to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

My parents were what some people might call peasants. My mum was a SAHM who left school at 14, yet I (as the only daughter) was the only one who left our country to come here and study. My brothers are still there (which is obviously fine too)!

Of course you don't need a working mum to model the value of education and a good work ethic. My mum modelled an immense inner strength and that can be applied to anything. Education should give you choices. My DDs are very fortunate to be getting a fantastic education but I couldn't care less if they become the PM or a SAHM. I will support them all the way. Whatever motivates them and makes them happy.

Few comments now about social aspect and child/parent enjoying time with other people. Eh, you can stay at home and spend time with other people, and your child play with other kids?! On the days I wasn't at work, my toddler got to interact with a much wider range of people than the 30 other babies/toddlers he would have done in a nursery! Visiting friends and family, outings to lots of different places, toddler groups etc etc. Why is there a common perception that all SAHPs and their children do nothing but sit indoors all day?

That's not to criticise nurseries, I know lots of little ones enjoy their time at them and are well cared for, but it's nonsense to suggest they're the only or best way for little ones to have social interaction.

@Parker231 - those who are absolutely shattered from a long day at school, had enough of being with their friends all day, couldn't care less for more activities as they're craving some down time in their most familiar and comforting environment - their home.

I also don't like the capitalistic idea that paid employment is the only valuable employment and its value is in direct proportion to the salary attached to it. We should surely have a more nuanced view of value in society than that.

Exactly

Yep, exactly this ^^

I'm not sure if it's entirely relevant, however. it's been mentioned in this post a few times; so in relation to "my child enjoys creche/after school clubs etc" that's not the point. I don't dispute they do enjoy it, I do question however that by the child engaging in some activities with others it reduces the opportunity for child and primary caregiver attachmen. I'll try to explain this better by giving an example -dc1 and toileting. I believe that demonstrating patience, grace and humour as my child negotiated accidents and learning independent toileting our bond was strengthened. I would have hated to miss out on this.

Giny- of course if your children are really shattered by the end of school and can’t cope with after school club or other form of care then you have to adapt which may mean giving up your job. But don’t assume that all children feel like that

You see I read on mn about these 6figure salary men,the solvent lives
I never read any prosperous sahm on mn say i don't want to be the beneficiary of the capitalistic idea of paid employment
Seems Ok that sahm mention their dp well paid employment as a benchmark of achievement & success

I didn’t miss out on that. Is there anything else you can think of? I’m their parent, I’m really struggling to see what bond building milestones I’ve missed out on

Mammy attachment disorder is a relatively uncommon syndrome
attachment disorder is repeated and habitual lack of regard,emotional absence and no rapport
It is not created by mums working.and toilet training has no significance in attachment disorder

I didn't babbity - I was responding to a poster's question of "what child wouldn't like after school clubs?" my response - plenty, for the reasons given. Nowhere did I say all!

It’s really coming to something if SAHM on here are feigning concern that us WOHM are missing out on bonding milestones.

No, really. Save your concern. If we tell you we’re not, maybe just get your head round the fact we know our children better than you do

Also didn't mention anything about a child "not coping" - just that they might be tired and prefer to be at home?

Is it just me or is there an awful lot of fabrication and exaggeration by others of what some are saying here?! Can't people just read and understand what posters say without making it something else entirely?

How can you know your child if you don’t spend any time with them? Genuine question- if you don’t see them except when they are asleep Monday to Friday and then only spend part of the weekend with them (presume you need to have a bit of down time/time off too) how can you really know them? You barely see them.

Do any sahm ever eschew their dp pursuing the capitalistic idea of paid employment?
You know,like say,capitalistic idea of paid employment its too reductive and limiting
Why do some sahm make reference to their dp salary & career as if money is a benchmark of achievement

Oh god, think I'll retreat now.....

I can assure you I did potty train my DC myself. I can't say I view it as an important bonding experience though. Maybe that's why I would be a shit SAHM.

apples so most fathers don't know their children?

You’d have hated to miss out on potty training
Jeez I’d have loved to sub contract that
I’d have paid mega bucks
Jeez why do we do this
It’s horses for courses and to be honest for a lot (in fact the vast majority) of people they don’t have the luxury of choice
My eldest is an adult trust me in the great scheme of thing whether he was breast fed, who taught him to piss in a toilet and whether he went to after school club or not is beyond insignificant in the greatest scheme of things

Ginyogarepeat - mine didn’t have any problems managing After School Clubs - my DS hated if I turned up early as I was ruining his football game! They got plenty of time with DH and I - DH took them to nursery /school and I did the 6pm pick up. We’d chat walking to the tube, on the journey home and in the evenings. After they left Prep School, they would often do sports clubs at school after school finished and get the tube home themselves. This meant that DH and I were often home before them and we would have dinner and the evenings together.

Apples applying your rationale is your dp a stranger?does he know his kids?

Great Parker, that's brilliant. Just not all kids enjoy being at school for ever longer days - your question was "what child wouldn't?". My answer - plenty!

apples - most children have two parents. Are you assuming that only one bonds with them, raises them and gets to know them?

Fucking hell some of the comments on here are judgy, and all dressed up in faux concern or cutesy little questions. Why the hell do we have to judge each other?

My DM stayed at home with us until we were 7 and 5. My DF worked v long hours. Guess what; I loved both of them to bits and was just as close to DF as DM.

For every post saying you miss out on bonding, there are new stats particularly for girls showing that children of working mothers tend to be better educated and to have higher earning careers. It's just not cut and dried at all.

Whether you are desperate to stay at home or desperate to get back to work and have adult interaction/further your career, don't use your decision to judge others. It's your decision for your family and that's all you get to make!

Lipstick - My DH facilitates me to focus 100% on our children with no worries about juggling work pressures or making money. I facilitate him to go for it 100% with work with no compromises needed. This happens to suit our individual personalities. If we didn't prefer it this way, our family would have evolved differently. So yes, we do claim to be involved in each other's successes because we support each other to live the way we do.