To be annoyed that DP just spent more on a guitar than he did on my engagement ring?

[thiskittenbarks]

We got engaged at Christmas so not particularly long ago. I didn't mean to look at the receipt for the ring at all but DP has a habit of leaving everything on the stairs for months on end. I was clearing the stairs recently and found a bag and almost binned it and then I thought I'd better check the receipts in there to make sure it wasn't anything important and it was the paperwork and receipt for the ring.
He already had a guitar that cost more than the ring but he's had that for years so I don't feel like I can be mad about that. But he came home with another one this weekend and when he told me how much it cost I went all funny and it was pretty obvious I was annoyed. He doesn't know I know how much the ring cost so I guess he just thinks annoyed about how much he spent on it in general. To be fair to him it was what he bought with his "birthday money". But I still feel quite peeved about it. He has 9 guitars now. I do love my ring but I feel like I'm looking at it in a different way since he came home with the new guitar. I know I shouldn't be such a princess, but I have but AIBU to be annoyed?
For context we are pretty financially comfortable but are currently looking for a new house and also planning the wedding so more savings would definitely be useful. We have been together 10 years and have 1 DC and another on the way.
I might go and buy myself a ridiculously extravagant present for my birthday next week!

OP Several posters have asked you how much you spend on HIS engagement ring. Or a present to mark the engagement. But you've not answered. I could understand you missing one poster asking that but several? So perhaps it would help if I put it in bold type.

OP - how much did you spend on HIS engagement ring?

Unless he bought an Ibanez, YANBU.

Wannabe clever comments about a man's engagement ring aren't going to help. You know full well the OP didn't buy a ring, and you know that most men wouldn't wear one. It's tradition and it's what society does in this part of the world. If you don't like it, because it IS unfair these days when things are more equal, campaign to change it (or do as my friend's husband did, and propose but say, "I'm not buying you a ring").

(And for the record, I got a smashing ring that I love to bits - and DP got an Audi Chelsea tractor!!)

Is buying a man an engagement ring a thing now? Was hard enough persuading dh to wear a wedding ring.

Beep Or an engagement present, someone else enquired. Bollocks to "tradition". "Tradition" would have been to got engaged many years ago, not after ten years of being a couple, living together, having one child and with another on the way. I assume the OP's bloke also asked permission of her father for her hand in marriage, seeing as that is also "tradition".

By the way, all "tradition" is bullshit. People should of course do what they want but it's astonishing how many women come on MN who are all for equality and parity but get arsey because their bloke hasn't asked them to marry him and refuse to do it themselves because it's "expected" or "I'm old fashioned" (almost all the ones saying they are old fashioned have already given birth to said bloke's kids).

Shouldn't need to "campaign". And if a bloke chooses not to wear a ring, fair enough. Get him a present to show the engagement means just as much to you. The OP could have bought him another guitar

To be fair, if he were my DP, 8 of the buggers would have gone on the wood burner.

Are you a famous rock star?

If the answer is anything other than yes, you do not need 9 noisy dust gathering musical instruments!!

A good instrument, for somebody who is into music, is a vital part of their life and quality really makes a massive difference. An engagement doesn't get better because the ring is more expensive.

Why shouldn't 'family' money be spent on hobbies? If all money is expected to become family money, how else is someone supposed to fund their hobby? Are people expected to give up hobbies when they have partners/children?

The OP says that they are financially comfortable, so even if the guitar was bought with family money, what is the issue??

The unreasonable response to the guitar is purely greed on the OPs part. She was perfectly happy with her ring before - will all future purchases need to be exactly equal to stop her sulking??

As I mentioned in my post, my DP has massively expensive hobbies and buys equipment for them any chance he can. I love to read, so order far too many books from Amazon - my book collection is probably 100 times bigger than my DP's board collection but cost a fraction of the price.

Should I spent 1000's of pounds on something else to even out the spending?

If we have a joint hobby budget of £500 per month and I only spend £50 on books, why do I need an equal share of the £500 when the remaining £450 would enable my DP to go on a surf trip or buy some piece of equipment to enable him to enjoy his hobby?

I get far more enjoyment from a book than i would a snowboard. Money doesn't always need to be divided equally for 2 adults to gain equal enjoyment from spending it.

Kubex - but there's a difference between insisting on a 50/50 split and simply spending a large sum without discussing it with your partner first, surely.

Why would you need to discuss how you spend your birthday present? Ridiculous.

I totally understand how this is annoying.

But how much? A few quid? Double?

Is he a professional or is this a hobby?

Before you knew how much the guitar was did you think the ring was 'enough'.?

