to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

Bluntness - it's not about "dressing up" anything.

If you need to work, you do.

If you don't need to work, it opens up the choice to shift focus onto your family. Some will take that option, some won't.

If you don't need to work, but you prefer to, then that's fine.

Few people do a job to be a "role model" really. They do what is the best fit for their personality and circumstances. The whole thing about "role modelling" is utter nonsense. Would you or your DH continue work if you came into multi-millions tomorrow? You might decide to find a different way if becoming a "role model."

*the rise in tutoring in even primary aged kids is likely to be linked to the fact parents are no longer setting their children up as well before school as they did and, unsurprisingly, nurseries/pre schools cannot match what parents could do one to one

I don’t think this is true- if anything educationally children benefit far more from being in an educational environment being prepared for school 8 hours a day than they do being at home with a parent. I don’t see how your average parent would be anywhere near as good at preparing their child for school?

A lot of primary school teachers have told me you can see a marked difference in the abilities of children who’ve been in childcare vs those that stayed at home*

I have friends that say the same, the children who have been in nursery or childcare are more independent and further ahead as they have had access to the early years curriculum before starting school.

They also say that the children with an unemployed parent at home are the ones least likely to have done homework or reading so it doesn't follow at all that having a parent at home means the child is getting an education there. They are the children who have to have extra at school.

I think the phrase role model is being taken to be far more glamourous than people mean.
I genuinely don’t know what I’d do if I became a multi millionaire overnight- I accept a full time job as part of life. I honestly don’t know what I’d do and suspect I’d carry on working whilst I decided.

I know many people who don’t accept a job as part of life and the negative side is constant angst about whether they’re happy, fulfilling their potential, erratically jumping around jobs etc... and ultimately unhappiness and worry (and I’m talking before children when people generally have to work to be part of decent society)

I see good role modelling as saying- expect to Work. Do your best, and work hard but don’t tie yourself up in knots about it.

You can be as happy accepting your boring role as a project manager for DHL for all its brilliant opportunities, if you just calm down and accept them rather than beating yourself up because you’re not head of the BBC.

Nothing to do with pretending we’re all performing operations on the blind for medicines sans frontiers.

I didn’t take that post to mean everyone who doesn’t work is dressing it up as something else.

I couldn’t give a shiny shit what anyone else does, but I read farfouti’s post as being about that minority who aren’t honest with them self about their motive.

If a woman said to me, ‘My kids are in school, i don’t need to work, my dh earns enough and I just like being able to Potter about’ then at least she’s being honest about the fact that she’s the beneficiary of the arrangement. I might not choose her lifestyle myself, but at least she’s not dressing it up as something else.

Very different to a woman in the same circumstances who wants everyone to believe she’s making some huge sacrifice in order to pick her kids up every day at 3.30, or because her husband couldn’t possibly do his job without a woman at home all day.

Yes exactly Sprinkles. But you can be happy accepting that because of your families financial circumstances, you are going to focus on your children. No need to beat yourself up because your not working for medicins sans frontiers there either. We make choices we can afford to make. Nobody sets out to make their lives harder, just to prove a point.

@Warrick1 your DH's questions hit home for me.

I had a choice. DH is a high earner and we had enough for luxuries. My whole wage goes on childcare right now.

But I absolutely hated being at home with a toddler and went to find a new job when he turned two. Did I cry when I dropped him at nursery for the first time? Absolutely not. My heart soared. My second mat leave was all the sweeter for being time limited. I didn't cry when I left my job either, but with the skills and experience my part time desk job gave me I managed to get a truly great role I could never have reached for and I love it. I officially work four days a week, but I enjoy dropping my son at school, fetching my 2yo a snack and doing a quiet couple of hours work in the morning of my non-working day while DD plays "feeding Baby" at her toy kitchen. Work fulfils me in a way dragging toddlers to play groups did not. My son was the hyper child at toddler groups who was constantly getting up from circle time and running around the hall and finding e.g. fire extinguishers to try and pull off the walls.

However we moved recently for good schools and the other mums make friends at the school gates. I'm only there for one pickup on a Friday and DS is always first out, so I don't get a chance to chat or make friends, which is a shame. DS doesn't go to after school clubs because his childminder has to coordinate pickups at 2-3 schools at that time.

In that sense I wish I could be both worker and SAHM at the same time. If I could have stuck out the toddler years I'd have found the school years easier to manage. But I suppose I've chosen and now I go to work and I'm lucky enough to love my job.

The preschool nursery point is heavily skewed depending upon the previous education of the parent and the age of the child you are talking about. At present most degree educated high earners are going back to work (as they can earn more so its worth it) and it is these my point is aimed at. As I said, this is about those who have a genuine choice about whether/how much to go back. Typically, women return after 9 months. It is this stage - from 1 to 3 yrs that is key. From 3 onwards a gradual introduction of pre school/nursery is great.

I have the financial choice not to work too. Nearly every mother I know works out of choice.

We’re lucky- it’s not the 50s anymore. We can get well paid jobs that bring us choice. It’s getting outdated to claim women lucky enough to chose usually chose to stay at home. I know that’s not what you’re saying, but the undertones saying so are always there in many posts

@Absofrigginlootly

Interesting that you mention Finland where, like much of the Scandinavian countries so admired on MN, people don’t stay at home to look after their children. Everyone works (it is of course, better supported than here financially. But that parent still isn’t there)

No. Love being an independent earner. My DDs were well cared for by nursery /after school care I trust. Importantly they learnt that mum can love them, take care of them and have a career. That nothing is beyond their reach if they try. Is it easy? Hell no. Would I change it? Nope. When my wages go in the bank I feel good that I earned them, every single month.
This only works as DH and I share every task. He also wants a career (rightly so) and we help each other to achieve it.
Oh and having a cleaner, couldn't do without her

No regrets. And a bloody good job I did being as DH had an accident at work rendering him unable to work.

