to feel we've let our summer born daughter down?

[HappinessIsASnowBoot]

My daughter was born in late June and is due to start school in September when she'll be 4. I was already a bit wobbly about it , and wishing we'd applied to defer her a year, but am now really stressing after a nursery parent's evening.

Apparently my daughter only plays with other children if directed into a group activity by an adult (otherwise preferring to play with certain adults or alone), gets cross and upset if children behave in ways she doesn't expect, and is generally just quite young in her behaviour compared to other children in the same 'school year'. She's apparently 'emerging' in social and emotional development for her age, but as expected otherwise.

I asked about school transition and was told that they 'have a lot of hope' that she will make enough progress in the next 6 months to be ok. Which is not terribly optimistic.

From what I've read it's now too late to try to defer, and my LEA doesn't seem terribly keen on deferrals for summer borns anyway.

Can anyone reassure with me with tales of summer born children who were ok?

And has anyone got any tips on how to stop beating myself up over the fact the we didn't try to get a deferral? I just feel like even if she is ok, we've let her down by not trying.

If it reassures you I have two late August DDs - my oldest is 29th Bday so started school 4 days after turning 4! She was v shy but had come up with a nice group of friends from pre-school and we felt it was important for her to stay with her cohort. She gained tremendously in confidence throughout her time at primary and is now in yr7 at huge local comp - in fact just this week we had a letter saying that she's been placed in their high-level ability programme. DD2 is also late August born and doing well in yr5. I think so much of what helps them learn and develop happens at home and for my girls keeping them with their group of friends was important. I think for them the academic side has been okay but sometimes they do feel a little behind the older ones emotionally but with understanding from teachers and us I think they can thrive. You know them best so follow your instinct - I know there is a lot of evidence around them not doing well these days but I don't think that they will automatically struggle just because they are young.

! All the summer born babies we know have been fine.

Maybe a bit of extra parental support had been needed, keeping in touch with the teacher to discuss issues etc.

They do like to worry you about these things though. My first parents evening for October born dd the teacher spent the whole time complaining that dd tried to hug her. Never thought to mention to me sooner but thought it was worth spending the whole parents evening on. I had to explain that as dd had always been allowed to hug the carers at nursery she was bound to view the teacher in the same way. She was fine once I'd explained things properly!

Two August born DCs now teenagers. One started school with brilliant feedback both socially and school work. My other add struggled for a few months then settled in. They are both now capable well rounded teens. I think it can be more personality rather than age

Move to Scotland? Cut off here is February.

(not particularly helpful I know)

I don’t think you should worry. Her social skills will improve more quickly at school than if you had deferred. Some of the other children will be a month or 2 months younger than her. Nursery to reception won’t be too much of a transition anyway as she is already used to nursery.

Thank you everybody. Your stories have definitely helped.

I've joined the summer borns Facebook group just to see whether we still do have any chance of starting her in Reception at age 5 (as we might have if we'd applied earlier), but if not I will try to relax and think positive.

She's a sparky little thing (and she is really little!) in many ways so she'll probably be fine once she finds her feet.

And those of you who have pointed out that this is more likely to be a problem if I keep stressing about it - you agree with my husband and I know you're right, so I'll do my best!

I have 2 summer born (both August) kids - 1 is in year 2 and is doing amazingly well - the other is at Nursery and is not particularly different to peers. I am also summer born - it didnt hinder me either. I think its personality and parental support that matters- all kids have things they are good at and things they struggle with - dont stress.

They do like to worry you about these things though.

Exactly. She is fine and doing fine. Some kids don’t want to play in certain ways and wanting to be with adults or play alone isn’t a big deal, this constant comparison of kids to some imaginary average “normal” kid is pointless. I can tell you in any given class of 12 year olds there will be one who doesn’t like to work in pairs and will only do so if directed. So what? We are all different individuals.

I think it's a comparatively recent thing worrying about summer children - back in the 60's you just went to the relevant year and the cut off date was something like 1 September. the only variation you used to get was I had a couple of friends in junior school who had September and November birthdays and were a year early i.e. were 4 when the rest of the year had turned 5. I kept in touch with the November birthday girl for years after and she got As in 3 maths subjects at A level, and a 1:1 degree in applied mathematics.

My DD is 10 and is in Year 6. She started at the "normal" time and is shy but all my children are. Socially she's always had the same kind of issues as her peers so nothing related to being the younger one. She's managed primary school really well considering. I am now wondering what secondary school will be like for her but despite my MIL's protestations of how difficult she would find school she has done really well. I think being in the school environment has helped really. Her August birthday is just a minor annoyance to her more than a detriment.

