doesn't go so far split between two households. Many families with a SAHP manage a household on a relatively modest income as a lifestyle choice, when you come to split house equity and calculate CMS its all very difficult, some women end up staying in unhappy marriages tolerating bad behavior than face the financial reality.

slightlygreyhair I can assure you I'm not angry all the time, I don't think its unfair some women don't work, I barely think about it until a SAH mother starts a goady thread on MN. My point is you need to risk assess your financial situation whatever your choices.

Slightlygreyhair - I think perhaps you need to put some of those reading skills to good use on this thread. It's not the WOHMs who are "angry"!!

Why does everyone think WOHM are angry ??

Im not angry-I love my life and was lucky to be able to continue my career -I do recognise that some want to be SAHP/cant have a reasonable family life with 2 WOH parents.
Im chuffed to bits I can retire shortly if I want to
Those who feel the need to make nasty remarks about "poor kids" or telling mothers they have failed have clearly got issues !
I have had this conversation in real life a few years ago.
A school mum (sah) started on about CC,poor kids etc and when I replied that I had no idea as my DC had never been in CC.
She assumed that as I WOH I used CC and was like a fish gaping at me !
If you need to constantly pick at others then its you that has the problem ( as in general you) otherwise most people are just getting on with it.
The issues surrounding pensions always get shut down-its a ticking timebomb

Slightlygreyhair- just one thing. How did the thread start? I don’t think you’ll find many threads started by WOHM simply to denigrate SAHM (if you can, please link them.) And we’re not angry, many of us have said numerous times we’re not actually remotely bothered what other couples choose to do. However we will defend ourselves when anyone tried to suggest that because they want to SAH, therefore it must be best for all children.

I’m not suggesting all women aspire to my life. Not all women want to work, not all women have the opportunity to work in interesting jobs.

Just read the OP again. I think maybe the actual content and time of it has been subsumed by the length and twists and turns of the thread. Just read it. It’s smug nastiness - and very transparent.

I just wish working mums would leave it alone, and stop being so angry all the time. It’s not all about working. Kids don’t actually care what their parents job is I don't understand lumping all working mums in together like we're all the same, or all stay at home mum's together like they're all the same. It's just silly. We're all doing what we need/want to do. And it's all well and good saying they don't care what their parents jobs are but I'm pretty sure my son would care if we didn't have a roof over out heads and food in the fridge. Can't survive on love alone and single parents have to work and provide. However, I actually enjoy working! I enjoy spending time with my son too, can enjoy both. Just as I'm sure you enjoy the lifestyle you have chosen. If we're happy with our choices that's the goal surely?