On the face of it op YABU. However knowing the cost etc would put things in better context. Do you have separate finances? How much was the ring? How much was the guitar? How much birthday money did he spend on it and did he top it up?

My issue if I had one would not be that he spent more on the guitar. We have lots of stuff which cost more than my engagement ring. However if he is spending money which you think he shouldn’t because you are saving up etc then that’s your issue.

As for you choosing a pram as a gift, was this from your family? I don’t think thats unreasonable if you wanted a more expensive one than you would otherwise be able to have. That would be for your pleasure, not the baby.

Op - I sympathise and to be quite honest, I would be livid.

Can you say how much he spent in the ring though - e.g. £100 and the guitar was £5,000? Or was the ring £5,000 and the guitar £5,500? Nobody can really say otherwise.

If money isn't tight then YABU. I wonder if you resent the fact that he is passionate about something other than your wonderful self. Musicians buy instruments. Musicians care about their instruments and about music. If you can't handle that, it's not a great idea to be in a relationship with a musician.
Have you got any hobbies or interests of your own? Or are you the sort of ostentatiously vacant, passive woman who refuses to ask for gifts and piously bangs on about needing things for the house or the DC rather than for herself, while seething away that whoever she says this to takes it at face value?

If you’re that bothered, buy yourself a more expensive engagement ring. Good grief.

OK, I'm calling bullshit on this.

Kitten Can you please explain something please? On this thread you say that you've been together 10 years and that you earn more than him. Yet bizarrely on Xmas Eve you were on here complaining about his lack of proposal in a thread entitled "AIBU to no longer want to get married and to want the kids to have my name?"

In that thread are found the following phrases:

I've said on numerous occasions I would be happy with a very inexpensive ring

I work PT and earn about the same as him

and you repeatedly say you've been together 7 years.

Those facts seem totally at odds with this thread where you've been together three years, now earn far more than he does, and actually really do give a stuff about wanting an expensive ring.

What a vile post. My engagement ring cost £25 as we were skint when he bought it. It means everything to me - who actually cares about how much things cost? So glad I'm not materialistic like that.

My DH is a guitarist too. He has about 12 and they all do different things. I'd much rather him upgrade a guitar with HIS BIRTHDAY MONEY that he should spend on himself than worry about a ring.

@beepthemeep why would he have to discuss how he spends his birthday money?

What if instead of cash, he had been gifted the guitar? Should he have sold it and put the cash in a joint pot?

To the user above I used to spend a lot more on my hobby than DH did on his. I had a horse and rode competitively (livery, lessons, transport, entry fees, the cost was horrendous), DH plays football at £5 a week. He accepted that was part of me and who I am and when we got married and pooled finances we did it with that in mind. I think it's an over simplification to say that no woman spends as much on her hobbies as a man does.

Well I certainly would. I just think it's fair. In our house the discussion would normally go, "what shall I do with the cash dad gave me for Christmas?"

DP: "whatever you like, it's your money."

But I would still ask him, and I'd usually end up buying something for both of us or buying him a treat too. As much as anything else, my family are v comfortably off and his aren't at all, so i wouldn't want to rub it in his face if I got a grand to spend from my dad and he got a tenner from his mum. I just don't think it makes for a very equal partnership if you ringfence cash. That's why I said that's the bit that would bother me.

But it's only my view. Other people are entitled to theirs!

I'd be well pissed off if we gave any of our kids money for their birthday and discovered they hadn't spent it on themselves. It would be the last time we gave them cash.

I'd be well pissed off if my father gave me cash and dictated how I should spend it....

Beep I agree that pooling salaries is right but I do tend to think birthday money is individual money. But based on my last post I'm thinking it's all a bit odd anyway.

Shatner - to be fair, if you'd posted an AIBU saying, "I asked my wife what I should spend my birthday money on, and she said "new blinds for the bathroom, AIBU not to want to spend my birthday money on that," I may well have thought YANBU! I just think it's polite to ask.

Perhaps if you have similar incomes/backgrounds, or if you had the discussion at the outset and both agree that birthday money belongs to the individual, it's different. My DP would always say it's yours, but I'd always want to split it anyway; I'd just feel like a selfish partner spending lots on myself and not on us/him.

Agreed that the background sounds a bit odd - maybe OP changes some details to try and stay anonymous, but then forgets?

Seriously? My engagement ring cost 80gbp. I love it. It's not about the cost of the ring but the meaning of it.

I have spent way more on my hobbies than I have on stuff for dh, and vice versa. As long as he isn't spending more money on guitars than you have, then what's the issue?