to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

lipstick I didn't realize you knew my DH?

porkflute 12.48
It could just be a turn of phrase but people on here seem to be saying it’s a big reason they went back to work. They couldn’t cope with looking after their children all day so that task had to be passed on to lower beings whose feeble brains can cope with such unimportant work.
That’s not the role model I wanted to be.
Once the kids were in school I went back to work term time only. I actually enjoy the company of my children most of the time as does their dad who has changed his job and working hours to maximise the time he can spend with them.
And like I said in my first post now that my children are older and barely passing ships half the time with their busy social lives I don’t regret a second of the time spent with them when they were young and needy and wanted to be with their family ahead of anyone else.
I get that being a sahm isn’t for everyone but it’s sad that outsourcing the care of your own children for a large proportion of the time is seen by some to be the only way to be a valued member of society and a good role model.
THIS!!

babbitywabbit 14.54
Ok let’s turn things around. If I started a post for the sole purpose of telling you all about my exciting day at work, how I’ve used my intellect, made a valuable contribution to society, enjoyed the social side with my colleagues and earned good money... followed by “Any SAHM regret their choice..?” .... that wouldn’t be seen as goady?!
Sadly just about EVERY threat on MN has any vague reference to mothers in paid employment goads sahms, frequently asking them outright if they regret their choice, or more directly telling individual posters of their failings and lackings as a mother by not directly eliciting an income to their household.

I always laugh at outsourcing children as a term it’s so pejorative haha
Yes I outsource mine to a glassy eyed disinterested felon

I don’t see it as pejorative at all. It’s a simple fact. I outsourced some of the care of my children for some of the time to others. No problem with that.

Now if people talk about outsourcing parenting then they’re just being plain nasty and they know it

It’s meant in a pejorative way. But no I don’t feel bad about childcare
Straightforward business transaction,generates employment

Spousal maintenance is on the way out

A man at work divorcing after 25yr wife never worked. Wife is 50. Wif wanted maintenance but judge said clean break is standard now. Wife apparently livid at having to attempt to find work etc at 50

Lots of recent cases have moved away from spousal maintenance esp now women meant to work until 67. Why should a woman require 'maintenance' for 15-20yrs just because she had children decades earlier? Makes no sense to me , quite Victorian.

Mammy,sahm rely on other working women to model employment to their kids. As the sahm can’t do it. So when sahm is encouraging dc to stick in and get a good job that role modelling falls to other women. Working women who work in STEM,business,retail,service,law,health & social care and teaching.women demonstrably working in jobs sahm kids may express interest in.

Mammy, I could and possibly would have written your post 20 years ago. Now I am divorced, unemployable and poorer than I have been since I was a student.That doesn't remotely mean I regret spending 10 years exclusively in the company of small people, before the youngest went to school. I loved every minute of it. But you never know what's going to happen further down the line, and I would (and do) advise my DC to keep their options open - and ideally choose the kinds of jobs which they would be able to return to later on, should they choose to have time out for whatever reason.

I work part time dc now in secondary and I feel working part time is the best of both worlds. I had to be persuaded to go back to work part time by DH and my best friend but it was definitely the best thing for me.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be a sahm all the time much as I love my kids to bits and occasionally I feel guilty about rushing for work or the occasional after school club when they were littlle etc. But being at home all the time would drive me nuts and the thankless task of house work no thank you.
Mine are now at secondary and we have had some lovely snow days this week and today as the schools have been shut, lovely walks with the dog, conversations, walks into town, lunches out, movies at home and been sledging loads and whilst most of it has been lovely. The incessant in and out, tramping snow in, wet socks and gloves chucked everywhere, various friends in and out, numerous changes of clothing and washing, mess from the hot chocolate and snacks dd has made i’m struggling to get washing dry, both th it bedroom are untidy with floordrobes, refereeing arguments, them sitting lazying around on iPads whilst I try and hoover round, clean kitchen etc ask them to help and it’s either an in a minute or i’m Not your slave and a heated discussion it has also been very hard work especially with DH staying away one night due to the extreme weather.

Also going back to work allowed me to keep a foot in the door of work and I got promoted, doing a job I loved whilst retaining my part time hours. If I hadn’t gone back to work when I did I doubt I would have done for a long time and it’s difficult to get back on the career ladder also I might have lost my confidence.

“In our case no it wouldn't. DH could not work in his job as a higher rate tax payer without me at home. Honestly smile”

Fair enough but probably best not to judge everyone on your situation then. It’s great to be a higher rate tax payer but it’s not unusual and doesn’t automatically come with a job that’s impossible to have children with (as previously mentioned both my husband and I do, with no childcare issues, despite no family support) that said, individual circumstances are just that, whether mine or yours

lipstickhandbagcoffee
You've made a statement of face. What's your point?

Thanks for your feedback Athena, I can only comment from my current position, so reflections from those who've been here are helpful.

