To start wondering if it's personal?

[TheHulksPurplePants]

I'll try to keep this short, and honestly, I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm being unreasonable.

6 years ago, when DS was born, I became friends with a group of other first time Mums (there are 5 of us altogether in the group), and we became quite close, always making weekend plans with each other that included the DH"s and the kids, etc, all decided to have DC # 2 around the same time, all of us Working Mum's, so a lot in common, etc.

For the first few years money was tight for all of us, so we used to do a lot of play dates at each others houses, camping, cheap meals out.

However, over the last couple of years they've all started earning more and, vicariously, spending more. So play dates and cheap meals became expensive day trips, fancy restaurants. Moreover, the birthday parties have gotten more and more extravagant. DH and I just can't keep up.

I've just had to decline yet another birthday party, this one faaarrrr out of our price range, and I'm starting to wonder if this is personal? They all know full well we could never afford this, so I'm just wondering if they're doing it on purpose because they don't want us around?*

Not only that, but every time I have to press "not going" on a party invite, and then see all the pictures from the party on social media later, it makes me feel like shit for days.

I don't want to ditch my friends, but, I'm starting to wonder why I still talk to them?

disclaimer I've suffered from severe depression, ADHD and anxiety for years, so I find judging proper emotions and reactions to things difficult to judge

It's not just expats though. Disparity in disposable incomes is quite common in friendship groups.

Our group of eight, two have very low disposable incomes. We do a lot of home entertaining (they don't reciprocate ) and it costs them nothing, they come along and have fun. It also doesn't cost them anything to eat or drink all night. They will bring a low cost bottle of wine, often nothing. None of us care.

We also do other things, like go to concerts where tickets cost in the region of eighty quid a head. Or go for long weekends away. Sometimes they come, most often they don't. It doesn't stop us doing the things we want to do, but as said we don't only do expensive stuff. Are they considered good friends, yes, but maybe more on the outskirts of the group and they are always invited.

Where as I don't think it should stop you doing what you want, I can see how friendships that are not strong can drift away if the main group want to do something and others can't afford it. Our friendships go back a long way so they won't drift. The ops seem more circumstantial

I call where i live, the Emerald City as at times it feels so far removed from real life. Not for the locals of course but for the expats. I think once an ex-pat is financially comfortable it is very easy for this to occur. A lot of others who are not financial comfortable end up with financial problems if they are not careful.

It sounds utterly ridiculous but when prices are in a different currency (even after years and years in the place) - it doesn't seem as real as in cold hard pounds.

When I come back to the UK, I will shudder at the price of a starbucks coffee for example - but when I do the conversion I realise I actually pay more where I live. It just doesn't seem more.

I actually have huge respect for you not having got sucked into this. Stay real. Honestly, you sound the normal ones.

I would feel as u do. If it was important to them that you are there (and it should be when you're part of the group) then i wpuld think they would arrange something still nice but cheaper. I know i would if i really wanted someone there. It would be more important to have them there than wanting to go to certain place. By going to these places it seems they know you won't go so get to look nice by inviting you without actually having you there.... I could be wrong but that's how I would see it.

OP been where you are. Forget meeting up - what were your friends like when you were out of work or having another adversity in life? Were they there for you? If so then perhaps they are friends but are selfish. But if they didn't empathize and carried on with their extravagances regardless, then they are just there for a good time and are not real friends. It's not personal - they just don't care enough

what were your friends like when you were out of work or having another adversity in life?

They were there for me, listened and offered advice. However, ten minutes later they'd be talking about their next expensive holiday. So it's really 50/50 there.

I doubt very much that it's personal, I think you just have to accept that the rest of them have ended up with much more disposable income than you and your DH and they like to spend it quite extravagantly. I

It's not very pleasant having to witness this going on and feel a bit shit about your own inability to keep up with it, that's a perfectly understandable emotion on your part but they aren't really doing anything wrong.

Are you closer to one or two of them than the rest? If so, I'd suggest you tell them how you feel, say you completely understand that they want to do these expensive things are you appreciate the invitation but that you just can't manage it. Suggest that from time to time they might like to do something more low key and affordable, like a barbecue at home or a Sunday walk in a country park and then a stop off at a nice pub or something, so you and your family can continue to be part of things.

If they are good friends they will understand and probably already be aware that things are tougher for you financially than for them.

The ops seem more circumstantial

I don't think we're circumstantial. We may have met in that way, but these are probably the closest friendships I've ever had. We've been there for each other through surprise pregnancies, deaths of parents, my job loss, etc. It's just that now I feel I'm being left out.

I think a lot of this is that I'm feeling just very down in general right now. Might be time to re-look at my meds.

Time to cut your losses. It's hard to find friends in an artificial expat bubble, but I would look for compatible people among your children's schoolmates to start with, and then maybe people you meet at the gym, etc. Don't rule people out on the basis that they might not be Saturday pub people. Expand your own horizons. Look for evidence of empty heads and brass necks before moving on to the next candidate. Your current friends have both in spades.

Ah. Just realised you live in Dubai. I agree with everything Johnny just posted.

These expensive birthday outings are probably Friday Brunches then. Yes it can get monumentally expensive and the cost of living is already pretty high. And I know first hand how difficult it can be finding cheap activities and entertainment that don't revolve around five star hotels and shopping malls.

I think you should spread your net a bit wider and try to find some other friends who are more like minded and not Brunch and expensive restaurant obsessed. Start trying to encourage more home based things, either with them or with new people. I know it's hard to make a new crowd of friends, especially when you've been there a while and can't stomach all the newbie meet-ups, but you might just have to bight the bullet and do it.

My crowd do brunch maybe once a month on average, but we do lots of home based parties and get togethers as well. I get sick to death of the hotel scene and it's not a financial issue with me, just a case of boredom with the whole thing.

Be honest with your friends about wanting to see them at things that are not hotel based. if they are good friends they will understand. Perhaps invite them to something at yours.

On the other hand, if you really feel they are deliberately giving you a wide berth it might be because your mental health is not as well managed as it could be. Or because they are showy gits who only want to mix with people who are seen to flash the cash from now on.

Maybe it's time to look elsewhere for your next posting?

Bite not bight. God knows where that came from.

Actually, there's me banging on about hotels and of course in Dubai you don't need to go to a hotel to get a drink and a decent meal. But you get the gist of what I am saying.

These expensive birthday outings are probably Friday Brunches then.

In this case it's a bloody private dining room at a posh restaurant. Usually it's the most expensive brunch they can find.

Maybe it's time to look elsewhere for your next posting? Not here as a posting, I'm a bit of an expat brat, all of my close family, and DH's close family are in Qatar. And in the industry I'm currently in, this is the place to be, there's no where else in the world doing what the UAE is doing.

That's difficult.

Really curious to know what the industry is though, and wondering if I know any of your or DH's family.

I can't say on a public forum I'm afraid. :P

Depending on how long you've been in Qatar, you may know DH & I. :)

Of course not, I wouldn't expect you to.

I've been here more than 5 years, less than 10 (being mysterious) but I can't think of anyone with young children I know personally who has gone to Dubai from here.

Although if we sat down over a coffee and thrashed it out I bet we'd have a six degrees of separation thing going in a matter of minutes, such as it is here!

The children were born in Dubai. We had them after we moved here 7 years ago. Yes, I'm sure we'd have mutual acquaintances, Doha just isn't that big!

I don’t think they’re doing it to deliberately exclude you, but it’s inconsiderate

Plus not many would relish a 40th where you had to pay that much as so many are used to parties where the party giver pays