To start wondering if it's personal?

[TheHulksPurplePants]

I'll try to keep this short, and honestly, I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm being unreasonable.

6 years ago, when DS was born, I became friends with a group of other first time Mums (there are 5 of us altogether in the group), and we became quite close, always making weekend plans with each other that included the DH"s and the kids, etc, all decided to have DC # 2 around the same time, all of us Working Mum's, so a lot in common, etc.

For the first few years money was tight for all of us, so we used to do a lot of play dates at each others houses, camping, cheap meals out.

However, over the last couple of years they've all started earning more and, vicariously, spending more. So play dates and cheap meals became expensive day trips, fancy restaurants. Moreover, the birthday parties have gotten more and more extravagant. DH and I just can't keep up.

I've just had to decline yet another birthday party, this one faaarrrr out of our price range, and I'm starting to wonder if this is personal? They all know full well we could never afford this, so I'm just wondering if they're doing it on purpose because they don't want us around?*

Not only that, but every time I have to press "not going" on a party invite, and then see all the pictures from the party on social media later, it makes me feel like shit for days.

I don't want to ditch my friends, but, I'm starting to wonder why I still talk to them?

disclaimer I've suffered from severe depression, ADHD and anxiety for years, so I find judging proper emotions and reactions to things difficult to judge

Honestly? Sounds more like they just have more disposable income and want to give their kids what they can afford.

I can absolutely see why it would annoy you, but I very much doubt there is anything personal in it. There are other, more reliable ways to ostracise someone!

What do you mean by 'vicariously'?

What do you mean by 'vicariously'?

I think I just realized I've been using the word wrong for years!

I don't think it's personal.

Are they adult only parties? what kind of extravagant parties are they you have to pay?

How is a birthday party far out your price range? Surely you wouldn’t be expected to pay anything as a guest. They’re inviting you, so they want you there.

I don’t understand. It costs you money to go to their birthday parties?

I think you have done well to stay friends with them for all these years given that to begin with all you had in common were babies.

Most friendships that I've known to stem from baby groups or nct start to go their own ways on return to work or when kids begin school. Life goes in other directions, all normal.

Play dates at home get harder as kids get older, perhaps the days out are a reflection of that. After being at work all week they don't want their house trashed by guests and so it's easier to meet out of the home.

I doubt they are choosing expensive parties to exclude you but that it's just how they want to celebrate. How is a party costing you money? Don't you just take a present? I'm sure they would understand if you didn't take a gift if things were tight.

TheHulksPurplePants

Sorry!

What kind of birthday party do the guests have to pay? And how much is it? Seems extreme that a kids bday party would be that expensive.

No, they aren’t doing it because of you.

I don’t understand. It costs you money to go to their birthday parties?

They tend to be at fancy restaurants where we are expected to pay our own way. The latest one is in a private dining room, the packages start at 163 GBP per person. Yes it's adult only.

OP....I have friends who earn way more than me. In fact most of them do. They arrange things we just can't afford because they want to do those things...not just to leave us out!

Why would ANYONE stop going to certain places for fear of offending one member of the group?

It would be ridiculous.

Sorry, I mean ADULT Birthday parties. Not the kids birthdays. As it stands, the kids birthdays are the only times we see them, whereas we used to get together every 2 or 3 weeks.

Why would ANYONE stop going to certain places for fear of offending one member of the group?

That's how I used to think. But it just seems like it's ALL the time now, and we never get to see them.

TheHulksPurplePants

If someone suggested I pay £160 to eat in a private dining room for their birthday, I'd wait until I'd finished laughing, then suggest we went out for a drink in a week or so. If they didn't want to do that, I'd back away from the friendship.

I think they are being a bit insensitive. I doubt they are thinking “let’s arrange this and make it too expensive so that TheHulk and her DH can’t come” but it certainly seems like they aren’t bending over backwards to make it accessible for you.

I think maybe it’s time to recognise that you’re not as close as you used to be. They don’t sound like very empathetic people.

Well, that’s just ridiculous. I would never expect people to stump up that much money to celebrate my birthday! Wtf?!

I would decline these invitations and not be too worried if the friendships faded away. They don’t sound v polite or nice, tbh.

I’m curious about why the parties are expensive for you. Most people who throw parties are treating their guests. You only supply a present within your own budget.

Why not continue to accept invitations you can afford and suggest inexpensive things to do together. Trips to local woods, seaside museums. Join beavers, brownies etc.

If there are still more that you can’t afford than you can accept why not explain the situation and just step aside for the less affordable things that crop up.

You could also see the families on a more one to one basis.

Your child will make and drift apart from lots of friends as they grow up as will you as time passes. It can be sad but it is life and there is no point in making yourself unhappy trying to maintain a poor fit.

When you decline invitations, do you say it's too expensive for you? Do you ever suggest cheaper get togethers?

If the answer to both is 'no' then you need to be a bit more upfront.

Penggwn at Christmas they suggested that we all go for a family dinner. This was directly after I started a new job, where I have gotten quite a raise (however still no where near what they are earning), and DH and I were really excited to go. However, at some point, when we weren't around, they decided on this really posh place that we couldn't possibly afford and that had nothing for the kids, so we had to decline. All I've heard since is how great it was.

Guess I'm having trouble accepting the fact we've got nothing in common anymore.

When you decline invitations, do you say it's too expensive for you? Do you ever suggest cheaper get togethers?

yes and yes, however I tend to be ignored.

So its the adult parties you feel like your being left out from.

Again i think it is more that they havr a higher income and therefore are able to spoil themselves.

Started writing before I saw your update. Over £160 per person? Are you sure you are paying for yourselves?

I change my post and suggest you ditch the crazy lot.
(And I LOVE expensive restaurants once a decade.)
Are these landmark birthdays or normal?

Are these landmark birthdays or normal?

They're 40th birthdays. Which is why I'd think they'd want their friends around, rather than just a fancy venue.

Why dont you arrange a get together?

How often do you make the point? At every decline?

I’m amazed they can all afford it.

Hide them in Facebook and move on.

How often do you make the point? At every decline?

Yup. I'm pretty blunt about it. They know we've been having money troubles for the past little while as I was laid off in August, and only started a new position at the end of November.