Very worried about child - got off Surbiton train yesterday!

[worryingminnie]

Hi all,

I'm so so upset about a scene I saw on the train last night. Mum and (I think DS got on train for two stops. Obviously freezing cold and it was 6pm ish. DS approx 4 yrs old. He was dressed up well (hat, scarf, wellies, hood) and she was well dressed too (SuperDry jacket etc). Crammed train and son holding on whilst standing. She was SO AWFUL to him - kept goading him and telling him off - saying random things about cancelling Easter, making him walk home etc. He clearly wanted to sleep and yet she kept on and every so often he's start crying again - he really didn't want to speak. All of the adults were horrified and one older Man was muttering "leave the kid alone". I was about to stand up and offer him my seat and try to engage her in conversation but they got off at Surbiton and suddenly she started screaming again at him - it was all you could hear. But the train pulled away.

I texted British Transport Police (no idea why really) and said, when where in the hope they might be at the station or look on CCTV (but sure they won't) and used the City of London 'worried about a child' email address but got reply to say they would need address etc. - of course!

The Mum talked about a sister. At one point he started bashing his head on a pilar and she did put her hand their to stop him but she was awful to him.

I can't stop thinking about his poor little face. Keep getting tearful.

WHAT CAN I DO????? Am I over-reacting??? Could have been the end of a bad day for her but she certainly didn't have the sense to shut up in front on the train adults.

Thanks user1474652148. I'm so sorry you were in this situation.

You too MsGameandWatching. So so awful.

I lost it with my DS once in the street on way to theatre! Obviously didn't hit him, but if you'd been looking on you'd have thought I was a horrible Mum. I'm sure we all have our moments. Thing that stood out on this was the mental needling she was doing - she was gunning for a fight - most Mums of small children try to calm their children. Not her.

If you are on Mumsnet (you wear a Cream/Grey Superdry jacket) and live near Surbiton and your little boy wears blue wellies with jaws like teeth at toes, and a red jacket with a hood - YOU NEED TO GET HELP! YOU ARE ANGRY! YOU NEED COACHING! If you know this lady then please keep an eye out for her children - that's all I can say now.

How do people not realise that safeguarding children/adults is everyone's responsibility? How many dead children do we need to read about in the news, who have been abused by their parents, before we start giving a toss about one another?

Tinky I would have thought that a child bashing his head against a pillar might get the attention of the station employees, and 101 will have staff trained to deal with situations like this and therefore might be able to review the CCTV and see if they can use it to follow her from the station to her address (might seem far fetched but they do it on bloody crimewatch!)

I hate this attitude of "not my problem, nothing to do with me" - this is why this country is going to shit, cos no-one gives a flying fuck about anyone but themselves!

tinkywinky, I’m sure you can appreciate that the OP would be able to give much more information than what you suggest above, as she heard the parent and child and watched them for some time, and schools know their kids and families well
No, she wouldn't be able to describe a small child in enough detail so that he would be uniquely indistinguishable from the other hundreds in each school.

Agree with others about intervening not always being the best thing. The times anyone intervened with me (or I spoke up) I was 'shaming the family' and sadly suffered all the more for it.

Its awful to think there's nothing you can do but sometimes there really isn't. I hope it's either been a (hugely inappropriate) one off or the child is already on the radar somewhere.

When I was a young adult and particularly when I had my first child I felt a lot of bitterness that nobody saw me and my situation and nobody did anything to stop it. In actual fact it's a lot more difficult than that and I see that now. Sad but true

You can't do anything so you may as well get over it

Also would just like to say how a child is dressed/basic needs etc isn't necessarily an indicator of abuse or lack of. My mum had us in top notch designer clothes all of the time because she 'didn't want us going out the house scruffy' She still beat us daily.

IamLucy you've made me think if someone I used to know at her school. She was one of three sisters, her mum had passed away, her dad had a new girlfriend, they lived in a smart house and were doing well at school, but he used to beat them with a belt. When I think back on it everyone knew about it too. It was the 80's maybe things were different. No one got 'involved' despite everyone knowing.

(sorry typos)

I’m wondering if she was actually a childminder or nanny. She sounds as if she may have been, by her use of “why can’t you be good like my other children” or whatever it was she said.

