to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

My dp is a great father but no - he doesn’t know the kids anything like as well as I do because I have spent sooo much more time with them. He’s bonded with them in his own way but it’s not the bond the kids and I have - they always want me if they are upset or ill for example.

Niceandwarmandhot - yeah, girls from homes with a working mum "earn more" thereby our society deems them more successful, irrespective of health, happiness or any other factors. Not saying they're any less happy, but all that research does is take a very narrow definition of "success". Plus the difference really was marginal in any case.

I didn't suggest for one second a parent being absent for toilet training results in attachment disorder. I did however, suggest that it has an effect (just not to the extend of disorder). Don't put words in my mouth lipstick

Is it just me or is there an awful lot of fabrication and exaggeration by others of what some are saying here?! Can't people just read and understand what posters say without making it something else entirely?
THIS!

Re: dad's working long hours in a "breadwinner" role
The reality is no, they don't know every aspect of their child's day as much as the sahp. But here's the thing........my dh and I work as a team!!! Guess what......we communicate! I speak to him about the events of the day/week and we discuss together how to negotiate challenges. The reality is that I am usually the one who is there to implement said strategies/plan (for want of a better choice of phrase). TEAMWORK. Different role. Both of value and worthwhile!

I used to see a dad who’s dp I knew from baby group daily on journey in/out to work
One day I casually said they could come over with baby for lunch one weekend
He looked at me witheringly and said the hours you work you’d be better spend time with your baby
Now bear in mind,he works works same hrs as me..so I looks at him and says Gosh,let’s take a raincheck seeing we are both absent parents
He had a face like well smacked arse,and from then in didnt talk to me on transport

See, Ginny - you can't accept there is any other argument! I would say it doesn't feel like a "narrow" definition of success when you can give your kids advantages in life like a nice house, private school, holidays etc, and they can see their mother doing a high powered job, proving that women are capable of that as well as men.

Doubtless OP would say, "ah but none of that is the same as having been there to potty train them every day" - great for her, but there's no need to put down working mums to make yourself feel better about a decision to stay at home. It really is nobody else's business.

Equally niceandwarm you shouldn't feel the need to be on some defensive mission to prove women are capable of that as well as a man

Really, Op? Have you read some of the answers on this thread? Have you seen some of the stats about women in high flying roles?

Because they're not great reading for women.

Goodness I’m really glad dh and I have always seen ourselves as equal parents and that I haven’t “bagged” for myself a “special” bond that’s “superior” to my husband’s. I think my children deserve a special bond with us both.

I would say it doesn't feel like a "narrow" definition of success when you can give your kids advantages in life like a nice house, private school, holidays etc,

But that's one definition of success (a very western, capitalist one), it is not the only or necessarily the correct definition. Other people/cultures might define other things as a sign of success, like achieving a higher inner peace devoid of material possessions (look at Buddhist monks) or here in America some people value being entirely self sufficient and living off the grid on their own acreage, hunting their own food, making their own clothes and possessions and home educating their children

Ah the OP is back. Nice work. Are you going to explain why you started such a smug thread?

Babby - yes maybe it is a bit selfish of me. I have the potential to be the higher earner of my partner and I - but no way would I go back full time and let him work part time. My kids are the treasure that money can’t buy

As I said mammy,sahm are endebted to women like niceand,who demonstrate employment & opportunities to the children of sahm

Sure, abso. That's why it's everyone's CHOICE what they do. My objection here is the OP and some others clearly trying to make out that you can't be as good a parent if you work. Which is bollocks.

Personally I'm glad that the bonuses I've earned will one day buy my DC a house in a world where it's quite possible most of their peers will struggle to get on the property ladder. That and a top education are my priorities for them. Others can have totally different priorities and that's fine, but it doesn't make theirs right or more important. The implied and open criticisms on this thread are depressing.

No , not in the slightest. I didn’t study for 5 years to stay at home .

(And I have no real skin in the game as I have a sahp, so my DC has both . I just find some posts on this thread really sad)

on mn a mans salary,house,school,are all benchmarks of success
Yet if a woman describes these same benchmarks they’re outsourcing kids,causing attachment disorder
On mn Sahm routinely describe dp affluent lifestyle,all impossible without a sahm..apparently

Endebted?!

Wowsas

No more so than the professional musicians, dancers, sportspeople, novelists, artists, children's book authors and illustratiors, naturist who runs the local nature education sessions, lady in the supermarket who gave DD a sticker, the SAHM NCT volunteer who helped me with DDs latch in the early days etc etc etc have and continue to influence and enrich the world around us all and for our children. Isn't that what makes the world an interesting, varied and inspiring place?? Don't we all have something of value worth contributing? Or only if you get paid for it??

babby it's not a smug thread, but it's interesting you perceive it as such. That tells us a lot more about you than me.

My objection here is the OP and some others clearly trying to make out that you can't be as good a parent if you work. Which is bollocks.

Well quite!!

And it also applies the other way, WOHP are not better parents/setting a better role model than SAHPs

I didn't suggest for one second a parent being absent for toilet training results in attachment disorder. I did however, suggest that it has an effect (just not to the extend of disorder). Don't put words in my mouth lipstick

A child could spend 24/7 from the day it’s born with its primary care giver (let’s presume mum in this scenario). Yet it could still suffer from attachment disorder. It’s about far more than just ‘being with’ mum or not.

Not all sahm mums are spending the days, playing, baking, going off to toddler groups. So I’m sorry but just being at home does not make you a good parent either.
(My mums a qualified social worker and currently works in outreach, so sees plenty of this first hand).

I know my daughter and her routine, I know her likes and dislikes. It’s me who takes her to gp and Dentist appointments, who dresses and baths her. It’s me she holds her arms out to first if she falls (unless her dads there and he sees her less than me!) it’s me who’s breasts she still feeds from in the morning and last thing at night.

To clarify, I mean you can't say either is better they are just different paths, with different positives and negatives which will be different for each family and situation

Op didn’t just ask,no just asking about it.she vividly described a snow day as idyllic and wondered if working mums regret working

Niceandwarm - my "narrow definition of success" comment was in relation to the research that states daughters of working mothers are more successful. The definition of success employed was that it was found they overall earned slightly more than the daughters of mothers not in paid work. I frequently see this research quoted as proof of how much more successful daughters of working mothers are, thereby making it a good thing. But defining life success as higher earnings is extremely short sighted and narrow.

Attachment disorder is not about physical proximity.its emotional absence not geographical absence

But defining life success as higher earnings is extremely short sighted and narrow.
Does this apply equally to the salaried dp of sahm are they short sighted