to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Becoming a SAHP was the best move I ever made.

My life has been transformed as a result. I have done some amazing things and my life will be changed forever as a result.
No I will never resume my old career and that's OK.
But my future is exciting.

And there is no one to "explain" my gaps to.

Going back to work was the best choice for us. Kids have both done 1 day at each grannies house and 1 day nursery so they get a nice balance and I'm still off with them 4 days a week.
I was on maternity when my eldest started school and he was very annoyed he couldn't do breakfast and afterschool clubs yet...they both love their long days with their friends at school and nursery and I get to have the support of my lovely colleagues.
I feel with the uncertain future it's important for me to be paying into a pension for my own security.

if I wasn’t working I’d still want my kids in nursery two days a week as I’ve found they thrive mentally in nursery.

I do wonder at these types of "arguments".................you know that one's child can thrive mentally in your own care??!! With some research, planning, social and physical stimulation, engaging in activities with other children etc

Totally agree. I'm 100% in favour of women doing whatever works for them and their own families - ft, pt, sah, whatever. But only the most privileged of morons would suggest that working mothers do it because they're so avaricious and materialistic, and come out with bullshit ideas that money somehow doesn't matter or isn't very important. It absolutely does and is, and anyone who says otherwise has never had to go without it.

Yes, that was a total Marie Antoinette moment wasn't it? And I say that as someone who could probably just about afford to SAH, if DH went full time that is.

Also, take up of SPL is a poor way to measure men's engagement in childcare. It is, after all, only for a very short period even if they take the absolute maximum available to them. My DH has, like me, worked part time since I returned from ML with our first. He's never taken SPL, although ours were born before the newest provisions came in. But the time he has spent caring for his children whilst I worked has lasted much longer than SPL would have.

My kids didn't need nursery to "mentally thrive"
We attended playgroup a few mornings a week, had wide circle of friends for outings/swimming/picnics and always had lots of projects on the go.

Nursery is stuck in one place- that's one of my objections- and plenty time to be stuck in school for years to come.
My "stay at home Mum" stuff meant we were rarely at home, too busy with hammers in our fist off fossil hunting or digging on the beach or hillwalking or doing science experiments.
No lack of mental stimulation here.
My kids had a grasp of basic atomic theory when they were 4.

I pick up mt DD from school every day and as we wait at traffic lights we pass a herd of kids walking from one school to another where they consolidate after school club. The kids wear high viz vests and are tied together with some kind of rope.
My DD often comments " Poor kids" .

‘.you know that one's child can thrive mentally in your own care??’Mammy 8:08

And you see that’s the sort of response that perpetuates the argument. No one is saying that children dont thrive when they’re 1:1 with a SAHP. Simply that having some time
Nursery provides another environment in which they can thrive. Not a better one, just Another different one in which they can thrive in addition to the care and stimulation they get at home

I’m not making any great claim that my children were somehow advantaged by going to nursery. Neither were they disadvantaged. I’m sure they would have been just as happy/settler/inquisitive/bonded/grounded if they’d been at home with me. And before long these children, whether they’ve been in nursery or not, are following the same path of infant school, juniors, secondary, university....

What matters is raising our children into well rounded adults who are happy, successful and emotionally well tuned. And no one has a monopoly on that - WOHP or SAHP.

The only claim I’ll make (because it’s a fact not speculation) is that if I hadn’t returned to work, I wouldn’t be where I am on the career ladder, my pension would be shite, and I’d have missed out on a lot of the specific opportunities that working has brought me.

And of course now someone will jump in and tell me about all the amazing opportunities they’ve had while not working! Yeap, guess what, people who work also do exciting stuff that’s not connected with work.

It’s actually becoming more and more obvious that the OP, mammy, started this thread purely to have a snidey dig at WOHM. Why else would anyone post about their ‘picture book earth mother’ day in the snow, complete with a bit of home baking, and follow up with ‘any WOHM regret their choice?’ Just why? Stop pretending you’re interested... you’re clearly just trying to convince WOHM that your life is some blueprint that we all envy. (And all a bit by the by anyway as loads of us were out enjoying the snow too )

Of course DC can thrive in nursery or AH.

One of mine sadly had some shitty nurseries, but later a good one and an amazing childminder.

The poster was outlining the benefits of the arrangements that her and her partner chose, in her experience. Saying one’s DC did well in a specific setting doesn’t denigrate others’ choices.

you’re clearly just trying to convince WOHM that your life is some blueprint that we all envy

This ^^

However I don't envy it and many others have said the same. I have no desire to be a kept woman whatsoever, I simply can't imagine a life when everything, totally everything, is paid for by another who has to work so I don't. An unequal marriage isn't for me nor what I want to model for our children.

For those who are SAHM’s, how have you sorted out your pension?

I don't see that as an "unequal marriage".

My OH travels a lot with work, sometimes weeks at a time. When our children were young he was only able to do that because I cared for our kids.
How is that "unequal"?

