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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try and stop DP getting a tattoo?

150 replies

LittleMe03 · 27/02/2018 10:15

DP has decided he wants a tattoo on his neck. He already has two full arms done and tattoos on both legs and one on his back. He has got all these tattoos done in the last 10 years that we have been together.

I am not a big fan of tattoos but always had the attitude that it was his body and his choice, and also they can be covered.

Last night he told me he wants one on his neck and when showing me the size and design he wants I was shocked, it covers almost one side of his neck. I told him I was really against it and begged him not to do it and he said i was BU for going back on what I've said previously about his body, his choice.

I like the fact that all his tattoos can be covered at the moment. The job he is in doesn't appear to have any sort of policy on tattoos but he is asked to wear long sleeve shirts to work.

AIBU, should I just leave him to do it or keep nagging?

OP posts:

7even · 28/02/2018 09:18

@lils888

I was born in '60 ie. the fucker likely to be in charge of you fuckers as my dreamt-of office door sign says

"Things aren't like they used to be"

So you say. I employ ~450 people and have personally interviewed and hired a little over 150 of them. Not a single one has a visible tattoo at work. One woman has 2 ear piercings on each ear and I let her know I didn't like it.

Like it or not, there are many companies, industries and positions where a visible tattoo will hold you back. Your p/t lecturing is likely to be in certain institutions, certain subjects and to certain demographics. A humanity at an ex-poly? Honestly, how many Oxbridge Dons have neck tattoos, would you guess?

The people I interview and employ are excellent. We have well over 300 applicants per position. When you have excellent candidates to choose from you can be picky. When hiring a Co Op cashier, you want someone who won't steal and can make eye-contact with a customer. A tattoo is immaterial.

FleurDeLizzie · 28/02/2018 09:44

A female cashier in my local co-op wears a little fingerless glove that covers a tattoo on the back of her hand. I thought it was a bandage at first. I don't know whether or not it's her own choice. I didn't like to ask.

lils888 · 28/02/2018 09:45

@7even to be fair my piercing is discreet and if I was told to remove it I have the option of wearing a clear stud. And it's criminal studies in a fairly decently ranked uni. And yes your lot will most likely be interviewing me for my next career move, I would wear a clear stud due to the nature of that work.

If I had a neck tat I would wear a polo neck until I sussed out the vibes of the new place or was in the possession of a good contract.

But gang banger? You'd see my sisters sweet little Disney face, he well spoken voice but with a neck tattoo and think gang banger? I'm looking forward to seeing her next, she'll be highly entertained

IllustriouslyIllogical · 28/02/2018 10:14

so when you see a person with a tattooed neck what sort of person do you assume them to be?

Someone without a lot of foresight, someone a bit immature & certainly someone I'd never be working with........

NotSoSprightly · 28/02/2018 10:42

Illus Why do you think that people with tattoos are lesser than you?

Do you feel the same way about people of a different race, or upbringing? Or people with less money than you? Or people who wear clothes you don't deem stylish?

Some of the views on here are utterly archaic and baffling.

IllustriouslyIllogical · 28/02/2018 10:53

Why do you think that people with tattoos are lesser than you?

I don't - the reason that I wouldn't be working with them is because my organisation wouldn't employ them - nothing to do with me.

My personal view is that they're naive if they don't think that obvious tattoos will affect their life in regards to employment and other ways moving forward.

I've got tattoos & piercings - nothing below the elbows or above the shoulders though - I show them when I want and it's easy to hide them if appropriate.

That was my view on them & it's served me very well so far....

Not liking facial tattoos isn't akin to racism BTW - HTH......

NotSoSprightly · 28/02/2018 11:05

Not liking facial tattoos isn't akin to racism BTW

No, but judging someone's character based on their appearance is.

HTH!

ohfortuna · 28/02/2018 11:21

Gang banger is surely an autocorrect fail ....the person meant to type gang member
Or does she think there is a correlation between neck tattoos and a predilection for group sex sessions?

NotACleverName · 28/02/2018 11:24

One woman has 2 ear piercings on each ear and I let her know I didn't like it.

Jesus Christ, really? It's not like she has a bloody swastika tattooed on her face.

NotSoSprightly · 28/02/2018 11:35

What a bizarre and backwards company you work for if making comments such as that is normal, and considered acceptable conduct. I'd be really shocked if I came across such an unprofessional interviewer in real life.

I'm glad I work for such a forward-thinking, non-discriminatory company after reading some of the replies on here.

I feel sorry for anyone who works in a place where they are judged by the way they look rather than the quality of work they do.

IllustriouslyIllogical · 28/02/2018 11:36

No, but judging someone's character based on their appearance is.

It really isn't though is it? Tattoos aren't one of the 9 protected characteristics.

If some eejit covers their face in swastikas, spider webs or swallows then I'm perfectly justified in judging them because they've chosen to do it to themselves.

Judging someone because of a birthmark, disability, sex, religion or race is totally different - because, on the whole, you don't get to choose those.

If you still can't understand that - this might assist - Protected Characteristics.