*statement of fact

Mammy,sahm rely on other working women to model employment to their kids. As the sahm can’t do it. So when sahm is encouraging dc to stick in and get a good job that role modelling falls to other women.

You never answered my previous question about how myself and DSis have managed to become educated and have successful careers (before I chose to give up work) in the absence of this apparently necessary female working role model in the family unit? (My GMs, DM and MIL were all SAHMs too btw)..... I think being a good role model for your children is about so much more than whether you work in paid employment or not as the only factor

Fair enough but probably best not to judge everyone on your situation then.

I didn't?????!! I have passed zero judgement on this thread. I've repeatedly said that everyone's situations are different therefore no one can possibly say which is "better" or "contributing more"

My point? you’re vividly describing a snow day as if working mums are missing out
I don’t feel I’m missing out in the least by not being home on a snow day
In fact I’ve gone to considerable efforts,protracted journey etc to ensure I get to work. As did my colleagues

Hold on absofrigginlutely! I remember that question, but it wasn't directed at me!! (I don't think)

I concede lipstick's point that EMPLOYED FEMALES model PAID FEMALE EMPLOYMENT. However, said paid employed females may or may not be mothers. Additionally, paid females are not necessarily role models. By that, I mean that being in paid employment does not result in someone automatically being a "role model" (a term which seems to have taken on a whole new meaning in this post!!). Additionally, a female not in paid employment is no less of a role model. From my position, a child benefits in so many ways from having their mum "at home". The benefits are endless; practical, social, emotional. I'm happy to give examples, but I think you agree? Hope that makes sense. I imagine you and your sister were encouraged to pursue your dreams and aspirations BECAUSE OF your mum "at home" with you, not DESPITE IT!!!!

I’ve not rtt but -
I think it’s great you love your current lifestyle and are happy with your choices
Personally I find working part time the best balance for me but I would much much rather stay at home than work full time. I’ve taken many step downs in my career to be able to work part time. You don’t ever that time with the kids back - no one gets to old age and wishes they had worked more

Well dd’s only 17 months and I’m at uni and working part time. I don’t regret going back to uni as it’s a way to secure mine and dd’s future and I don’t regret my part time work as it helps support us both now.

It’s a difficult balance but I don’t think either of us miss out. She loves nursery and gets to socialise and have lots of fun. I get to socialise and engage my brain at uni and work. And we get to have fun together on my half days, evenings and weekends. She came home from her dads at 6 today and we made a fresh batch of playdough and played with that before bath, story and bed. Tomorrow we’re going to the park and will bake some buns when we get back.

I think having more limited time with her, makes me eager to fill it with something fun and she gets a 100% of my attention.

My mum worked FT. My mum was a single parent who demonstrated a commendable work ethic
My sisters & I all work FT, and yes my mum encouraged us in career choices

You never answered my previous question about how myself and DSis have managed to become educated and have successful careers (before I chose to give up work) in the absence of this apparently necessary female working role model in the family unit? (My GMs, DM and MIL were all SAHMs too btw).....

Well in my case (and am similar in that all women of my mother's generation and prior were SAHMs), my sister and I were educated and have successful careers because my lovely mum - who was happy in her life but very clear-sighted - explicitly told us that we should choose careers and jobs that we could continue with after having children and that having to give up work and stay home (as she did - the marriage bar in the civil service) was hard and that for many women she knew, including several of her friends, staying home was not a magical idyll of making memories but often tedious, difficult and not good for their mental health.

People make their choices, usually but not always based on what is best for their families. I wouldn't have wanted to be the one home all day with babies/toddler and I don't really care if someone feels sad for me about that. But someone has to mind small children. I also don't like the capitalistic idea that paid employment is the only valuable employment and its value is in inverse proportion to the salary attached to it. We should surely have a more nuanced view of value in society than that.

sorry - should be direct proportion not inverse

And my mum worked full time from me being a baby, where as my dad was home much more and a sahd for a while. I have equally good memories of doing lovely things with both of them.

Mammy, I think it's clear that there is no ideal way to do this. As I say, I don't regret for a single second giving up my job when DC1 was born. I lived and breathed every single minute with my children before they went to school (they didn't go to nursery; two of them skipped Reception and went straight into Year One because I didn't see any particular advantage to them being at school when they had just turned four). But that doesn't make me a better or more committed mother than one who decides to carry on working. We all love the very bones of our children, and we all muddle through in whatever way works more or less best for our particular families.

In retrospect, there is no 'better' way I could have done things, other than qualifying as something I could return to later. Instead, I qualified as something I loved, then had a job I hated - so it was easy to leave it. My daughters, expensively educated to the hilt, are already wondering how they will be able to combine careers and children. This should arguably not be solely their problem, but I think they are wise to wonder.

No. I think my mental health suffered a bit with being home so much and not having things that needed doing. In fact I went from 3 days to full time this year and am even happier (youngest will be school age in sept)