To start wondering if it's personal?

[TheHulksPurplePants]

I'll try to keep this short, and honestly, I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm being unreasonable.

6 years ago, when DS was born, I became friends with a group of other first time Mums (there are 5 of us altogether in the group), and we became quite close, always making weekend plans with each other that included the DH"s and the kids, etc, all decided to have DC # 2 around the same time, all of us Working Mum's, so a lot in common, etc.

For the first few years money was tight for all of us, so we used to do a lot of play dates at each others houses, camping, cheap meals out.

However, over the last couple of years they've all started earning more and, vicariously, spending more. So play dates and cheap meals became expensive day trips, fancy restaurants. Moreover, the birthday parties have gotten more and more extravagant. DH and I just can't keep up.

I've just had to decline yet another birthday party, this one faaarrrr out of our price range, and I'm starting to wonder if this is personal? They all know full well we could never afford this, so I'm just wondering if they're doing it on purpose because they don't want us around?*

Not only that, but every time I have to press "not going" on a party invite, and then see all the pictures from the party on social media later, it makes me feel like shit for days.

I don't want to ditch my friends, but, I'm starting to wonder why I still talk to them?

disclaimer I've suffered from severe depression, ADHD and anxiety for years, so I find judging proper emotions and reactions to things difficult to judge

For 40th birthdays I'm not surprised that they want to go somewhere really nice. Its unfortunate you can't afford it but I don't think you shld take it personally. It doesn't sound like they choose somewhere expensive specifically to exclude you.

Maybe reach out to the one you get on best with and ask her round for coffee. Ask them all round for a bowl of pasta. Be a bit more proactive with inviting them to stuff.

Being a 40th birthday does make a difference I think.

If they are good friends with lots of disposable income I would just say to them. “We would love to come on the day but really can’t afford that price.” Can we take you to

And no I don’t think it is personal.

They don’t seem to want your friendship that much unfortunately. I occasionally go to lunch with a group of friends. One of them suggested a more upmarket place and I said another, who was not present may not be able to afford it. That’s how friendships work.

In my 40's now and wouldn't ask guests to pay to come out to a birthday meal I arranged. If you really like these people I echo a pp to suggest a drink another time with the person celebrating?

But they do sound quite cliquey. Do they have other friends outside of the group?

Do you all still do fun family things together? Are they affordable? Dc at same school?

Things change I'm afraid, but the good news is you can make new friends. I wouldn't pay £160 ph either for someone else's bday or a night out even if I could afford it.

Have you tried arranging something?

If you were my friend and I knew you wouldn't be able to afford it I would offer to cover the costs for you as I would want them there.
They aren't psychic and don't know your finances. Rather than clicking 'no' why not send a message and say sorry but you really cannot stretch to that much, but you hope they have a good birthday.
I don't think you are 'important' enough for them to think of you when booking a party. As in, you are a friend like others but they consider all their friends by inviting them iyswim?
I don't think it's personal in a nutshell. Don't fall out because of money. Just tell them you can't afford it or it looks like you are pulling away from them which you aren't.
40th birthdays are big celebrations for a lot of people. I'm sorry you feel how you do, but you are wrong to be offended at their intentions, because I don't think they mean to exclude you xxx

Why don’t you try organising a cheap /cheerful night out. Curry, pizza or the like. If they don’t come, say, as they won’t think it worth booking babysitters for that - then you will know where you stand. Or if they come and have a great time they might realise it doesn’t always have to be fancy to be a good night out.
I had the same problem with a group of single friends. They were spending more and more on nights out whereas I just wanted a good laugh and a catchy up over drinkable red and a bowl of pasta. So I skip most of their expensive nights out and organise down-to-earth get togethers.
40th or not I think it’s pretty selfish to organise super expensive birthday parties.

Do they have other friends outside of the group? Yes, but not many. I don't actually have any other friends.

Do you all still do fun family things together? Are they affordable? Dc at same school? No not really, we went camping two months ago. No our DC aren't at the same school.

Have you tried arranging something?

Yes, but they usually don't come.

They aren't psychic and don't know your finances

They do know my finances. Quite well. As I said before, I lost my job in August and things were very tight. We talk all the time (on-going FB Messenger chat) and they know my money worries.

If you were my friend and I knew you wouldn't be able to afford it I would offer to cover the costs for you as I would want them there.
And if you were my friend and tried to do that I would feel patronised by you.

They aren't psychic and don't know your finances.
Starlight - they do because the op has told them she can't afford it.

Hello I'm new here and this is my first post. I hope I don't say anything wrong! I agree that they are entitled to go where they like to celebrate, but not to include you on another cheaper 2nd event, maybe just coffee or a playpark, seems odd.

We always include our friends who can't afford the initial do , at a second do.

If I were you I'd feel hurt too. They don't seem to care whether you're there or not.

I hope that makes sense.

