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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do people feel if the man you are with is looking at other women ?

136 replies

hopethingsgetbetter · 26/02/2018 16:38

I know this is probably obvious as I've seen it posted on here before but I'm just wondering how women cope with their partner looking at other women in a checking them out kind of way? I really do not like it at all. My partner does it in rather sneaky ways (eg walking back in the shopping isle to pick up some more bread or whatever, when he clearly wants to have a closer look, or if a woman jogger runs past us he will pretend to want to see what the building behind us is so that he can watch her running). I hadn't challenged him on this until yesterday because I thought it was rather a belittling an paranoid sounding accusation. However he admitted that he knows that he does it and he says all men do it, but I know that they don't. Perhaps it doesn't matter. I know he wouldn't act on anything. Incidentally, I have (when I was younger) been the 'looked-at woman' as well. I haven't done it (because it would be demeaning, rude and unkind) but when I was looked-at woman I have felt like calling the man out and telling their wife.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 26/02/2018 17:04

Not bothered at all. In fact, I'll point out people to him that I know he'd be attracted to.

Why doesn't it bother me? Because there's nothing wrong in appreciating an attractive person and I trust him not to act on it. If he did, he knows exactly what he'd be losing.

Somerville · 26/02/2018 17:04

Just ask your partner to be more discrete or to wait until they are not with you before enjoying the 'scenery'.

Human being are not scenery. Or 'scenery'.

PointyBirdsAnointyNointy · 26/02/2018 17:06

I agree with everyone who says he sounds creepy. Doubling back to have a closer look is crossing the line.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/02/2018 17:09

Why doesn't it bother me? Because there's nothing wrong in appreciating an attractive person and I trust him not to act on it

You'd be ok with your partner/husband back-tracking down the supermarket aisle for a closer look?

Because pretty much everyone on this thread has said basic looking doesn't bother them either.

Ohyesiam · 26/02/2018 17:14

Sorry, that sounded dismissive and flippant. I know it's not simple, but it is possible if he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. If he is willing to up his game, that's a different story.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 26/02/2018 17:17

I'd think if he was openly ogling like he does (back tracking for another look? Ffs!) that he was a twat and the woman with him should raise her standards dump the twat.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 26/02/2018 17:23

My (admittedly abusive) ex would check out other much younger women (late teens/early 20s. It made me feel lousy and I am a fair bit younger than him. But that I think was part of a bigger strategy to make destroy my self worth.

I’ve never noticed my current partner check out other women so either he hides it well or he simply doesn’t do it. As he’s given me no reason not to trust him I prefer to believe he doesn’t do it at all.

Adoodoobydoo · 26/02/2018 17:25

I think it's normal to sometimes notice someone is attractive and look up, for men and women, but the turning back and making up excuses to get a second look is creepy and weird.

Mreva · 26/02/2018 17:25

I think that is one of the few times irl I would pull this face Hmm

Luckily for Dh I don't often have to pull that face at him.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 26/02/2018 17:30

Creepy as fuck.

I'm sure people do look and find other attractive. I cannot recall my husband openly doing it. BUT doubling back to have a further perv is just creepy, rude and disrespectful to you and the women he is perving on.

chipsandgin · 26/02/2018 17:35

I've got no problem with him looking just as I wouldn't expect him to have a problem with me looking. Occasionally I'll notice someone catch his eye (where we are there are a phenomenal amount of joggers with impossibly pert bottoms which defy gravity when running), I might comment (as in compliment it/be in awe) when I see something like that has caught his eye. It is human nature to look at other humans, especially attractive ones.

However following someone back in to the supermarket or leering or ogling is totally different. There is a line which you don't cross because it goes from noticing an attractive person (normal) to being a creepy weirdo (your husband). He maybe needs to work out where the line is? Also know it is OK to look but don't be a weirdo about it!

upaladderagain · 26/02/2018 17:39

I wouldn’t go out more than once with someone who behaved to disrespectfully.
If he’s sleazebagging like this in your company what’s the chances he’s a bum-pinching cat-caller when he’s alone. Twat.

