to feel we've let our summer born daughter down?

[HappinessIsASnowBoot]

My daughter was born in late June and is due to start school in September when she'll be 4. I was already a bit wobbly about it , and wishing we'd applied to defer her a year, but am now really stressing after a nursery parent's evening.

Apparently my daughter only plays with other children if directed into a group activity by an adult (otherwise preferring to play with certain adults or alone), gets cross and upset if children behave in ways she doesn't expect, and is generally just quite young in her behaviour compared to other children in the same 'school year'. She's apparently 'emerging' in social and emotional development for her age, but as expected otherwise.

I asked about school transition and was told that they 'have a lot of hope' that she will make enough progress in the next 6 months to be ok. Which is not terribly optimistic.

From what I've read it's now too late to try to defer, and my LEA doesn't seem terribly keen on deferrals for summer borns anyway.

Can anyone reassure with me with tales of summer born children who were ok?

And has anyone got any tips on how to stop beating myself up over the fact the we didn't try to get a deferral? I just feel like even if she is ok, we've let her down by not trying.

I used to worry about everything when they were young. If I could repeat my time I'd chill a bit more. They'll turn out more or less the same whatever, or in spite of, what you do.

Hand-holding OP. I'm in exactly the same boat... same exact age, same exact feedback. This is my third DC and all three of mine have been slower to start/emerge/evolve/mature.

I was so worried with DC1 in nursery. He was so woefully behind. He made a huge leap over the summer hols and hit the ground running in reception and just never looked back (after an incredibly tricky start in nursery).

DC2 was a different story and just didn't settle until year 2. It all came together when she turned 7. She's a month shy of 8 and in year 3. I forget how hard it all was. It was pretty soul destroying. She wouldn't role play in nursery, wouldn't mix with the kids, found transitioning between tasks stressful. Fast forward a year on, when she was in reception and although she cried every single day going to school, once she was in, she was great, formed solid friendships, and couldn't be parted from the role play area. She was in costume every chance she got! It nearly drove me mad. It got better but she settled in year 2, as I mentioned. So it was a bit of a long haul.

DC3 I am more worried about... perhaps because he's my last or perhaps because he's my summer baby. I don't feel he's ready. But deferring means skipping all of reception and I think that would be more damaging. Reception is such a gentle start to school. It's kind of 'Nursery +', so I don't think we'll defer. He'd miss out on the friendship forming and the easing into big school that reception offers. And I have found with my other two that the structure of school was something they did well with. Nursery is less structured than reception- more free play (at least ours is) and I actually found that the more structured approach in reception worked for my older two kids.

I feel your plight.

I hope you're reassured OP.
My July born dd was very quiet and shy and really was still very attached to her key worker at nursery. She just did mornings for her first term in reception but she was absolutely fine even though she seemed quite immature socially.
She's in year 3 now and is popular and happy at school (and got top marks in her sats last year the geek).

We had this kind of feedback way back in the day when deferral wasn't an option. Ds struggled and was clearly out of his depth both socially, emotionally and academically, cried every day when he came home from school, he really wasn't ready.
Of course he's fine now and doing well academically - in tops sets for GCSE but that doesn't erase all the shit he went through because he was simply too young and too immature.

My July born DD was very similar. She’s now Year 7, sailed through 11+ tutor free and happily settled in GS and has a lovely circle of friends from both her old primary school and new School. Took a while through primary to build her friendship group, but she was friendly with everyone and didn’t go through the dramas that seemed to go alongside some of the other kids have intense ‘best friendships’

My August born children were fine. In fact they thrived.

I'm a june baby. Honestly we all evened out quite fast in my class as we hit 5 and went into year one. DM explained it as the oldest, early September baby in my year had seemed quite far ahead in terms of development and just doing everything longer at the start of reception. She got over taken academically pretty early on and her "months ahead" seemed so much less important after a year of us all learning the same. My summer born friends are pretty successful, including a july born junior dr and phd student. Please don't worry too much!

She’ll be fine. My August born son wasn’t very social, preferring to do his own thing and couldn’t even hold a pencil properly. He could sort of write his (short) first name by the time he started school. I was worried he could be autistic.

He’s 11 now. He’s consistently been a very high academic achiever throughout primary, has friends and is happy. His best mate in primary was also a high achieving summer born boy.

He’s not as physically developed as some but it doesn’t seem to be holding him back.

I was in the same position as you when my boy was 3 and getting ready for school. I was so worried and was convinced it was too early. I wish someone could have told me- it will all be fine. Reception is really not very different to nursery and there is a lot of play based learning. They aren’t going to be sat there for 6 hours staring at a whiteboard!

DS2, 8 is an August baby and a years age gap at reception was quite obvious but school will be used to this and provide support accordingly.

During KS1 he met all his milestones and when he went into KS 2, he just flew.

She will be fine - we all summer born in our family and we’re all academic high flyers 🙂

I always hear parents of summer-borns worrying that their August-born (for example) will be so much younger than ALL the others, so much less developed, socially less ready etc etc.