Get some cheaper more grounded mates, I had the friend group that turned into champagne guzzlers when I was 21 drinking expensive bubbly doesn't make you bright or posh left the group found my own that like drinking tea and eating takeaways never been happier Ditch them but make nothing of it. Be a lonely few months but you will get there.

I wouldn’t leave the FB group in a huff or anything like that. But I’d maybe step back a bit and start building relationships with other possible friends.

Op - whether they're doing this out of malice or thoughtlessness it sounds like you've done everything you can so probably time to let go.

It shouldn't be like this. I go out for meals with a group of friends and I was mortified when we went somewhere on my suggestion and one of my friends grumbled about it being a bit expensive (after we'd got there). I felt like I'd been really insensitive and think about my suggestions much more carefully now. For me it's about catching up with old friends, not where we go.

I'm sorry but I think you need to bin them and find new friends. They don't sound very nice people.

They're 40th birthdays.

That makes it even worse. By 40, everyone I know was picking up the tab for all the invitees. It’s just polite.

Obviously, it means most people can’t afford the £160-per-head places, but they cut their cloth.

OP, they are not friends. They are women you became friendly with because you shared something in common and that got you together. Take away that commonality and the 'friendship' goes.

I became friend with a 4 other ladies when our kids started reception. I was the only single mum and as such, I wasn't always able to get childcare arranged when they organised a child-free evening. I will always remember the day they organised going to a restaurant, and when I said I couldn't join, they said never mind, we'll cancel the restaurant, order chinese and come to you. That was 12 years ago. These are friends.

I would start looking at expanding your circle and meet new friends.

Sounds like you’re getting very little from this current ‘friendship’ group. Just back away.

There is a thing that advertisers to, is that they try to "sell a lifestyle" - so people think if they buy, say, Farrow and Ball paint, they will have the lifestyle they see in the adverts.

Sounds to me like these people want the "we've got young children but it doesn't stop us from enjoying ourselves," lifestyle, which they see celebs doing. They don't want anything - even you, a friend - to bust that bubble. Sorry.

I agree you have drifted apart and should try hard to find some other more like minded, down to earth friends who want to go to affordable places to catch up. I have left a group of friends in the past for similar reasons - all they wanted to do was go to glamorous expensive events dressed up to the nines and take selfies all night - and it wasn't my idea of fun so I just opted out and they didn't really care or make an effort to stay in touch. No hard feelings on either side. Am happier doing low budget stuff with people who are less concerned with appearances. Hope you meet some other more suited friends too.

A slightly different perspective perhaps, but these sound like people who are new to money iyswim and are dazzled by it hence spending it like it’s water.

Honestly regularly spending £160 per person for a restaurant is not the norm, and it’s likely that they’ll wake up one day and realise that they’ve spent out and have nothing to show for it.

I genuinely wouldn’t let your friendship be defined by where you have parties, because reality is that once their 40th’s are over they’ll have to go back to living normally, so all you’ve missed out on is a couple of over priced dinners, and most of that price will have been for drink not food.

And another reality is that friendships which started out with children as their basis very rarely have lasting power anyway.

FWIW my eXH earns a six figure salary and we used to live in an area where it would have been possible to dine out at that rate, and we didn’t. in fact he was more dazzled by the cost of expensive things while he was climbing the ladder to earning the kind of money to be able to afford them iyswim but once he was there although we lived a good lifestyle it seemed very much like money wasted.

They will very likely come back down to earth at some point.

Our income is far from some of the people we know but they would never suggest such an expensive place and regularly. They'd arrange something that is inclusive of lower income friends too even if it was a separate event.

It may be that they like having you around but more to shove it in your face. How insensitive to keep on going on about it? I'm sure they have plenty of other events they go to when you're not there where they can talk about it.

I too was on a nice little group but soon realised it was all on the face and behind the scenes was a different story. It wasn't healthy so I left it. I'm much happier now.

I'd say just keep telling them you're busy with other arrangements in a way to move out of this friendship group. It could be that they don't even have the money and are getting into debt, who knows but they should be paying for the guests and not expecting you to have £160+ for each meal.

It seems more of a keeping up appearances thing now and it's not worth the heartbreak for you. Step away. It's okay not to have friends but I'm sure you'll find more meaningful once eventually when you use that free time to perhaps meet other more like minded people.

If the older DC are 6 and at different schools I'd make the effort to get to know parents at your DC's school - this is the perfect age for it. I wouldn't flounce from the group as you can never have too many friends but perhaps start to distance yourself, it may even happen naturally as you & they start to find new circles as the DC get older.

I don’t think I have quite understood, OP. Are you saying that all of the other 4 have the kind of disposable income to throw hundreds on one meal? Are you the only one unable to afford this- or worse, could some of the others be in a situation where they are going along with it but can’t actually afford it?

What do you do on your big birthdays?

This is extravagant- how is it that they all suddenly have this huge boost in income?

I doubt it’s personal, particularly not if they come to your meals, but I just wonder whether they can all really afford it or are just pretending to...