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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start wondering if it's personal?

117 replies

TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 05:54

I'll try to keep this short, and honestly, I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm being unreasonable.

6 years ago, when DS was born, I became friends with a group of other first time Mums (there are 5 of us altogether in the group), and we became quite close, always making weekend plans with each other that included the DH"s and the kids, etc, all decided to have DC # 2 around the same time, all of us Working Mum's, so a lot in common, etc.

For the first few years money was tight for all of us, so we used to do a lot of play dates at each others houses, camping, cheap meals out.

However, over the last couple of years they've all started earning more and, vicariously, spending more. So play dates and cheap meals became expensive day trips, fancy restaurants. Moreover, the birthday parties have gotten more and more extravagant. DH and I just can't keep up.

I've just had to decline yet another birthday party, this one faaarrrr out of our price range, and I'm starting to wonder if this is personal? They all know full well we could never afford this, so I'm just wondering if they're doing it on purpose because they don't want us around?*

Not only that, but every time I have to press "not going" on a party invite, and then see all the pictures from the party on social media later, it makes me feel like shit for days.

I don't want to ditch my friends, but, I'm starting to wonder why I still talk to them?

disclaimer I've suffered from severe depression, ADHD and anxiety for years, so I find judging proper emotions and reactions to things difficult to judge

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 26/02/2018 08:49

It sounds like they are simply not willing to do cheap events now that they all have so much money to spare. It's not malicious, exactly - more thoughtless.
Definitely step back (without any aggro) and look for more friends.

ferntwist · 26/02/2018 08:52

Aha! It sounds like somewhere people are more likely to splash their cash. Are you based there permanently or will you be coming back to the UK?

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/02/2018 08:55

I thought the idea of going to the middle East countries was to earn as much as you could. Bank as much as you can and get the hell out of there

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:55

ferntwist permanently for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 08:56

I thought the idea of going to the middle East countries was to earn as much as you could. Bank as much as you can and get the hell out of there

That's what everyone plans and no one does! Wink

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/02/2018 09:39

I guess the friendship group has just moved on. They have developed a lifestyle they enjoy and don't want to compromise on. You're unable to partake in that lifestyle to the extent they do, so are drifting away as you're not able to join social events with them.

You said two came to your kids party, maybe have small breakaway groups, where you do some things together and not others.

DenPerry · 26/02/2018 10:09

At least you still see them 5 times a year when they have kids parties, it's not like they've cut you out. It's nice that they're still inviting you rather than not.
I would just meet up individually with them of you want to see them instead of these grand occasions.

And ha! We lived in the Middle East and came back poorer than we'd ever been Grin Life was expensive (and that was with rent and car paid for) and wages shit because we were classes as locals instead of expats.
But yeah lots of people do go to earn their fortune and intend to return home after a few years, but end up staying as the life is good and it's a beautiful place. A lot of people aren't expecting to love it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/02/2018 10:11

The issue being you are in a foreign country where rules regulations and laws can change at any time so you need an "escape" plan as nothing lasts forever and if one of their dhs lost their job tomorrow they could be on the plane home by the end of the week. Then where would they go.

No job means no rented house short term and no money means no place to live.

Friend is out in the ME. Doesn't spend any money unnecessarily.
Plan is 2 years and then back to the UK .

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 26/02/2018 10:19

They sound like a bunch of show offs. I wouldn't spend £160/head on my own 40th birthday let alone anyone else's.

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/02/2018 10:22

Ah, being in Dubai makes more sense.

Frankly, they have given up a lot to be there, friends, family at home, social network, familiarity with life, being able to cope being outdoors in the middle of summer etc. The only 'up side' to moving is the money - many people do go and try to maintain a similar lifestyle as in UK, bank as much as possible, with the long term plan of moving 'home' after a few years with enough to clear the mortgage/international experience so can jump the career ladder.

Others go with the intension of having a higher lifestyle than they could manage back home. Neither is wrong as such. (Many people I know who fall in the later category didn't come back to the UK afterwards, but moved on to another part of the world, for them it's about the life experiences)

If your DCs are school aged, are they not meeting up with friends at the weekends so you can try to make friends with their parents?

UrgentScurryfunge · 26/02/2018 10:23

I've come to the conclusion that there are lifestyle friends and soul friends. The soul friends are the ones with longevity and just connect no matter about time or distance. They are pretty rare.

The lifestyle friends are more common and are the people where you get on well but around a common point in life e.g. colleagues, families of a certain age. They can be more intense when it works for everyone but often they don't survive when that lifestyle changes. That's fairly clear cut if someone moves on from work, but can be difficult if it's a more gentle evolution of change as is the case here.

See if you can focus on a more personal friendship with the couple that are more amenable rather than the whole group.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 11:01

If your DCs are school aged, are they not meeting up with friends at the weekends so you can try to make friends with their parents?

DC's are 6 & 4, so not really going anywhere on the weekend. It's hard with school friends as well, as there are so many different cultures, so DC"s friends parents, while perfectly nice, might not be the "meet up at a pub for a Pint on a Saturday" type people....

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 26/02/2018 11:09

You could invite some of your DCs friends over to your house for a playdate and invite their parents to join you for a coffee while they play...

Just an idea to try to expand the people you are meeting up with regularly.

