to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

It’s not even about ‘stuff’ for many of us.
At the end of the day, most of us want our children to do well educationally, to have aspirations for interesting and fulfilling work lives (after all, the ability to earn your own living is pretty basic.) Its as simple as that really. Why wouldn’t I want for myself, the same sort of aspirations my children have?

Two year olds have an unfortunate habit of not staying two for long. And getting more expensive as they get older. This is what makes the whole thing so complex really, the question of whether time or money is more important to a child's welfare can vary so much depending on their age and circumstances. We both work part time so a foot in both camps.

And actually if we’re looking to see where the sneering starts, look no further than the OP.
A SAHM who’s just spent a blissful picturebook day in the snow and doing home baking, asking if any WOHP regret their choice...
I suspect if she was really so happy with her day she wouldn’t dream of going on MN to post that!

Same here. One of the reasons I work is for long-term financial security and to provide the DC with more opportunities.

My mother wanted to be a SAHM, so as a family we went without to accommodate that. It was for her benefit not ours. I can’t remember being two so I cannot comment on how I felt about it at the time. I can remember growing up in a cold house and supporting myself entirely through university.

This was actually quite an interesting thread for a while with lots of people sharing their experiences of combining a career and parenthood. Then as usual, a few SAHMs jump on determined to take offence where none was meant, and demand external validation for their role.

There are many factors that influence our decisions though.

I certainly wanted to be a SAHM, but I had no family help at all, OH had ( and still has ) a job that requires lots of travel, working call outs, odd and unexpected hours.
I was later to discover that due to my son's chronic ill health he rarely had above 80% attendance at school.

So for me to work full time would have been much more difficult than those who earn enough to pay a nanny, or have lots of able grandparents around, or those that have OHs who have flexibility and able to do school pick ups.

Although I jacked in a good career (a research scientist) by the nature of that job too my hours were long and often unexpected- it was a demanding job and would have been difficult to do with a young family and a husband who had similar work demands.

So although- thankfully- I really did want to become a SAHM, circumstances would have dictated that anyway whether I wanted to or not.

I've gone to back to work with DD and not regretted it. I've had exactly the same day as you - it's called annual leave or even working from home for the day. Best of both worlds!

How can you "work at home" and look after small kids?

Genuine question.

It truly is belittling to,reduce financial security,food in fridge,settled accommodation to stuff
In my experience calling it stuff Is the luxury of those who take that stuff for granted
And plenty on mn are happy when their man provides stuff,that don’t shrug and say such consumer durables and stuff are of nothing to me. The same stuff sneerers do so Called enriching stuff like music,tutors,dance,sport,kumon
They benefit from stuff like house in good catchment area. A car.Foreign holidays
So I never hear men asked why they work for stuffas if it’s a vacuous empty pursuit
Never see men quizzed about sport day participation,or attendance at school gate
Only women get their life choice reduced to the trivial and avaricious pursuit of stuff

Next time your dp salary appears, tell him you eschew such stuff...

LipstickHandbagCoffee is that directed to anyone in particular?

You can’t regularly WFH with small children. You can for emergencies like snow days though

From what I've seen MN is VERY anti-SAHMs!! I've lost count of the number of times I've seen comments advising women to go back to work FT and don't rely on your partner or trust him not to leave you! This doesn't match up with my RL experience but each to their own

Ha - as if a two year old cares about stuff to that extent! But a two year old does care about being entertained and stimulated. Not saying they don’t get that with some SAHP. But Mum DS (age two) is home with me on my own one day a week, both DH and myself on the weekend, nursery one day, with my Mum two days and MIL one day. He adores both his grandmothers, enjoys nursery and I’m sure the day he spends with me is the least fun as I’m not a novelty!

Really?mn sahm usually will regale with attachment disorder studies,anecdotes of how working is so bad.

Meant to say my DS not Mum DS

They couldn’t cope with looking after their children all day so that task had to be passed on to lower beings whose feeble brains can cope with such unimportant work.

Do you think this applies to your DH? And if not why would you think it applies to me!?

I know many women who are SAHMs for the simple fact that it is the best way of securing their children's education and financial stability.

You might be capable of earning an above average salary, say £50k. That will never get several kids through independent school or a house in the right catchment area (not in London at least). If you have a DH who frequently makes ten times that in a single day, then what do you do? What course of action will secure your children's financial future best? You working, or you supporting your DH to make life-changing amounts of money because he happens to be in an industry with that kind of potential?

My DH has paid for 4 lots of school fees yes, but I tutored the kids to get into the schools. He pays for their clubs etc, but I facilitate them getting there. It's not about "me" - I'm not even in that mindset. "We" are all significantly better off financially than if I was working. My children have a different future because if the way DH and I have organised our lives. This is the reality for many families I know.

The concept of a parent being able to stay at home purely to care for their young children is a very modern one. In the past, the wealthy paid other people to look after the children and just saw them for a short time each day. The poor either had to give them to a grandparent or older sibling to look after or they sat in a corner while the parent worked from home (weaving/taking in washing etc). The vast majority of parents never spent their days catering to their children's every physical and emotional need.

My BF husband earns well in excess of half a million a year. She’s a nurse, and returned to nursing after each of her maternity leaves. She wants choice and it’s a vocation. Their children are too young to know whether they need tutoring into their schools, to be fair

Stretchoutandwait- from my point of view it’s the angry working mums that are spoiling the thread.

No, not all, I love my job. I work 9-3, kids are in school so not missing anything. Just had 2 days at home due to snow and had serious cabin fever. I once had 3 months at home between jobs and became quite depressed, I need to keep my brain engaged. I genuinely think I'm a better mum for spending time apart from my DC, am a LP though so work is a break of sorts, i used to sprint out the door during the toddler years .

Wow. The way this convo has moved on feels like you are mostly in a completely different league to me anyway. Private school, tutoring, paying university fees - never part of my plan for DC. Don't aspire to it for them. Foreign holidays? Might be nice but not as nice as impromptu 'holidays' in the garden or to the beach, i reckon. Hobbies? Didn't even really cross my mind, they can read books like i did.
I suppose what I'm saying is, the ' better life' some say they are buying their kids, i don't even see as a better life. Which is just further proof (if we needed it) that we are all different!

1ndig0...It is about individual circumstance I think, my dh earns 5 times what I could earn full-time...yes, he earns the money but like you say, I facilitate the children getting to various activities etc and yes, I did tutor my eldest dd myself around the time of the 11+. I organise all the admin related to school trips etc. School runs (pre- heavily pregnant - dh has stepped in) to enable dh to get to work on time, here if the children are sick (no extended family), I am able to attend every school assembly etc...the stress on our family as a whole has been alleviated by me being able to step back, at least for the time being. But most importantly dh values the role I play as a sahm and appreciates that I have a need for some 'me' time and so on. He has been superb in taking over many of my roles recently as I have had struggled in late pregnancy and it has had a knock on effect somewhat to his work. But I think we both appreciate what each other brings to the table, we work as a team because we have to so that within current confines we have the best possible life we can have at this time for us and our family...it also doesn't mean that things can't change in the future but again this relates to our own personal circumstances as they stand currently...for others it will be different...and not right or wrong.

Are Men who return to work ft are they outsourcing their responsibilities?
Or does that statement only apply to women?

Ok let’s turn things around. If I started a post for the sole purpose of telling you all about my exciting day at work, how I’ve used my intellect, made a valuable contribution to society, enjoyed the social side with my colleagues and earned good money... followed by “Any SAHM regret their choice..?” .... that wouldn’t be seen as goady?!

Look at how these threads start.