HTH

IllustriouslyIllogical · 28/02/2018 11:42

I feel sorry for anyone who works in a place where they are judged by the way they look rather than the quality of work they do.

Aren't you doing that too though - saying that you wouldn't want to work in a company that only had "squares" working there?

FindoGask · 28/02/2018 11:47

NotSoSprightly didn't say that, though - unless I missed something?

ohfortuna · 28/02/2018 12:13

Wtf!?
having two piercings in one ear marks you out as a deviant?
Are you in North Korea?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/02/2018 12:53

If not her own choice, possibly a slight own goal on the part of the coop... what is worse - a cashier with a hand tattoo or one who looks like an elite Yazuka member about to burst into bloodthirsty action

7even · 28/02/2018 13:26

@lills888

I gave a selection of things I think about neck tattoos. She might not look like a dodgy club bouncer either.

@ohfortuna

"gangbanger. noun. A member of a street gang; banger: He lives where the city's most violent gangs live, where gangbangers cover walls, houses, even trees with arcane graffiti"

I had no idea it also meant group sex.

"Deviant" is your word, not mine. I said I didn't like it.

@NotSoSprightly

The 'business' is over 300 years old and going strongly but I'll send you a private message if I think we need help. That okay?

I'm glad I am able to tell someone that they are a great member of staff (not interviewee) but their image isn't in line with what we like to project.

As I said, we have huge numbers of applicants for every position and can choose the absolute best. When you're picking between excellent candidates then a stupid tattoo in a stupid place is likely to sway it.

The quality of work and the way someone looks are entirely separate but the image of employees and quality of work are both factors in an employee's value.

Do you really think that you only judge someone on the quality of their work? How about a smelly cashier? A waiter loudly chewing chewing gum? A mortgage adviser with greasy dreadlocks?

Pretend to be blind to all of this but I don't believe you.

lils888 · 28/02/2018 13:32

@7even

Where I'm from gang banger means one who indulges, as part of a group, in a violent raping of someone.

Google gang bang meaning.

Glad I now know your meaning, changes things slightly

Karigan1 · 28/02/2018 13:35

Yanbu to try to stop as you have valid concerns however anything more than just saying about your concerns would be as it ishis body and his choice

ohfortuna · 28/02/2018 13:36

What really you've never heard the term gang bang?

7even · 28/02/2018 13:37

Ah. I'd only ever heard it in films. Films as in movies, not porn.

DarthArts · 28/02/2018 13:53

Ok I just don't buy into this "his body his choice" bullshit.

If you're married or in a long term relationship your OH should have a major input into decisions that have significant implications or permanence.

In the end yes, you're not going to be able to stop an adult doing what they want, but I'd question why you'd want to do something that the person you presumably respect and care for is manifestly opposed to.

I have to look at DH and if he was covered in tattoos - especially those that were visible in clothing - I wouldn't like it. Same if he had multiple piercings.

Yes I know some people like it, but I don't. DH does like tattoos but we came to an agreement about it years ago that we were both happy with.

Getting a visible tattoo has implications well above the "norm". Like it or not it does have social and career implications that will have an impact beyond just him.

NotSoSprightly · 28/02/2018 14:35

The 'business' is over 300 years old

As are its views

Original poster

LittleMe03 · 28/02/2018 15:03

I've no idea what's going on now I've just come back to the thread since last night

OP posts:

Albadross · 28/02/2018 15:24

Do employers genuinely think they're getting the best people if they're judging them based on something drawn on their skin or whether they make eye contact?

Appearance is totally subjective and tastes change radically across generations so you always see fashions and external stuff change meaning over time. The thing that doesn't change is the person, their skills, their capability to do something. Their personality - I.e. the one you married.

If he chose to become obese he'd be putting his health as risk but a tattoo isn't a health risk, it's just a bit of art! You can't lead your life making decisions on the basis of things that might happen or fictional jobs you might want.

I have hand tattoos and neck and a head tattoo and I work in an HQ of a global bank. The guy that interviewed me was blind so he only had my character and skills to go on. He got the best person for the job based on that, which is exactly as it should be. Life's too short to worry about others judging your appearance all the time. The comment about Oxbridge lecturers made me chuckle - there's a whole anthropology podcast about tattooing history that points out that in Chinese culture a facial tattoo is what makes the transition into womanhood. Symbolism changes over time, always will.

The cost to me would be the only thing that actually has a material effect in he here and now. People go skiing knowing they could break their back and never work again, we all do things we want to do for our own enjoyment of life knowing there are risks and I just think people are massively overestimating the importance of a bit of ink on someone's skin in comparison to so many other things that are seen as 'normal'.

7even · 28/02/2018 15:32

"Do employers genuinely think they're getting the best people if they're judging them based on something drawn on their skin or whether they make eye contact? "

Depends on the role, of course but yes, I couldn't employ anyone who had a neck tattoo or was unable to make eye contact.

"Appearance is totally subjective"

Yes and senior staff are paid to make subjective decisions.

"The comment about Oxbridge lecturers made me chuckle"

Why? Do you disagree that there are likely few to zero Oxbridge Dons with neck tattoos?

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