Parker231 Hefty life insurance and I will snip OH's brake pipes.

"For those who are SAHM’s, how have you sorted out your pension?"

Because you see that's actually none of your business.

I see all this shit regularly trotted out thinly cloaked as concern. Making ourselves unemployable, no pension, no career, our husbands will leave us because of our lowly status.
Well surprising that he married us in the first place as SAHMs have the cognitive capacity of a dairy cow.
And we really really need life explained to us because reading the instructions for making salt dough gets us in a tizzy for days.

Butt out with your faux concern about pensions.

I love being a SAHM and it's what I've always wanted to do. I will be there for every milestone my son makes, every school play and I will cherish every moment. I am not 'modelling the 1950s' as some poster said earlier, I am doing what I feel is best for my child and loving my life.

I had some time off and a lot of maternity leave and part time working but got my career back on track into dull time, senior management when my youngest was 3 (she is now 8).

All the children so far have turned out well, eldest is 13 and a lovely teen so far, my 12 and 10 year old boys are well behaved and work hard.

Yes there have been very hard times and the children understand that mum and dad have work to do and can't drop everything at the drop of a hat. There have been many missed nativity plays but one of us is always there if the kids want us to/it's really important.

I don't feel I missed out, maybe because I was there more when they were tots.. Not sure. I do still feel it's tough, there are days where I am exhausted and I feel desperate for a break!!!!

Yellow: It’s not so much the money issue for me, it’s more basic than that. There are clearly upsides and downsides to any situation- working has brought me some great opportunities, I’ve used my brain in ways I wouldn’t have imagined, but naturally there are a few bits of the job that aren’t madly exciting.

Likewise caring for young children is magical, rewarding but some bits of it are frankly repetitive and dull.

So, like many other couples unsurprisingly, dh and I wanted to share the joys and the challenges. Why pigeonhole yourself into provider or carer when you can have some of each?

And for couples who don’t want to do that, and want one partner being sole provider and one at home then that’s fine too!

It’s just a rather wearing (though a tad amusing) when that minority of women harp on about how the latter set up works brilliantly for them because their dh earns shedloads and is oh such a high flying jet setter and just adores his job and doesn’t feel he’s missing out at all.... and then in the next breath tell us they wouldn’t want to be a wage slave, how not working is far more fulfilling etc. Continuity slip up there! At least be consistent- if working is such a terrible scary idea then why are you happy for your dh to be doing it?! I suppose it’s possible these women just happened to marry men who have interesting fulfilling jobs but aren’t qualified or capable of doing that sort of work themselves, so they’re not comparing like with like. Or if that’s not the case, and they are capable for doing interesting jobs like their husbands, but choose not to, then that’s absolutely fine, but why denigrate the world of work? Bonkers.....

Speak out - get off your high horse! I asked as my neighbour is in that position and is exploring options as she realises that even if she goes back to work, and she isn’t planning on doing so, she won’t accrue enough pension. She is thinking of getting a buy to let property and putting the income into a pension but worries about there being enough profit in it.

Ps ours wasn't really a financial.choice as Dh also in senior management...so we would have been fine me being a shame, I just didn't want to do it

My kids had a grasp of basic atomic theory when they were 4.

So did mine. And thanks to my work they get to do virtual tours of nuclear reactors and play with drones designed to help astronauts. Working can have more benefits than just money.

I feel the snow fell at the weekend rather than Wednesday many more parents would have been doing the same thing as the op

And then we could be smug is saying we have done both or not bought twice about creating memories as its just part of parenting

If the snow fell ...

TheHulk- that comment about atomic theory also made me chuckle. I mean, doesn’t nearly every child ask ‘what’s that made of?’ at some point before they start school? I’ve no doubt millions of kids have a basic grasp of such things.

Perhaps the difference is that I never stopped to think ‘goodness, I wonder if they understand that because I’m a WOHM’ Probably because I was far too busy enjoying my children to analyse every conversation I had with them.

Babbity I agree, most kids probably have a basic understanding of those things these days, not because parents are ever so engaged, but because Youtube has phenomenal science videos for kids that they can access all the time (as opposed to waiting for Bill Nye to come on once a week).

Babbity I had a typed a genuine response to your question a few minutes ago, about why this thread was stated. Despite having answered that a few times upthread I explained many reasons. Including the possibility of me returning to paid work at some stage in the future. Not sure when and not sure how much. Therefore, I am extremely keen to hear the honest reflections and experiences of those who've done that before me. Did other mothers regret returning to paid work when their children were pre-school/primary school/secondary school age etc? Honest reflections could help inform my decision-making. So you see, this thread isn't goady at all.

But then (8.51) you go and get all snidey and aggressive again. I've alluded to my professional background upthread, I've not felt the need to boast/outline how many degrees I have. I assure you I "am capable of doing and interesting job".