How do people feel if the man you are with is looking at other women ?

[hopethingsgetbetter]

I know this is probably obvious as I've seen it posted on here before but I'm just wondering how women cope with their partner looking at other women in a checking them out kind of way? I really do not like it at all. My partner does it in rather sneaky ways (eg walking back in the shopping isle to pick up some more bread or whatever, when he clearly wants to have a closer look, or if a woman jogger runs past us he will pretend to want to see what the building behind us is so that he can watch her running). I hadn't challenged him on this until yesterday because I thought it was rather a belittling an paranoid sounding accusation. However he admitted that he knows that he does it and he says all men do it, but I know that they don't. Perhaps it doesn't matter. I know he wouldn't act on anything. Incidentally, I have (when I was younger) been the 'looked-at woman' as well. I haven't done it (because it would be demeaning, rude and unkind) but when I was looked-at woman I have felt like calling the man out and telling their wife.

My husband has a crush on one of nursery workers.
But then so do I, she’s cute and makes me question my sexuality

Neither of us would stare or backtrack anyone though. That’s just weird.

It is visual rape
Oh please.

@Argeles

"Whilst I totally detest it whenever my DH looks at other women, and it infuriates me, it makes me want to batter the shit out of the woman rather than my DH! I have no idea why this is the case, as it’s my DH who does the looking, but it’s always the woman who I want to call all the names under the sun whilst physically attacking her."

What a completely odd and weird thing to say....So not only does some poor woman have to put up with being gawped at like some prize by your partner but she then had to tolerate the glares and sneers you probably give to her never mind wanting to attack her. For doing nothing. Maybe it's your DP/DH who needs to control himself. I pity any attractive woman who has to come into contact with you pair

To be fair you probably hold some 1930s view that the poor little man who can't help himself being tempted by some unknowing Scarlett woman.....

I have never felt even the mildest of hostility towards women that my partner has noticed, if we pass someone especially striking I would often say wow look at her wasn't she gorgeous
If he's starting to obviously ogling women I would feel embarrassed because he'd look like some dirty old man

It is visual rape.

Given that the definition of rape includes penetration by a penis, does that mean they've shoved their penis in someone's eye?

I think @Argeles is one of those women who really enjoys being the centre of male attention.

Every incident that we would describe as sexual harassment or abuse, she probably sees as a validation of her man pleasing.

Thus she assumes that every other woman getting -unwanted harassment attention from her partner is enjoying it like she does.

And op your H is a creepy fucker and if he did that in front of me I'd be calling it out, loudly and publicly.

A random woman just trying to get on with her day is not an object for strangers weird gratification.

I used to be friends with a girl who thought being groped intimately by a gross stranger in a club said a lot about her attractiveness.

Sadly I think a lot of women feel like that.

Completely missing the point about why men grope, and that many different kinds of women get groped.

@LittleMissUnreasonable

I certainly don’t hold the view that men can’t help but being tempted by a scarlet woman - men should be able to control themselves.

What I said previously may sound like an odd and weird thing to say to you, and I’ve never fully understood it myself, but it’s the way it makes me feel. I’d rather be honest about my opinions and feelings even if I don’t understand them.

My husband doesn’t do this and I’m sure he notices attractive women, he just knows not to behave like a dick around his wife.

Actually that’s a little bit of a lie. He did it once when we were on a beach in Bali. These three gorgeous topless women were walking through the surf, loudly frolicking and generally drawing a lot of attention to themselves. DH looked up (as did everyone else) and stared and I think said “boobs”. I fell off my sunbed laughing because he was immeasurably embarrassed and made a big show of returning to read his book like he hadn’t noticed them. I suspected they were a part of some sort of hidden camera thing because it seemed so staged to elicit a reaction from both the men and women.

Ogling in general is gross though and you deserve better.

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina

Interesting psychoanalysis on me, a perfect stranger, that you’ve provided. I can assure you however that I have been followed, sexually harassed, and in receipt of lots of other unwanted male attention since I was 9 years old (thanks to early onset puberty giving me the appearance of a 15 year old), and no, I didn’t enjoy these experiences.

In one such incident of sexual harassment, I had my arse and thighs groped on a tube train. I ‘thanked’ the pervert by hitting him very hard in the genitals with my umbrella. I was a teenager at the time and felt terrified.

I don’t fully understand my viewpoint on this matter myself, but would rather provide my honest opinions. It seems however, that increasingly on this site, if someone’s opinion is outside of the status quo, then one will be attacked or have huge sweeping generalisations made about them.

Regardless, I will continue to be honest and truthful.

He sounds immature. Noticing attractive people exist is fine but rubbernecking at them is weird. What is he trying to prove, especially in front of you? That he sees women as objects and has no respect for you.

How do I cope? DH and I are pretty open, but usually we're a pair of harpies discussing the fashion of yoof these days.