It's all very well staying at home while one partner works but what about when my scenario happens? Thankfully, me working also kept my skills up to date and allows me to earn a wage that covers the bills.

And the amount of time you read on here that the relationship has broken down leaving the SAHP floundering because-

I don't have an income
I haven't worked for xyz years
I won't cope financially on my own
I have no savings
I have no idea of our financial situation

...is staggering.

All for choice etc and each to their own/what works for them but I do think it's foolish to leave oneself vulnerable and at a disadvantage if things go pear shaped.

I could’ve written your post dragon. The best thing for me about maintaining a career is 50:50 childcare. My children go to either of us when they’re sick or they fall over. We both dress them, cook their food, and help them practise their numbers. We both snuggle and watch frozen over and over I love it.

I work and don't regret it. Hours suit our family life and I couldn't be a sahm it wouldn't work for me and I admire those who choose it.

I still had a lovely snow day with my children as work was shut. It was even more of a novelty and great fun so don't understand the original post as this is the case for most parents I know. Mum's and dad's I know are both at home as roads not useable. Neighbours out digging the street, kids and dogs all playing together. Bliss.

Day 3 of snow, still not able to get the car out. Limited deliveries to supermarket and can only buy what dh can carry home. And starting to notice the handful of fit able neighbours who havent lifted a shovel! Bored of the hassle now. Praying for rain!

I also admire those who don't have a choice to stay at home or work and get on with doing a great job anyway.

I’m in the position I suppose a lot of men are in. I can’t give up work a without the household going under. DH earned about 5-10k a year before we had DS so it had to be me that went back.

I guess in a fantasy ideal we’d have enough money so neither of us needed to earn. I’d do a degree in Japanese and DH would continue as he is (artist). I don’t live in a fantasy though - most people need to work!

I think I am a better parent for working..I work 4days per week & I genuinely look forward to spending some time with my DD on my day off. Similarly when we have a week off work we always have activities etc planned to look forward to,essentially going to work means the time we do spend together is quality time rather than an everyday thing. I don't mean I'm a better parent than others btw what I mean is I am a better mum working than I would be if I was at home all day. The only thing I do find difficult is when I can't attend sports days/assemblies at nursery. We all just do the best we can!

I would have gone crackers as a SAHP. Even though my career had had its ups and downs I could not be without it. I work 4 days per week term time only realise how fortunate I am to do interesting work that’s reasonably well paid whilst having school holidays off. However I have worked hard to have the job I do and have had to take additional qualifications and training which wasn’t easy when DC were little. However they both flourished at nursery and even now as teens talk fondly about their days there! I work in the public sector and won’t ever get rich from my career but I will have a pension and I am so glad about that. DH works and will have a pension but I would feel very apprehensive about the future without my own financial provision. My DC have a role model of a mum who is financially independent, and they are bloody glad of that as I am the soft touch when they come asking for spends!

Cowardly- what’s also interesting (as a public sector worker too) is that my pension was the last thing on my mind when I was juggling work and three young dcs and all my salary went on childcare. In fact if It had crossed my mind, it would only have been in the context of being slightly irritated that a big chunk of my gross pay was going into it!

But am I glad of it now! Just goes to show how circumstances change outside our control... I would be bloody miserable at the prospect of being dependent on the state pension (and the thought of working til 67 for it) or the thought of being wholly reliant on the spouse’s pension from dh if he pre deceases me. These things seem a million years away when you’re in your thirties having babies, but it all comes round remarkably fast

I'm still on mat leave till June then going back to work full-time. I don't have a choice because I'm the main (only) earner in our house while my dh is a ft pg student.
As much as I'm loving mat leave I know I wouldn't want to be a sahm. I love my job, I've finally found a job that could become a career and I don't want to lose that. But I've always known I wouldn't be a sahm.

I will still be able to spend lots of time with ds as he grows up and enjoy the things you've talked about, I just have to provide financially too.

I'm not criticising sahms, or saying that everyone should go back to work. Everyone has different things going on in their lives, wants different things from life, but we all love our children just as much and want to do what we think is best for them.

I hate being at home with mine. I’d go to work full time if it were not for the sheer cost of having two in full time nursery and too young for funded hours.

Nah, I worked part time until my youngest started school but was glad to get back into working life after that, I like to be financially independent plus we have a great lifestyle with us both working

Yes, pension is another vital consideration!

People do what is right for them but I do hope that the people who say they would go mad having to spend all day with their children don’t repeat it to them and appreciate the people who work and do manage spend all day with their children, usually without going mad —and may even find it more stimulating for their brain than your office job—
As the parent of a child with sn I certainly wasn’t short of stimulating conversation with medical specialists (I would much rather that wasn’t the case) but even as the parent of his nt sibling before he was born I got plenty of adult interaction. Do people think sahms stay in on their own all day?

1ndig0
Excellent post (p10)

Porkflute- Are you sure it isn’t just a thoughtless turn of phrase though - “oh god I’d go mad being at home all day”? Akin to saying thoughtlessly “oh god, an office job just be so dull” ...

Tbh I’ve never found spending time with my children boring. I do think some of the tasks involved in caring for a small child can be dull and routine... I can’t say changing endless nappies ever floated my boat, nor did toddler groups. And inevitably if you’re at home, you end up doing more of the routines like sticking the washing on and tidying round- simply because You’re there to do it. But in terms of actually spending time with my children- no, that was great. Gets even better as they get older imo too.

I think some people find it difficult to get round the fact that WOHP can love their children just as much and enjoy their company- it’s just we enjoy working too. Men never seem to have to explain that!