to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Why shouldn’t women judge other women?if their behaviour/ideological beliefs are at odd with ones own?

Because unless they are hurting or abusing someone or commiting a crime or otherwise being antisocial I don't see why we can't all be a bit more tolerant

Who said that’s the message?why are women conditioned to be supportive?
Seriously why can’t women vociferously disagree with other women
Isn’t this perpetrating notion women need to be nice,supportive
Are men told to be supportive?

Because life is already much easier for men, Lipstick. That's why I find it depressing. It's hard enough fighting to be taken as seriously as a white male, without other women piling on and judging your choices.

That's not saying we should judge men or criticise them either. But this thread is mostly women judging women for choices that are difficult to make. I happen to find that depressing reading.

I think everyone man, woman, child, animal, vegetable or mineral should be nice

Intellectual discussion and discourse is wonderful, but there is no need for rudeness or derisive commentary

I find your limited notion of women being supportive,nice really antiquated and limiting
You’re essentially reinforcing women know your place,be nice.be subservient
Maybe that’s an unconscious reinforcement but nonetheless you’re reinforcing social conditioning

Men should be nice too

My notion? Or did you mean niceand?

Nice for women is socially conditioned.its subservience not kindness,holding a door
Wee girls are socially taught what nice equals.and is has a gender loaded expectation
I see this on mn. A strident argumentative thread,someone calls it a bitchfest.
And that minimises and reduces women having strongly held opinions to bitching

I disagree completely. That's why there are things like women's networking events, and it's why so many women attend them.

But then again, I wouldn't agree with anyone here judging fathers for their decisions and child rearing either.

Network events have a clearly defined purpose & target audience
Ideologically network events are about addressing a perceived gender imbalance
Women network event is to raise profile,share knowledge,meet peers.acknowledment of gender imbalance and trying to address it
It’s not meeting other women just to be nice or supportive for sake of it

Yes there is overall more social conditioning for women to "be nice" but I genuinely believe that everyone should be nice. In order to make the world a nicer, more empathetic, tolerant and less hostile place

Right,now we are getting to it.the gender inequality wrapped up in girls being nice
There’s reams of research on this,gender stereotype of what nice girl equals
Boys aren’t conditioned to be nice in same way

I haven't ever regretted returning to work, although it has been really tough at times and I think will be again.

But. if I could look after my children, with help and back up, and not have to earn money, and it would come with no strings attached - that isn't an optino for most of us. That is a trust fund or something. Being with a man is, for many of us, bloody awful. I'd rather keep my skills sharp out there than be treated badly at home.

Lipstick there used to be loads of talk years ago (not sure about how it’s moved on since) about whiteness - and how it’s not just this blank canvas against which ethnicity could be contrasted against - I think some of your arguments remind me of this discourse - you treat men like they are ‘white’ - yet their gender too is fluid and socially defined. Many men do stay at home but the uptake of shared paternity leave has been shocking. Why?! Men love their children just as much as women - don’t treat their gender as the ‘other’ to which women are compared. Both genders have social constraints and challenges.

Both genders have social constraints and challenges
really?Look at the gender pay differential You’ll see women severely disadvantaged

It’s not all about money

That’s your searing précis of gender imbalance it’s not about money.oh well then...
Ime,folk who say it’s not about money are solvent and have enough money
Pay gap,is about institutional and individual prejudice and lack of parity

Because life is already much easier for men

Why?

Women can do everything a man can do plus have children. They may be physically stronger in the main but can't think of much else they can do that a female can't.

Well yes I do have enough - because I worked for it - I didn’t have any more opportunities given to me than anyone else in this country could have had. I worked hard, got good qualifications and then a good job on the back of that.
My pay is low now because I’ve chosen to go part time and a job that has short working hours for my kids. I have the choice to work long hours, full time and earn decent money, the same as men, if I wanted to. Yes, there’s a gender divide on pay- but money is not life.
Look for example at the suicide rates - men is way higher than women. Is this because men are taught not to manage their emotions at a young age.
The reasons behind the low uptake of shared parental leave should be researched and acted on - I think it would benefit men and women and help with parity.

So don’t make trite statements that it’s not all about money
Only solvent folk have the luxury of saying that
Otherwise yes it is all about money.money fills fridge,clothes kids,pays accommodation

I've been incredibly lucky to work PT since Ds1 was born 20 years ago, DS2 is now16 and I'm finally going back FT soon (which is scary) it's been a great balance. My parents and ex-in-laws made this possible while kids were young. However ex-husband has been useless in the respect that he's never taken any annual leave during school holidays (or any other time - he's a fucking waste of space 🙄) I remarried 10 years ago and DH is the best step-father ever and has done so much for the boys. Sorry gone off on a tangent there, but basically what I'm trying to say is I'm glad that I went back to work as I've had a great work/life balance with my boys, however I have a very understanding employer.

Probably would find it hard to get a job but I haven't looked.. I jacked my career 20- years ago when my first was born. My 4 closest friends did the same thing.

We are far too busy to look for a boss.

I work two days a week and nope no regrets , in fact I think I’d go insane being stuck home all day with my two toddlers. I find my work days almost a chance to rest and refresh myself. I relax on train to work, then go and get a coffee and breakfast in a cafe before heading to work. I run to a gym and do a HITT exercise class then run back to work in my lunch break. In fact my work days are bliss. Also I like the fact I’m not stalling my career and if anything happens to DP I can support myself or us as a family

I did consider giving my job up but really couldn’t find and good reason too as evenif I wasn’t working I’d still want my kids in nursery two days a week as I’ve found they thrive mentally in nursery. So I might as well be working when they put the house. No regrets at all.

Seriously why can’t women vociferously disagree with other women
Isn’t this perpetrating notion women need to be nice,supportive
Of course anyone, of any gender, can disagree and debate differing opinions. That is not the same as trying to put someone down for making different choices in how they live their life, which hurt no one, and make them happy.

In an ideal world, everyone should be respectful, and yes, supportive, of the rights of others to live as they wish if it harms no one, even if they would make very different choices. It has nothing to do with women being cast in a role by a patriarchal society, its about basic human respect.

I actually had this conversation with a friend who's planning her first now. She always said she would take 2 years off, but now she's questioning it. She asked me what I thought and I said going back to work after 3 months was the right choice for me, given where we live and our industry.

I didn't have any gaps to explain, 3 months was enough time to get the DC's sleeping regular hours and sort childcare. However, the job I had at the time was set hours and little to no overtime and/or stress. It would be harder with the job I have now.

Other friends I know who took a year or 6 months struggled to get back into the industry, and had to take a lower level job which was more stressful.

Honestly though, the idea of being a SAHP has never appealed to me or been on my radar.