to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

People do what is right for them but I do hope that the people who say they would go mad having to spend all day with their children don’t repeat it to them

Agreed.

I also hope they show a slightly less patronising attitude to the childminders or nannies being driven "mad" by their children while they are at work.

Actually (off at a bit of a tangent here) I think there are worse things than occasionally yelling at your kids that they’re driving you mad (which I probably did a couple of times along the way )

Subtle undercurrents of negativity are probably far more damaging in the long term. Children can cope with a parent having the occasional yell, provided they know they are secure and loved. What’s more damaging is if they sense that a parent is frustrated, or being a martyr

Babbitty - Yes I agree. If being home with your children makes you anxious, depressed or frustrated, then you probably shouldn't be doing it.
Not everyone is cut out for kids 24/7, just as some people find office work mind-numbing.
Takes all sorts to make the world go around.,

Think you misunderstood my post!

Yes occasional high expressed emotions is normal,and human
A habitual undercurrent of martyrdom and/or frustration is hard for the adult and the child

I work PT and would deeply regret being FT if I had returned on a FT basis. I'm lucky that my PT job is fairly decent and DH has a good job that he loves. We have the best balance that works well for us, and that's all that matters!

If we both worked FT with a long commute I'd be permanent stressed, and time at weekends would definitely not be quality, with housework, appointments, groceries etc to sort. Would definitely NOT make a better parent.
Now I do a job I like for half the week, love the few days I get to do school runs and activities after school, and the relaxing, quality time we have as a family at weekends. Every day I appreciate how lucky we are.
Do what suits you - it's not one size fits all, as with everything in life!

Well if your point was that people who SAH are "martyrs" who "avoid work at all costs," could the same generalisation not be made of women who go to work being "martyrs" of a different kind who avoid "going mad" with their kids day-in-day-out at all costs?

Both those generalisations are equally ridiculous in my opinion and what does it matter anyway? People are cut out for different things.

I often found / still find my DCs’ company dull! one of my DC had speech and language problems until around age 5 and wanted to role play for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew one to one play was good and wanted to help, but god it was boring! Conversation was obviously v limited for years! My other DC is an introvert and dislikes much conversation after school, and I find them being so quiet can be difficult.

Domestic chores aside being with DC can also be stressful at times eg tantrums, whining, sibling arguments, homework.

The same DC went through a terrible threenager type phase and I remember crying because I was always behind at work and found my days off work stressful too. DH suggested I increase my working hours and that actually worked much better at the time.

I would far, far rather work than care for preschool age DC because, for me, doing the latter was dull and stressful. My former childminder was excellent at her job but much prefers her current office job!

Dozer but that's all part of growing up.

Children need guidance, instruction, shown ways to deal with their developing emotional sense. They need the world explaining to them, they need to learn about morality, respect and how to treat others.They are trying to make sense of the world, their humanity and their growing maturity.

Being a parent to guide a child through growing up may be dull and stressful for you, but crucial and needed for that child.

Your response to having a child going through a "terrible threenager age" was to abdicate and go to work more, neatly sidestepping the issue rather than step up to the mark.

I would suggest actually dealing with a toddler's behavioural challenges is part of being a parent.

And far too important to leave that to paid care.

Kids are not just there for the fun days.

Thanks for the patronising lecture, not! I fully understand the importance of parents’ role for DCs’ wellbeing and development.

There are choices, and families make different ones. Lots of ways to be a parent and raise DC well.

Mothers - or fathers! - of babies and preschoolers WoH for more hours is not abdicating parental responsibility. We retain that responsibility whatever we do.

My DC “threenager” DC was and years later is fine, and I was better for the change. In my personal case MH was a factor: my health and wellbeing was important too, for me and the whole family.

My mum martyred herself constantly - she went on and on about how hard she had to work while making it perfectly clear that she’d go crazy without her work. My mum should never have had kids, she did not wish to spend time with us, that was very clear too but she was Catholic and felt she had no choice but to breed apparently.

And she wasn’t much of a role model either!