Wineandrosesagain · 26/02/2018 17:43

How very disrespectful of him to to you Op. Also, how creepy he must appear to the women he is ogling. Yuck. I wouldn’t be putting up with that shit, and you don’t have to either. Dump the creepy git.

Nikephorus · 26/02/2018 18:16

I think it's normal to sometimes notice someone is attractive and look up, for men and women, but the turning back and making up excuses to get a second look is creepy and weird.
This ^. Fine to notice (in a casual way without making a big deal over it), even to look back over your shoulder sometimes, but to make excuses about looking at buildings or go back to follow them - disrespectful & creepy.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 18:25

All creepy men do this

GrannyGrissle · 26/02/2018 19:10

What a repulsive man.

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 26/02/2018 22:21

Thank you all so much for the comments! The predominant view is that it is not something I / anyone should put up with. Reading it here makes me wonder why I have done so. I think it crept in gradually and when I first noticed it, it felt like a rather embarrassing accusation so I put it down to paranoia on my part. But I now dont think it was. If we pass an attractive woman he will want to hang back so that I cant see what he's doing. As I said I have just confronted him over it. I dont want to make it more of a big deal than it is in my relationship. I work in a situation where I observe a lot of people (I'm sure we all do) and I know that some men (often in a group for some reason) will stop what they are doing in order to rubber-neck and oggle a woman. I also know that some men do not do this. Thank you again for comments. It makes me feel more confident about calmly standing my ground.

OP posts:
Historicallyinaccurate · 26/02/2018 22:31

Please do stand your ground. Repeatedly. And call him out on it whenever he does it. Loudly. He might eventually get the message that it's not really something decent ppl should be doing - out of basic human respect for both their dp and the poor random stranger.

ThatGirl82 · 26/02/2018 22:46

I have never thought about it or noticed my partner doing it. He probably looks at women thinking they are attractive but not in a pervy, checking out their butt kind of way. I probably look at people occasionally if they are attractive.

What you describe would bother me as it seems a bit over the top.

OutyMcOutface · 26/02/2018 22:48

Men who visible ogle women, especially doing things like going back into an aisle to get a second look are gross. End of. Can you get rid?

bigfatbuddha · 26/02/2018 22:54

We both look discreetly at attractive people. As long as no one notices including the attractive person and the OH it's ok. It doesn't mean we love each other less, it's just having a shallow look for fun.

Argeles · 26/02/2018 23:08

It’s incredibly hurtful and disrespectful.

Whilst I totally detest it whenever my DH looks at other women, and it infuriates me, it makes me want to batter the shit out of the woman rather than my DH! I have no idea why this is the case, as it’s my DH who does the looking, but it’s always the woman who I want to call all the names under the sun whilst physically attacking her.

It’s strange too, as when I was younger, so many men would very openly check me out and flirt with me in front of their partners, so I know what it’s like from the other perspective too.

If ever I have talked with friends about what would we do if we caught our DH’s/partners with another woman, we nearly all say that we’d do everything in our power to kill the woman, and only say that we’d shout at and slap our men.

Since becoming a Mum, I no longer think exactly the same as above, not because I wouldn’t want to, but as I love my DD more than anything else in the world, and wouldn’t want to be stuck in a prison cell and miss her growing up!

ClemDanfango · 26/02/2018 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecatfromjapan · 26/02/2018 23:17

Doubling back in a supermarket aisle? Shock

That would be weird and utterly creepy in someone single, never mind someone in a relationship.

This one is too strange to date, OP. Really.

I'm sorry that your experience of men has suggested this is within the bounds of normal behaviour. It really isn't. On the plus side, you're posting here because the behaviour disturbs you. now you need to start listening to yourself a bit more - and finding someone who doesn't set your alarm bells off.

Sallystyle · 26/02/2018 23:27

It's never happened.

My husband wouldn't do it. Well, he may well do, but he has enough respect to be subtle enough so I have never noticed.

I wouldn't tolerate it either OP.

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