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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very worried about child - got off Surbiton train yesterday!

109 replies

worryingminnie · 01/03/2018 14:09

Hi all,

I'm so so upset about a scene I saw on the train last night. Mum and (I think DS got on train for two stops. Obviously freezing cold and it was 6pm ish. DS approx 4 yrs old. He was dressed up well (hat, scarf, wellies, hood) and she was well dressed too (SuperDry jacket etc). Crammed train and son holding on whilst standing. She was SO AWFUL to him - kept goading him and telling him off - saying random things about cancelling Easter, making him walk home etc. He clearly wanted to sleep and yet she kept on and every so often he's start crying again - he really didn't want to speak. All of the adults were horrified and one older Man was muttering "leave the kid alone". I was about to stand up and offer him my seat and try to engage her in conversation but they got off at Surbiton and suddenly she started screaming again at him - it was all you could hear. But the train pulled away.

I texted British Transport Police (no idea why really) and said, when where in the hope they might be at the station or look on CCTV (but sure they won't) and used the City of London 'worried about a child' email address but got reply to say they would need address etc. - of course!

The Mum talked about a sister. At one point he started bashing his head on a pilar and she did put her hand their to stop him but she was awful to him.

I can't stop thinking about his poor little face. Keep getting tearful.

WHAT CAN I DO????? Am I over-reacting??? Could have been the end of a bad day for her but she certainly didn't have the sense to shut up in front on the train adults.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2018 14:11

Oh that's aeful

tinkywinky2018 · 01/03/2018 14:12

You can't do anything.

selftitledalbum · 01/03/2018 14:12

If you were so concerned why didn’t you intervene?

Soubriquet · 01/03/2018 14:12

Oh the poor boy...unfortunately, without an ID or an address I don't think there is much you can do.

Even a SS referral is going to want a name and address not being told "to watch the cvtv"

Hopefully someone else has a better idea,'or better yet, someone who knows them reports

Mishappening · 01/03/2018 14:15

I've been in a similar situation on a country bus - mum did not let up till she achieved her aim of making the child cry. Very sad - both for mother and child. I felt awful for not intervening, but I was afraid I might make it worse for the child as mum would deflect her anger about my intervention onto the child.

FooFighter99 · 01/03/2018 14:15

I have no idea what the right answer is in this type of situation.

I'd like to think I would have challenged her about her behaviour while she was on the train but you just don't know how you're going to react do you Sad

It makes you wonder, if she's like that in public on a packed train, what is she like behind closed doors?? Could it be worth logging it with 101 and seeing if they could review the station CCTV?

There is no excuse for treating a child the way she appears to have been treating hers. Its just a shame that no one pulled her up on it while they had the chance

mamamalt · 01/03/2018 14:16

This makes my heart hurt. Very difficult situation for you. What would have happened if you had intervened?! It's not like you could have taken him home!
I work with children who have severe behaviour problems mainly due to the way they have been treated by the adults in their lives. So very sad.
Maybe ring child line for some advice?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/03/2018 14:19

Horrible situation OP. Poor lad. I don't think there's anything you can do now tbh. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it would probably been better to intervene although you'd have probably been given an earful.

Original poster
worryingminnie · 01/03/2018 14:20

@selftitled

She got on - she started ranting - I thought she'd stop (we all did) i.e. we all rant a bit at times.

Stop 2 she started again and as I said train was packed so I was getting up when I feasibly could but they got off train at Surbiton.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 01/03/2018 14:20

OP you can contact NSPCC and talk it through with them. www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/signs-symptoms-effects/what-if-suspect-abuse/

There might not be anything you can do in this instance but you might get some reassurance about what to do should you ever witness anything like this again.

SimplyJaded · 01/03/2018 14:21

Zero point in doing nothing at the time then hand wringing afterwards. You can do nothing now.

selftitledalbum · 01/03/2018 14:23

How long did you sit watching and listening for?
You didn’t act and therefore have no right to sit ‘getting tearful’

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 01/03/2018 14:24

You can’t do anything. What would be the point in talking to the NSPCC? She could be anyone

tinkywinky2018 · 01/03/2018 14:24

Could it be worth logging it with 101 and seeing if they could review the station CCTV?

How would that help?

WowIFreelStrange · 01/03/2018 14:26

There's been times I've heard parents shouting at there young kids and I've looked over and they've stopped..

But on this instance I would of said something. That's just me though.
I also would of stood up and offered that poor boy a seat. And if she carried on shouting, screaming. I would of recorded it. If she did anything to you or the child. You have proof. Poor poor little boy :(
Parents like this ought to be shot. Taunting children until the cry. It's sickening.

If the mother is reading this you should be ashamed of yourself leaving a little boy to stand up freezing and tired/falling alseeowhile you sit down. Disgusting woman!

But I don't think there's anything you can do now except act quicker in future.

Well done for trying though!

Original poster
worryingminnie · 01/03/2018 14:27

Two stops - Probably only 8-10 mins but you're right I should have wrestled my way to confront her after the first 5 mins. I'm totally hacked off with myself.

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 01/03/2018 14:28

self titled. OP said a few times two stops and she was going to

Marriageoftrueminds · 01/03/2018 14:28

You could phone the local schools and give a description of the mother and child. If he attends they will likely recognise the description and could tell SS.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/03/2018 14:29

Because @Sprinklesinmyelbow it will help the OP know what to do should she ever see abuse again.

RadioGaGoo · 01/03/2018 14:29

..... intervene between the second stop.

SeaWitchly · 01/03/2018 14:31

Awful comments from simply and self titled
Both of you should just bugger off if you can't say anything useful Angry

OP, there may not be anything you can do at this time but otherwise I would second Shawshank's advice and contact NSPCC. They may be able to talk you through what you could do if you see this again, either from this mother and child or others.

I imagine it was very hard to watch and I can empathise with the sense of not knowing what to do for the best as you don't want to make the situation worse for the child Flowers

EastDulwichWife · 01/03/2018 14:31

Really sad OP. I had a similar experience on a London train recently. Called Childline and the Met and both said they couldn't do anything unless I wanted to contact the train company directly and request the CCTV, then forward it to social services.

Needless to say, one can't just obtain CCTV. Really upsetting.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 14:31

Could it be worth logging it with 101 and seeing if they could review the station CCTV?

Who is "they"? And you are aware that there isn't some kind of 'big book of crime'?

It's an incredibly sad situation but there is nothing you can really do unfortunately.

OutComeTheWolves · 01/03/2018 14:32

To the posters suggesting op should've intervened at the time, no she should not have.

It's extremely likely that the mum would've taken her anger at being pulled up on her behaviour back out on the child once they got home. It makes us all feel better to think well if I was in the op's position, I would've done X,Y and Z but the truth is it would probably make things much worse for the child in the long run.

Does anyone really think if they apprehended the mum, she'd think 'oh yeah you have a point. I'm not being nice to my kid but I will from now on!'

Its horrible to be powerless in a situation so I completely understand your feelings op.

SnibbleAgain · 01/03/2018 14:33

Bystander thingy is a thing, people often don't intervene in all sorts of things all the time. I don't think it's useful to say why didn't you do something if you weren't there, lots of people were there not just OP, and it sounds like lots were ???? and yet no-one did anything.

tinkywinky I guess if they can id the parent somehow then they can send SS round? Is a guess. Not sure how they would know who she was though.

I've had stuff like this a couple of times but not so bad and I look back and think what should I have done, anything, or not? What would the outcome have been? Maybe no better, it's such a difficult topic. When it's not super-obvious like man runs up knocks man over steals his bag - that's the sort of thing where people can react more instinctively I think.

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