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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do people feel if the man you are with is looking at other women ?

136 replies

hopethingsgetbetter · 26/02/2018 16:38

I know this is probably obvious as I've seen it posted on here before but I'm just wondering how women cope with their partner looking at other women in a checking them out kind of way? I really do not like it at all. My partner does it in rather sneaky ways (eg walking back in the shopping isle to pick up some more bread or whatever, when he clearly wants to have a closer look, or if a woman jogger runs past us he will pretend to want to see what the building behind us is so that he can watch her running). I hadn't challenged him on this until yesterday because I thought it was rather a belittling an paranoid sounding accusation. However he admitted that he knows that he does it and he says all men do it, but I know that they don't. Perhaps it doesn't matter. I know he wouldn't act on anything. Incidentally, I have (when I was younger) been the 'looked-at woman' as well. I haven't done it (because it would be demeaning, rude and unkind) but when I was looked-at woman I have felt like calling the man out and telling their wife.

OP posts:
MmeGuillotine · 27/02/2018 00:03

My boyfriend occasionally glances at other women and it makes me feel a bit shit about myself. I'm very very insecure about my appearance though so just try to ignore it as I think my reaction is disproportionate. I think that I would definitely leave him if he was doing the sort of thing that the OP describes though as that is just not on and massively disrespectful, not to mention really quite grubby.

Sorry OP, you deserve better than this.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/02/2018 00:07

I'll be honest I wouldn't like it. I don't like the thought that my dp could find other women better looking than me. If he does he off his pop with her.
I'm a jealous bitch. I ll hold my hands up

SomewhereInbetween1 · 27/02/2018 07:08

Literally following a woman to objectively stare at her to get his jollies borders on sexual harassment

Unfinishedkitchen · 27/02/2018 07:52

Two of my friends husbands openly discuss which other mums at the school they fancy commenting on hair, figure etc. Their wives look on and smile. DH and I find this behaviour weird and unsettling. We notice attractive people but we’d never loudly exclaim that we fancy the new mum who’s just moved in and looks like an ex model etc etc, we both think it’s pretty disrespectful.

maxthemartian · 27/02/2018 08:02

argeles your attitude is really woman-hating.

reddington · 27/02/2018 08:05

Your DP just isn’t very good at it. Many of us manage without getting caught. Sunglasses make it much easier.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/02/2018 08:29

Argeles, your post is really uncomfortable reading.

ShowOfHands · 27/02/2018 08:31

Angeles, I find you attitude utterly disturbing.

WilyMinx · 27/02/2018 08:33

My husband will usually only glance at an attractive woman as she is walking towards us, and will never turn around to stare after her. Once, he did a double take after spotting a woman and looked at her again. I teased him about it, and he told me he was checking out her expensive/limited edition watch. It might have been true as she had her back to us. But she was also in a tight juicy couture tracksuit which looked rather good on her so the jury is still out on that one.
I would be massively annoyed if he trailed after a random woman in a supermarket just for a closer look.

whitecandles · 27/02/2018 08:34

I think it's totally normal to notice attractive people, and I am way worse for it than my husband is. Apparently I have a special smile I do when I see a hot guy and he ALWAYS notices. It happens automatically.

It wouldn't bother me if he checked another woman out briefly, but going back to eye them up or turning round to ogle them - nah. That's too much.

Fengshui · 27/02/2018 08:42

My ex used to do it openly and then ridicule me and humiliate me when i objected.

My DH does not do it. He notices other men do it and finds it sleazy. I am very grateful for this.

Fengshui · 27/02/2018 08:44

(Mind you, DH had a bit of a crush on DS's Year 2 teacher. That took some major adulting on my part to tell myself that crushes are normal and to not worry).

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2018 08:45

I think you're minimising this. Having a quick glance as you go about your business is totally normal, doubling back or hanging back to have a proper look is friggen Pervy and down right weird and I don't know any man who does this. And doing it with your partner there is horrid.

Your partner is a creep. No two ways about it. Your call if you are fine with this. I certainly wouldn't be.

Pagwatch · 27/02/2018 08:50

Very attractive people catch the eye - I notice beautiful people, it's human nature.

Ogling, back tracking to get a better look is creepy as fuck.

Argeles- you should really think about what you posted. It's deeply unhealthy. If your friends all agree then honestly, think about who you are mixing with. It's totally illogical the way you e expressed it is weird as hell.

HandbagKrabby · 27/02/2018 08:52

Urgh. You see those threads on here with 100s of posts of women sexually harassed and assaulted in the street? This is the thin end of the wedge. I couldn’t spend time with someone who makes excuses to go and leer at women doing their shopping or whatever. His attitude towards women as a group is fucking terrible, although he may be nice to you.

The pp who has a dd and wants to hurt women your partner ogles? What is wrong with you? If you’re unhappy with your partner your issue is with your partner, not random women who have no control over who looks at them. When it’s your dd that starts getting ogled (posters report from about 10 girls are considered fair game) will you blame her for how men act towards her?

HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 08:53

eg walking back in the shopping isle to pick up some more bread or whatever, when he clearly wants to have a closer look,

Your partner is a letch and a creep.

As said by many, of you course you notice attractive people but you do not walk back aand ogle them.

Fengshui · 27/02/2018 08:53

doubling back to look at someone though is pervy and unsettling and disturbing, and not normal. Noticing someone is quite attractive as you pass them and that's it is not.

And yes, in my admittedly limited experience, my abusive ex who did it did it as a means by which to control me and make me insecure.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2018 08:54

Argeles has some issues. She's posted in this vein before. Just the sight of a woman who she thinks her partner might find attractive makes her want to kill them and she gets "the rage".. She's been told many times on here it's abnormal behaviour.

MissWilmottsGhost · 27/02/2018 08:55

DH doesn't as far as I am aware.

The only men I know who do are misogynistic twats.

HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 08:55

Argeles utterly irrational.

MissWilmottsGhost · 27/02/2018 09:00

Argeles your response is abnormal.

thethoughtfox · 27/02/2018 09:00

A second glance is a normal hum reaction.I'm on the fence about what your partner has been doing. he is trying to take another cheeky look at a pretty girl and not trying to be obvious to you or her. However, now that you have told him that he isn't being discreet and you know what he is doing and don't like it, he needs to stop while he is in your company.

thethoughtfox · 27/02/2018 09:00

Normal human reaction!

Fengshui · 27/02/2018 09:01

Argelesif you truly feel that way you need counselling or anger management therapy. It must be so exhausting living like that, and it is not remotely appropriate.

Chienrouge · 27/02/2018 09:03

I’m sure DH finds other women attractive, but he does not do what you describe. Because he’s not a creep.

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