@Argeles

"What I said previously may sound like an odd and weird thing to say to you, and I’ve never fully understood it myself, but it’s the way it makes me feel. I’d rather be honest about my opinions and feelings even if I don’t understand them."

At least you're honest:) I do think you need to talk to someone though about these feelings you hold. It would be awful to imagine your DD being ogled at by some random old man before being wallop3d by his wife.

We need woman (and men!) To know in this case they are victims and it's not their fault for how they look and neither are they asking for it.

Glad you haven't married this saddo, op. You may wish to raise your standards.

We can improve the species by selective breeding - or not breeding.

Argeles hats off for being honest. But it might be worth exploring why with someone who can help you work through it, because it can't be much fun for you feeling so intensely angry about it.

My DH is several times more attractive than me and when we first got together I found the fact that he was frequently propositioned really hard to deal with. We have been together 15 odd years and I can honestly say it is only in the past few years that I have felt confident enough in my own skin that it does not bother me and I find it amusing more than anything. I dealt with by turning anger and anxiety inwards though, against myself. But it's ever so much more restful now that it does not bother me.DH would never act on it, he was always horrified when propositioned- a couple of times literally in front of me!!!! But it's taken alot of work to get to this point, and I am very content now.

Think about it?

argeles Maybe theres a reason why wanting to smash someones face in just for existing in the vicinity of your DH is "outside the status quo". If you don't know why you feel this way and you are eaten up by anger all the time then as most people are suggesting, you need to access some anger management sessions or counselling. Maybe to help you deal with your own experiences.

I didn't think that was a thing, I have never noticed DH looking at anyone else. If he does then he's very subtle about it.

He does notice when people are wearing very unattractive clothing (e.g. flesh coloured leggings so it looks like they're half naked), I know this because he points them out to me and I have to shush him in case they hear.

When I was at university I was walking down the centre of the campus when I noticed a very pretty girl walking in front of me. She was wearing a white dress that the sun shone through so I could see the outline of her legs. I may have slowed down slightly to make sure I didn't overtake her.

After enjoying the view, I briefly visited whatever building I was going to before making the return journey, only to find her walking in front of me again! However this time I didn't enjoy the view for long before I noticed a film crew that was apparently filming her walking up and down, and possible me looking at her.

With hindsight I realised that the transparency of her dress was not entirely accidental.

Now whenever I see an attractive woman, I can only look for a moment, as I can't help thinking there's a hidden camera somewhere that's watching me watching her.

He goes back for another look? That really is not "normal" and it is really really creepy

@Argeles

You're seriously disturbed.

Whilst I totally detest it whenever my DH looks at other women, and it infuriates me, it makes me want to batter the shit out of the woman

I have no idea why this is the case

Mental health disorder? Extreme jealousy?

As it’s my DH who does the looking ...but I ......... whilst physically attacking her.

If ever I have talked with friends about what would we do if we caught our DH’s/DPs with another woman we nearly all say that we’d do everything in our power to kill the woman

This is why it's not a good idea to mess with married men. Yo may encounter someone like this....or her friends.

op its not normal to backtrack down roads to look at women

we all look or glance at someone but what hes doing isnt right

argeles go and get some help and i hope to god your daughter doesnt have to encounter someone like you one day for being looked at

@SandyY2K

I love the way in which you label a perfect stranger in such a derogatory way with a multitude of labels.

I’d find it insulting.

I don’t care if he finds people attractive , say a pretty celeb etc or likes someone’s outfit or hair.

But openly checking them out is disrespectful tbh.

Oh and my DP doesn’t do it.

Sorry to hijack your thread and write this OP, but I feel the need to say a few things about the comments I’ve received on this thread.

I’m usually the type of poster on Mumsnet who expresses my opinion on a thread, then hardly ever checks back to see what others have said, unless it is one in which the OP is seeking advice or assistance with a serious/delicate matter. If I do read others’ comments and don’t agree with them, I don’t feel the need to make derogatory comments and nasty assumptions on a perfect stranger, I just agree to disagree and move on. I only comment to other posters to try and offer advice or make a funny comment.

I’m astounded to have so far received 4 emails today informing me that I’ve been mentioned in posts, and then noticing that several other posters have also been referring to me in their posts too, just on this one thread.

Whenever I post, I always try to be as honest as possible in giving my opinions, but in the 3 years I’ve been on here, I’ve noticed it’s got far worse in the last few months for people not being able to tolerate the opinions of some, and other posters being so nasty or judgmental in response. It’s a real shame.

I provide lots of very detailed advice for people on here, and many have been grateful in return, but I write one post in quite a flippant way when I’m in a bad, hormonal, heavily pregnant mood, and I get a barrage of insulting and highly judgmental comments thrown at me.

I will still definitely continue to give my opinions on Mumsnet, but I will not be checking back on this thread or responding to anyone else who emails me regarding this thread. I’d sooner invest my energy on trying to advise and comfort those on here who are in need.