It could just be a turn of phrase but people on here seem to be saying it’s a big reason they went back to work. They couldn’t cope with looking after their children all day so that task had to be passed on to lower beings whose feeble brains can cope with such unimportant work.
That’s not the role model I wanted to be.
Once the kids were in school I went back to work term time only. I actually enjoy the company of my children most of the time as does their dad who has changed his job and working hours to maximise the time he can spend with them.
And like I said in my first post now that my children are older and barely passing ships half the time with their busy social lives I don’t regret a second of the time spent with them when they were young and needy and wanted to be with their family ahead of anyone else.
I get that being a sahm isn’t for everyone but it’s sad that outsourcing the care of your own children for a large proportion of the time is seen by some to be the only way to be a valued member of society and a good role model.

Medal for most patronising post goes to....speakout!

Of course being a parent is about guiding your children, imparting values, and dealing with the challenges they throw at you. And that’s life long, whether you combine parenting with work or not. Parenting is about far more than whether you change every nappy, serve up every meal,whether you are the only person ever to read them a story, or whether for some of the time, these things are done by some one else too.

I still think some people are conveniently missing the point. It’s not spending time with young children which is dull; it’s the repetitive nature of some of the tasks involved which aren’t always scintillating.

And whatever way you look at it, if you’re the parent at home, you are going to be the one doing the boring stuff like sticking the laundry on and prepping the evening meal. And I know that’s not directly related to child caring, but it’s inevitable that if you’re in the home while your partner is out at work, you’re the one physically there to do those things.

So let’s cut the ‘goodness caring for children is so tough/difficult/boring that some people can’t cope with it.’ Speak for yourselves- my kids were never boring!

“but it’s sad that outsourcing the care of your own children for a large proportion of the time is seen by some to be the only way to be a valued member of society and a good role model.”

I think we have another contender for most patronising post!!

And once again, if you dont feel happy to outsource any aspect of childcare then go ahead and be a SAHM. It’s no one’s business but you and your partners. But what extra validation do you actually want? Surely you value what you do for you and your own family? what extra do you want from society?

Like I said upthread, I get validation from my work life in various ways, through salary, appraisal, the fact it’s socially useful. I got validation from looking after my children because I loved them to the ends of the earth and because dh and I raised them to be grounded, positive young people. I didn’t look for validation beyond that- I didn’t need to.

Agreed...Indig0 your post on page 10 is excellent and one that I will re-read. Before I had dc1 I worked full-time, I was a public sector worker. I had my first dc (nearly 12 years ago) and had excellent maternity leave, was able to top up with a career break and then able to return to work on part-time hours to fit around my daughter - pre-school etc then school. I loved the variety and found the job interesting and felt I had plenty of energy to give to my daughter. Fast forward 7 Years. Birth of my second daughter. Nature of job changed... loads of red tape, career break no longer available - part-time hours on such a flexible basis no longer available. Basically my female manager told me it was up to me to choose...I was fortunate to have the choice and chose family life/my children. My husband sometimes worked away and with no extended family to support me working these hours plus caring for my children would have become exhausting (I don't have high stress tolerance). Plus there would have been no financial gain to us as a family - I know the old debate about dh contributing to childcare costs etc. but in the end I felt like a mere cog and not valued - despite excellent appraisals etc. no attempt was made to find me alternative employment with flexi hours in this large organisation. This was the final straw - I had to look at everyone's quality of life and this did include my own (I waited ages for dc2 due to fertility issues and I felt that I wanted to be there for her - this is how I felt and I acknowledged that.) Recently, I attended an interview for a job and got shortlisted (after 4 years of being a sahm) before finding out I was pregnant again with dc3. There were masses of applicants for this relatively low paid job with flexible hours and I was amazed at the competition for this job...but shouldn't have been...because women are looking for jobs that fit around their family commitments. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be the jobs out there to accommodate all the mums that want this. So, yes, I do plan to go back to work at some point but I am trying to make the most of my time at home - and don't really enjoy the toddler phase but this is part of the parcel for me - can relate to having a hyper toddler - mine would somehow find their way into the playgroup kitchen and start emptying cupboards! Fortunately, I have discovered an engaging hobby which keeps my mind stimulated (writing) and I am also working on developing a website for a charity I feel passionately about so have 'projects' on the boil...and I suppose for me a sense of identity - probably more so than if I had remained in my previous job.
DH as a senior job and has employed a 'mum' (on her merits) and her hours are incredibly flexible (I suppose also because the nature of the job allows) but I am proud of dh for doing this after my own terrible experience of finding flexible work...I wish other employers would follow suit. I am proud of my degree, though I have never used it as such but this is down to many complicating factors, still the fact that I have attained it travels with me - I have a love for learning and I try to pass this on to my children, so I feel that there are still benefits from having gained it. I feel in a good place now because I understand 'me' better and what I need...that I may well return to work just for the money for college funds etc. but this time out of work has enabled me to be creative and to discover what makes me tick...I will certainly be working to live not living to work should I return to what I anticipate will be a relatively low paid job (in my instance)...it is sad but nearly all of us are replaceable in our jobs...not quite so as parents, perhaps.