Do you work for a large organisation? Joined any clubs/groups? It's hard when you are living overseas, or even just in any place where you didnt grow up/lived for a long time so you don't have 'heritage friends' to fall back on. I'd work on expanding the numbers of people you know, in a hope you find some new people you click with. accept this group is going off in a direction you can't keep up with.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2018 11:20

Sorry, but youre wanting your friends to not celebrate their milestone birthday in a way that they want and can afford, just so that one of their friends can join in? That's unreasonable.

jellycat1 · 26/02/2018 11:51

Totally agree with Bluntness
Also would say I'm also currently living overseas and the best advice I've heard (quite a lot) is cast your net wide. People come and go and there's a temporary feel to life that mean these situations do come about more.
But most of all - Life is too short to allow other people's actions or inaction to make you feel shit. This situation is NOT going to change OP. And neither are your feelings about it. Start casting that net and meeting new people.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 26/02/2018 12:01

Sorry, but youre wanting your friends to not celebrate their milestone birthday in a way that they want and can afford, just so that one of their friends can join in? That's unreasonable.

That's not what I said at all.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/02/2018 12:17

That's not what I said at all

To be fair, it actually is. Read your op again. You're asking if they are all have their birthday parties in the way they wish and can afford as a deliberate means of excluding you and asking why you still talk to them because of it.

GrannyGrissle · 26/02/2018 12:41

£168 pp for a meal? For one person? Fuck me siddways! I was going to say just accept the invites you can afford and keep inviting them to do cheaper stuff too. DD4 much prefers a visit to the local park/a picnic/a run about in the woods/anything involving glue and paint over a fancy day out every time, but if they spend that much on a meal (and think it's ok to invite you) I think we'd probably drift apart as that to me is a different world (and i'm not skint).

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/02/2018 16:27

A few months ago dp received a text from one of his friends showing the bill from a restaurant his friend and another of his friends had gone to (dp and a few others were invited but it was too expensive. Not that they couldn't afford it but they would rather spend their money on something else).

It was for a considerable sum.

Dp and all his friends who didn't go,when they saw it all said the first word that came to mind was "d**kheads"

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 27/02/2018 04:24

To be fair, it actually is. Read your op again. You're asking if they are all have their birthday parties in the way they wish and can afford as a deliberate means of excluding you and asking why you still talk to them because of it.

Sorry if it comes across like that. I used this current birthday party as an example. But it's much more than birthday parties, it's weekend outings, Christmas dinner. Basically everything we try to plan as a group ends up being some extravagant outing. Of course they are welcome to celebrate their birthday's however they want and shouldn't change it just for us, however, it's the birthdays on top of a lot of other things.

OP posts:
Johnnycomelately1 · 27/02/2018 05:15

Hey OP I used to live in Dubai. Now live elsewhere aka "Asia lite".

Don't want to accuse you of drip feeding because I don't think it was deliberate but I think the fact that you all are expats (albeit fairly long term ones) is relevant because generally I have found these friendships to be more "of circumstance" than friendships back home. I'm also very aware that expats can tend to adopt a lifestyle of "max affordability" compared to what they'd be doing at home, especially now that the days of Dubai being a hardship posting are long gone and people are more frequently deciding to make a life there.

In short, I dont think it's personal in that they dont like you and are doing things that are unaffordable so that you wont come. I think it's that they want to live a certain lifestyle while they can and that takes precedence over the friendship.

That doesnt really help you, I know, but yes, all I can advise is to try and find some more "you" friends (which again, as an expat I know sucks when you've been in country for years)

Pannacott · 27/02/2018 06:02

It's painful to think, but maybe they think they have grown apart and don't see you as part of the group for some reason. Not necessarily because they are arranging expensive things that you can't join in with, but because they are declining or otherwise not attending cheaper things that you initiate. They didn't come to your child's birthday party.

It's really horrible when stuff like this happens, it's painful and sad and a bit humiliating. But, there you go. Back off a bit and start doing some things you enjoy to occupy your time. Exercise? An evening class? Am dram? Charity work? Something not necessarily socially oriented, but with people. There must also be apps like Mush, or Meet Ups at weekends for people with families to hang out together.

cambodianfoxhound · 27/02/2018 09:38

It kind of all makes sense now you have said you are an expat. I am not sure what it is - but the tendency for extravagant social lives seems to go hand in hand with the ex-pat life.

People do stuff they would never dream of doing at home - spending all Saturday or Sunday afternoons at champagne brunches... Champagne in hotel bars... In the UK I would never have dreamed of buying a bottle of Champagne in a bar or restaurant.

I prefer the low key life myself but so many group organised events often lead to 'private dining', all you can eat and drink packages and the like..

It won't be personal, they have just been completely sucked into the expat lifestyle.

Original poster
TheHulksPurplePants · 27/02/2018 09:51

It won't be personal, they have just been completely sucked into the expat lifestyle.

It's funny, back when we were all struggling they made fun of that lifestyle. Now it's all they do.

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 27/02/2018 10:02

Yep being expats is very much relevant. Grew up in a different part of the world but again the expat lifestyle is based around certain things i.e. this ability to earn. More/live a different kind of lifestyle to that which they would be able to live at home.

It’s often one of the reasons why expats are drawn together, because the locals generally don’t live like that and these kinds of venues are explicitly designed with expats with money to burn in mind....