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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start wondering if it's personal?

117 replies

TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 05:54

I'll try to keep this short, and honestly, I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm being unreasonable.

6 years ago, when DS was born, I became friends with a group of other first time Mums (there are 5 of us altogether in the group), and we became quite close, always making weekend plans with each other that included the DH"s and the kids, etc, all decided to have DC # 2 around the same time, all of us Working Mum's, so a lot in common, etc.

For the first few years money was tight for all of us, so we used to do a lot of play dates at each others houses, camping, cheap meals out.

However, over the last couple of years they've all started earning more and, vicariously, spending more. So play dates and cheap meals became expensive day trips, fancy restaurants. Moreover, the birthday parties have gotten more and more extravagant. DH and I just can't keep up.

I've just had to decline yet another birthday party, this one faaarrrr out of our price range, and I'm starting to wonder if this is personal? They all know full well we could never afford this, so I'm just wondering if they're doing it on purpose because they don't want us around?*

Not only that, but every time I have to press "not going" on a party invite, and then see all the pictures from the party on social media later, it makes me feel like shit for days.

I don't want to ditch my friends, but, I'm starting to wonder why I still talk to them?

disclaimer I've suffered from severe depression, ADHD and anxiety for years, so I find judging proper emotions and reactions to things difficult to judge

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 07:31

Corblimeyguv yes, they all have this kind of disposable income.

My 40th hasn't come up yet, so I've not planned anything.

It's not sudden really, 2 returned to work early last year following maternity leave, the other 2 have always had more income but were happy to "slum it" with us, until last year anyway.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 26/02/2018 07:34

Tbh, if they're holding birthday parties at which guests are expected to pay their own way, they can't actually afford them - those aren't parties, that's meeting for a meal. It sounds, on the basis of this, a little as if their improved circumstances have gone to their heads, which will also be why they aren't keen to adjust the spending for you. It's not nice, but not personal.

I agree with taking a non-rancorous step back and building other friendships.

Witchend · 26/02/2018 07:35

Thing is once one has done it, then it becomes the "norm" so they won't think about it.
I doubt it's personal, as it would be very expensive way of making a point. If you've been clear on financial matters then they could go to somewhere half that price and still you couldn't afford it.
I'd be doubtful at going to one at £30 a head, and certainly would be turning down a second one.

Corblimeyguv · 26/02/2018 07:37

It’s definitely not YBU, OP, but I don’t think it’s personal. Just insensitive Flowers

Accountant222 · 26/02/2018 07:38

If it was my 40th and I issued invites to a fancy venue I'd be paying, not you.

TheVanguardSix · 26/02/2018 07:39

I had this problem years ago when DC1 was a little boy. I ended up just having to leave the group. We couldn't keep up. It just created too much anxiety. I didn't miss them in the least. The relief was enormous once I just stopped hanging out with them. And I learned very quickly that most people live pretty modestly and don't have great expectations. Not that there's anything wrong with lavish spending, if that's your bag. But it's not mine and that whole 'lifestyle' stuff doesn't work for me. Think about what works for you, friendship-wise, and go from there.

It is so not a personal thing at all. Different strokes for different folks.
I think it's time to find a different tribe though.

SunnyCoco · 26/02/2018 07:39

I don’t think it’s personal.

But I do think you should be proactive in organising some things yourself. Invite them to yours or to nights out which are in your price range.
I’ve not got much £ but I do a lot of organising and it is a bit annoying when someone constantly declines but never organised anything themselves

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/02/2018 07:40

Thing is, if they all have the income to afford £160 per head meals easily, and are happy to do so, then their social lives will be a bit different. If they all could afford zizzis and you couldn't it would be a similar issue.

Adding that they are now socialising as couples, not just the woman, and without the children, so it clearly has moved on from the baby group.

In my experience these groups dissolve if the dcs go to different schools around year 2- when the kids stop having big, hire a hall type parties and start taking 6/8 friends bowling and have to pick who they want - rather than the guest list being whole class plus their mums friends kids - unless the parents have built a strong friendship beyond the children.

It's not deliberate as such, more they don't see you as a key part of their friendship group, so don't feel they need to fit things around you, if you can make it, great, but you aren't someone they plan around.

HuskyMcClusky · 26/02/2018 07:40

If it was my 40th and I issued invites to a fancy venue I'd be paying, not you.

Exactly. 40 is much too old for ‘pay your own way’ birthday dinners.

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/02/2018 07:45

Re who should pay - if this is the norm of the group that everyone pays their own way at meals, just celebrating a different person each time, then it would be odd for one to suddenly pay for everyone. This is how this group does stuff, which is fine as it works for them all. Just doesn't for people like the op who really is sort of an additional invite.