Remember: typically there will be children born in each month. It's ridiculous to only compare your child to a September-born when there will be March, April, May borns too. And every other month! It's not as though it's your summer born pitted against 29 children born on 1st September. They are a range of ages. The difference between the September and August children will be obvious to start with but between the Aprils and Augusts you'll hardly notice.

My son's current class has only 2 birthdays in the entire autumn term. They are all spring and summer children. Just random.

I think there's a lot of talk of deferring with no understanding of the fact that most schools will insist your child goes directly into Year 1. Parents assume they will get to start Reception at age 5 plus a couple of months. This is not good for your child either!

I have two August born DDs. The eldest is the youngest in her year group. She’s in high school and doing as well as her peers - top or 2nd set for all subjects.

Youngest DD isn’t quite where her peers are, other than reading, but I’m not at all worried. She’ll work it out at her own pace, and I’m confident that she’ll go into high school on a level peg.

I also think it's terribly boring for a 5 year old to still be at nursery. My September born child was bored to tears by the end of nursery and desperate to get going at big school. If you defer a June child, she would be 5+ and potentially still going to nursery with 3 year olds.

Older DD is a late July child. She didn't enjoy reception at all because she wanted to do the work year 1 & 2 did rather than play. She was in a mixed age class in a small school and the teacher indulged her. Fast forward 14 years and she is in her first year at Cambridge having racked up 12 top grade GCSEs and 6 A levels.

Trust the teacher, don't let your daughter see you are worried and enjoy this stage. It passes way too quickly!

Please try not to worry.

DD1 is an end of August baby, I was incredibly anxious about her starting school at just turned 4, but her reception teacher - and in my experience, most reception teachers - was amazing, and very used to settling children. DD had 100% settled in by the October half term and loved school. She’s now in year 8 and on track to take 2 of her GCSEs next year.

It’s a long time until September, you’ll find she will change a lot between now and then.

She’ll be fine. I had two summerborn children and with the first I worried like this. I got used to reminding teachers of her age as they often forget to adjust expectations (eg comparing siblings 22 months apart but one school year apart). The second was easier as I was used to it! In fact both did really well and were un-bored at school (unlike siblings) and ended up with oxbridge/1st class degrees respectively. Research shows there can be an initial disadvantage, but it disappears in the end.

Ds1 was four and three weeks and we know now has high functioning autism. He was having a sleep in the day. He was fine. He's 13 now and still okay at school. He'd never eaten lunch without an adult present until he started school.

Experienced EYFS teacher here. I've seen the majority of summer-born kids develop fine during Reception, so in year 1 you would be hard pushed to tell which were the summer-born. This is quite a surprising experience because research shows that the difference between summer borns and autumn borns in academia does not level out till they are 16! So to find that consistently you couldn't tell the difference between summer borns and autumn borns in year one is surprising - it's very much at odds with our experience too. Dh was a summer born Oxbridge graduate - socially he suffered, academically he eventually cracked it but he looked very ordinary till he hit 14/15 years old. He took a year out after school because he felt too young.
I thought the evidence showed that it never really levelled out in sports.

Children DO start school far too young here. The cut off should be 1st March. All of mine are summer birthdays and were not ready for school in the September after the turned 4. DS1 was most happy in his class of 15, but the other two were just out of their depth and I think it affected DS2 the most.
However, they are now all flying academically / but at what cost - why do you need to push small children to do things before they are ready?

However, they are now all flying academically / but at what cost That's my point, academically ds progressed, exceeded expectations, socially he drowned and it took years to recover - that is why I regret starting him so young, but I didn't have the luxury of choice.

Do you spend any time with friends who have DC of about the same age? Or go to activities etc? I’d want to see her interaction myself tbh. I would find it a bit concerning that she was always choosing to play alone and that she was getting cross and upset with children not doing things the way she expects. What is she like with ‘routine’ at home?

Girls with additional needs are often overlooked because they don’t act the same way boys with additional needs do. So I’d definitely be keeping an eye on that possibility too.

Or she might just find them intensely irritating & prefer her own company!

6 months is a long time in a 4 year olds life. She’ll change a lot in that time.

I think there are pros & cons with deferring a year and it’s very individual. I’d only consider it if we were in an area where they let them defer but still enter reception, I wouldn’t consider if she had to go straight in Year 1.

Personally I’d probably let her go this year, but have some duvet days if she needs them.

Children DO start school far too young here. The cut off should be 1st March

How would that work - doesn't it just push the problem onto a different group of children?

I was an early July baby. By year 4 the school was suggesting I move up a year as I was so far ahead of the rest of the class.

Please try not to worry. A lot can happen, development wise, in 6 months. My DD started school 3days after her 4th birthday and has been absolutely fine. Yes she’s struggled in some areas, but on the whole it’s been ok. If you have the chance, try and keep in touch as much as possible with her teachers and tthen teaching assistants when she starts. I have found that they will make time for you if you have concerns.
Good luck x

Dd1 is a summer baby and was very small and socially awkward at this stage. I remember feeling very nervous, especially when I compared her to Sept/Oct born kids who would be starting school with her. She was absolutely fine x