If she is sparky, maybe she is just confident and independent enough to do her own thing. She perhaps doesn’t need to follow the group or be with a friend to be happy. Some kids won’t do anything by themselves ever. Maybe it’s a positive trait. If she’s happy I’d leave her be.

My August born ds didn't seem ready for school. I stressed most of the way through primary and in year 5 it clicked.
In year 7 now and top set maths. Still doesn't desperately like reading but does ok in English. On upside he's learnt how to work and put effort in (which his sister learnt later) and I'm pretty sure he'll do ok.
Occasionally I think he has a bit of a maturity issue but on the other hand that could just be year 7 boys.

As long as you ensure she is ready:
can dress herself - get changed for PE, change her own shoes/wellies
use the toilets independently
have lunch independently
and has all the basics so she doesn't feel left behind, she might be absolutely fine.

So many kids seem to struggle with pre-school and be upset about going,but are blossoming in Reception! I don't know what the teachers are doing, but it's generally working. The crying and upset of many kids in nursery seem to completely disappear.

My DS was the oldest in his year, and best friends with the youngest in his year, so that is a WIDE gap. My DS went to college and went straight to work. Friend is at uni. Don't stress.

Just withdraw your application and say you are home educating. Reapply when she's ready. If you do it mid year you'll find waiting lists are short anyway.

In my friendship group of 6 in school, out of 6, 3 of us were summer born. We were by far the 3 most academically gifted. Now, 1 has a top job, I have an good job, the third works in a shop. We are all happy.

Just to reassure you, my DS is an end of August ‘baby’ and looked and seemed absolutely tiny when he started school just days after his 4th birthday. He’s now in year 6 and is pretty much ‘top’ of his year group, achieving levels way above the average for his age. He has plenty of friends and gets in well with all of his peers a whinall started at the same time (he’s still one of the smallest, though!). They all ‘even’ out in the end, and there always has to be a cut off.

DD is 4 in July and will be starting school in September. She does 4 full days at a nursery with excellent preschool facilities though. She didnt mix as much last year but in the last 6 months has come on leaps and bounds. If your DD is not doing full days then perhaps you need to increase them.

I think your DD will be fine.

I think it is more a personality thing than a readiness thing. Having taught older students, I'm very against holding children back willy nilly. It can create so, so many problems for some of the children down the line. The ones who have the same basic trait that they were held back for, but are now a year older to all their classmates and annoyed about it aren't well served.

Would it be possible to setup some playdates after school or on weekends with another child who might make a nice friend for her? She might find it easier one on one than in a group. You could ask her teacher for suggestions about another child to try to nurture a friendship with.

One of my DDs has a summer birthday and has always been one of the youngest in her class. She is now at Uni and doing really well. She would have been bored in a lower class.

My ds 1 had just turned 4 in August and then started primary school. I have no worries about it because he was already in nursery 3 days and all of his friends were going. Reception was absolutely fine and it wasn't until year 1 and 2 that we realized that he was behind the older children. He had an individual education plan and eventually caught up by around year 5. He is now 14 and doing fine in his first year of GCSE's. He was ready so much more than his brother who was an October birth!

DS1 was a late July baby. He started in January and was shy for a while, but he soon settled and has ended up very sociable and confident (much more than me, if I'm honest). He did great in his SATS and got into the secondary school he wanted. The only problem I've ever had with him being summer born is birthday parties being in the summer holidays.

I'm an end of August baby, only just made the cut off. I was the youngest all through out my school years. I coped fine. I got good grades and was in the highest sets in secondary, went to university and the fact that I was younger has never held me back. If you feel she's ready i wouldn't worry x

I have a friend who has two august born ds. The older one born at the end and the younger at the beginning. I taught both of them when they were 7 and both were totally fine at school. I think it all evens out by the time they've had a few years in school. I taught year 3 for many years and only one time would I have said that a child should have been deferred and he was born on the 31st of august at 11pm!!
For what it's worth, my friend's ds's are doing brilliantly still. The older one is at uni and the younger one is predicted very levels in his up and coming gcse exams. Your dd will be fine and these extra few months will help her develop even more as long as she's doing enough time at preschool to develop the social side of things.

My DS is May born and had a slight speech delay and went into Reception knowing nobody and having only done mornings at a sessional preschool. First half of reception was hell at home as he was so tired all the time, however at school he was fantastic and he ended the year with his speech assessed as ahead of expectations. He is now in Year 2 and still 'young' in his interests and play, but thats just him. He is also an older sibling, I think younger siblings tend to (not always) settle faster and be 'older' in attitude because they spend more time with an older sibling rather than a younger one.