Wow, sorry for the epic post x

Until people started posting about working so that their child had a good female role model I had kept my opinions to myself!
I wanted to role model the importance of family and the values in our family are that in the main you are cared for by your parents. This isn’t the norm any more and I think it’s sad. If there had been a shift towards more dads caring for children I think that would have been a positive thing. But we have been duped into believing that we are only valued as workers. Want to bring up your own kids? You’re drain on society. Have a disability and can’t work? You’re a drain on society.
Being a sahm can be as stimulating as any paid career. If you stay at home sat in front of the tv all day then it won’t be but I doubt working on a till in Tesco is the most stimulating way to spend your time either despite being paid.

First of all, nearly all SAHMs I know have cleaners in a few times a week. In the main, If a family can afford to have a long-term SAHP, they are not likely to be struggling financially.

Second of all, when I had DC, it ceased to be about "me" - my "validation" as you put it. What does that even mean? I did what I thought was best for the kids and that was me being there daily.

If I had needed to work, then that would have been what was best for my kids. What would the alternative have been?

If being at home made me depressed or whatever, then someone else acting in my place would have been the best for my kids.

I'm lucky that I've never been depressed. I'm a "people person" and the people I find most fascinating are my own DC.

And as for people pointing to their lifestyle - lavish holidays and material possessions. Ask your 2 yr old what they would rather have - more stuff or to be looked after by one of their parents? I would challenge you to find a 2 yo in the land that would choose stuff (unless their parent was abusive obviously).

I would rather have had lovely holidays than my mum at home. And I adore my mum. But it was boring being at home with her. It certainly wasn’t all attention on me either- 2 siblings.

Yes! I agree with Lavenderdays.

The main problem (for me, anyway) with being a SAHM is not the time spent with your kids, but the impact on your future career prospects.

If only you could have a few years out and then go back to an interesting job with some flexibility, that would solve some of these problems.

The fact that this is so hard to do (to an extent that I believe is out of proportion to the skills / experience you may have missed out on) means that being a SAHM isn’t just a few years out while your kids are small. It’s a massive decision which may affect the whole of the rest of your working life.

Porkflute

Ask your 2 yr old what they would rather have - more stuff or to be looked after by one of their parents? I would challenge you to find a 2 yo in the land that would choose stuff

No, but I did have a two year old who did prefer going to preschool than staying at home. She used to get upset on days she couldn't go. She always loved going to preschool, seeing her friends and the fab stuff she did there.

They don't always choose to stay at home with Mum either!

And as for people pointing to their lifestyle - lavish holidays and material possessions. Ask your 2 yr old what they would rather have - more stuff or to be looked after by one of their parents

But it's not just about holidays and 'stuff'.

It's long term opportunities for the DC (private school, expensive hobbies, debt free university, help with house deposits) and better financial security in the face of unexpected redundancy, sickness, divorce, retirement.

I want my kids to be on rock solid foundations financially. I have to work to do that. My 3 year old may not understand that now, but he will in time.