Time for the op to move on. They obviously have a lot in common beyond the fact they got pregnant within a few weeks of each other, which is why the friendship has moved on from play dates to couples meeting up without kids.

k2p2k2tog · 26/02/2018 07:46

In my 40's now and wouldn't ask guests to pay to come out to a birthday meal I arranged.

Indeed, but there's a difference between:

"I'm having a party at Swanky restaurant, would love you to be there"

and

"It's my 40th, why don't we all have a night out at Swanky restaurant?"

In the first I'd assume that the inviter would be paying, in the second that the bill would be split. I don't think it's personal OP, I think you have a bit of an issue that your friends are earning more and doing different things.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 07:52

They obviously have a lot in common beyond the fact they got pregnant within a few weeks of each other, which is why the friendship has moved on from play dates to couples meeting up without kids.

Yes, WE all did have far more in common, that's why my DH and I were always included as well. It's just in the last year that everything has gotten more and more expensive and, while we're still invited, we have to decline every time, and they don't seem to be interested in doing anything cheaper whenever I try to organize something.

OP posts:
Afternoon · 26/02/2018 07:59

I think you'd be better off finding some other friends TBH. If they don't bother to come to things you organise, while knowing you can't join in what they arrange, I don't think they're very considerate. You deserve friends who value your company enough to make meeting up possible!

Allthecoolkids · 26/02/2018 08:08

I think life is taking you on different paths. And I think it’s sad and rude that they aren’t being a bit more thoughtful of you, given your long history.

I would keep going to anything you can, as and when you want to, and see if it settles (40th birthdays might just be a blip) but I would also start actively trying to cultivate some other friendships, too x

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:14

but I would also start actively trying to cultivate some other friendships, too x

Gah! That fills me with more anxiety and panic than the idea that my current "friends" are purposely cutting me out! Grin

OP posts:
Allthecoolkids · 26/02/2018 08:16

Hahaha yeah, I know.

Only at the start though. Then who knows how good it could be?

Anyone who could be potential new friend fodder?

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 08:18

I honestly don't get the big birthday celebration where guests pay for themselves. If we invite people out for a meal to celebrate a birthday we expect to pay the bill. Just like we'd pay for the food if we celebrated at home. This seems really bizarre to me.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:19

Anyone who could be potential new friend fodder?

No, not really. I work full time so don't meet the other mums at school. There's an event at the school this Thursday evening, so I will make the effort to go. The local Comic Con is coming up in April too and the kids are old enough to enjoy it this year, so maybe I can find a fellow geek.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/02/2018 08:24

I also don't think they are organising these sort of events in some way to spite or exclude you. They are simply doing what they wish and what the majority can attend.

I really don't think it's personal. You're still being invited. If they didn't want you there they would simply not invite you. The fact they are inviting you says they want you there. They aren't willing to celebrate their birthdays in a way that would suit you and not them though. Which is kind of fair enough really.

Try not to be too bitter or paranoid about it. At worst it's probably a bit thoughtless, but again it's their birthdays, they can afford it, as can the majority of others.

AbsolutelyCorking · 26/02/2018 08:29

They don’t sound that well off if they are making everyone pay to attend their party... never heard that one before! If you hire a private dining room then the one organising it pays.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:32

Bluntness I've been telling myself exactly what you said for months now, I guess it's just getting harder and harder to believe it. Especially after the Christmas dinner that was supposed to be for our whole group, and my DS 6th birthday where only 2 showed up. Sad

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 26/02/2018 08:37

It sounds like these people have come into money and it is burning a hole in their pockets.

Similar to a group I hung out with after giving birth.

Now 18 years later. Most are divorced and the only couple to stay together had to sell their 4 bed detached and now live in flat.

The ones that I call as friends now some have mega millions and some are on income support. We go to Bella Italia, or Zizzis with a voucher

ferntwist · 26/02/2018 08:44

Really feel for you OP. I don’t think they’re doing it on purpose to leave you out but it sounds really tough. £163 a head for a birthday dinner is ridiculous! Can I ask where you live? (Roughly). I can’t imagine where that would be normal.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:45

Can I ask where you live? (Roughly).

We live in Dubai, but it's expensive even for here.

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 26/02/2018 08:47

The fact they are inviting you says they want you there. They aren't willing to celebrate their birthdays in a way that would suit you and not them though. Which is kind of fair enough really.

That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose. If I really wanted someone there, though, I’d make sure I picked something that was financially viable for them. At least some of the time.