Surely if you were the mother, you’d say “why can’t you be like your brother/sister”? I mean, hopefully, you wouldn’t say anything of the sort but you know what I mean.

And asking if he misses his sister, rather than naming her? It just all feels a little detached/removed.

I’m hoping he maybe goes home to loving caring parents. Who will soon realise he seems miserable and change their childcare provisions. Though maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

What station did they get on at OP? Is there any clue to the boy's school? Colour of book bag etc? Some of us local to Surbiton might be able to narrow it down to the school.

I saw terrible verbal abuse on a trip out when I was on holiday in another country, we were sitting next to them on a ferry I couldn't put up with it anymore the child was maybe 4 the mother kept ranting on and on to the child horrible stuff like this is why you cannot be out with other people, why didn't I leave you behind, you are useless etc etc the little girl looked so sad and folorn so I Just gave it to her, she did shout back at me telling me to mind my own business if she wanted to shout at her daughter she would, don't tell me what to do etc etc other tourists looked shocked and looked on but I really hoped I hadn't made it worse she was one scary woman, there was another woman with them who looked really embarrassed at her friends behaviour but said nothing, it probably made not one ounce of difference but I found it really hard to tolerate listening to her. I would phone social services get them to phone round the schools in the area, especially as he sounds so distressed you can probably give them a good description .

You couldn't have safely done anything else do please be kind to yourself. I know this sounds strange but she could be trying to get attention precisely by not shutting up. There's possibly something very bad going on and she is out of her mind. I've almost been at that point myself. You can beg SS for help and not get anything. Hopefully she'll act out elsewhere, where she is known, and might get some help. You now have to let go.

If the train was packed someone may have recorded her.

Think they got on at Earlsfield or Wimbledon and definitely got off at Surbiton. Couldn't tell if the child (which could even have been a girl as they didn't speak and were all dressed up) was wearing school uniform but in trousers. It was 6.30ish so didn't seem like a school run.
The lady may have been carrying a school bag but train was packed. One of her insults were you're behaving like a 4 year old I think - he hadn't spoken. I think that's what she said but he was small. Again, he was wearing a red parka with a wooden hat underneath. Odd gloves i.e. not a matching pair. The Mum was medium height, medium build, dark hair, olive skin but with freckles I think. She had her back to me.

taratill DD used to get completely out of control when she was overtired, she wouldn't be upset, she'd be grinning. Most times I'd start screaming at the sheer physical pain of trying to hold her down, and out of frustration. If I did that, people would assume I was hitting her and hurl abuse at me. The one time I managed to keep my cool during a 2-hour bus journey, still holding her down with all my strength, all I got were sympathetic looks. So, bottle up your feelings, or people will think you're beating your child.

What he needed was a hug and some peace.

The ladies (although no lady!) jacket was fabric like this but more cream colour I feel - and no pink or black I could see on it. Definitely had Superdry written on back. Giving detail just in case anyone knows her.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjW17-PucvZAhUpAcAKHVvECcoQjRx6BAgAEAY&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.skiwebshop.com%2Fsuperdry-snow-puffer-ski-jacket-women-light-grey-grit-fluro-coral&psig=AOvVaw0f_9LYEUhvHnib_gIkoBVF&ust=1520004708017577

Sorry, you can not do anything. Interesting situations really.

By the way if it is someone on here and you were just having a shocking day then please just let me know you care and he/she is safe.

10 years on and I still feel so guilty for not doing something when I saw a Dad screaming and shaking his boy in a shopping mall. Everyone froze and stared when he began shaking his neck.... I researched after and realised I could have called 101. I still worry about why he put up with at home

Are you sure she was his mum? She could have been his evil childminder/nanny or some other relative?
I just can't wrap my head around a mother abusing her child like this in front of so many people, but I'm sure it happens sadly.

OP, I wouldn’t have known what to have done either. Having read that guardian article I’d try and follow the advice in there in future.

Hang on we're now witch hunting?!

Yes thanks Shawshanks - article very helpful

George49 - yes exactly that

Then I'm going to report your thread as it is unacceptable