AIBU Husband vs Wife - 1 working, 1 SAHP

[StuntPineapple]

Please settle something for me and the husband.

One of us is a stay at home parent of a 2.5yr old and the second is a full time employee working 50+ hours a week.

Is the money earned

1. The earnees
2. The SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly and fairly between the two.

Also if the working parent was to earn a bonus would that bonus be

1. Solely the earnees
2. Solely the SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly between the two with an emphasis on a couple of treats for the earnee

Thoughts?

Yes precisely guineapig. It’s so frustrating!

Can we please stop the bullshit about a successful person requiring a SAHP though?

It should be rephrased. The reality is that two very successful (or even moderately successful) people (if you're talking City, corporate law, senior business, consultant medics etc) will require a nanny and a nanny to cover that nanny. Or a nanny and a live in au pair. And neither will see very much of their chiildren during their waking hours. Which is a perfectly valid choice, but not everyone wishes to make. I didn't. But I probably do express it in terms of "we needed one of us at home" rather than "neither of us wanted our children to be looked after by nannies for long periods of time" because I don't want to cause offence to others who either a) don't have the same choices I have or b) have made a different set of decisions.

It should be rephrased. The reality is that two very successful (or even moderately successful) people (if you're talking City, corporate law, senior business, consultant medics etc) will require a nanny and a nanny to cover that nanny.

I don’t agree. I think that men (mostly) keep this idea going because it suits them to bow out of child rearing. I am one of the things on your list. Me x two would not require a nanny - I’d need some wrap around if second me wanted to work exact same hours.

Seems some people are taking out their feelings on a stranger who merely posted her dh thoughts.

Men can reach the top of their careers while married to a working wife.

Women can reach the top of their career while married to a working husband.

My dh feels he's done very well as I stayed at home. He hasn't said he couldn't have done it if I worked. He is merely expressing his gratitude that my job became the home and children.

It takes nothing away from anyone else. Stop being so sensitive.

And for the record dh never ducked out of child caring. The minute he walked in the door he got stuck in.

The reality is that two very successful (or even moderately successful) people (if you're talking City, corporate law, senior business, consultant medics etc) will require a nanny and a nanny to cover that nanny.

Rather a sweeping assumption. Both myself and DH are very much in this salary bracket and both of us work from home, for ourselves.

YearOfYouRemember

I don't see anyone being sensitive, merely pointing out the reality for many people. It's perfectly possible to reach the top in your career as either man or woman without a SAHP.

And for the record dh never ducked out of child caring. The minute he walked in the door he got stuck in.

That’s great - then he’s not what I’m talking about. I’m not anti SAHP at all - DH works very part time! And I’m sorry this probably wasn’t the thread to go off on one. I just feel very passionately that if more men pulled their weight in going for flexible arrangements and not hanging around late for the hell of it then the workplace would be far less toxic. And men would see more of their children which must be a good thing!

I just feel very passionately that if more men pulled their weight in going for flexible arrangements and not hanging around late for the hell of it then the workplace would be far less toxic.

I do agree with you on that; I think you're right that there's both presenteeism and an element of "mess around all day then stay very late so I look v important" which shouldn't be there.

3 & 6 for me.

splendide - I don't think we were disagreeing with each other!

OP - I am a SAHM too and if my DH held even a hint of the attitude yours does, I would consider him abusive, ignorant and warped and I would leave him. No question about it.

You should not have to entertain this crap for one second. I'm sorry

Please don't try and monetise what you do. It implies that being a SAHP is only worth the money it saves - its most definitely not!

For me, the value of my DH being a SAHD (apart from trusting the person looking after our DC) is the complete lack of stress I have around childcare. We did the both of us working FT jobs and I was stressed to the eyeballs, clock watching and panicking about oncall arrangements. Now? Stuck operating - not a problem. Clinic running late - fine. I've been at work since Friday morning and won't return home till tomorrow afternoon, there is no hassle around that.

The money I earn is most definitely not mine alone and neither are additional payments. We have a budget and discuss what's needed. I'd expect my DH would rightfully be very hurt if I thought I was more entitled to spend it than him.

Love the notion that you can 'just get childcare' if both are working. Not always that easy, esp if you need help overnight or not on the same days every week.

One person being a sahp makes life so much easier. Luckily my dh appreciates that his life is a lot less stressful and busy because I sah. Mine is less stressful and busy because I don't have to woh. This only works though, if both people appreciate what they are gaining.
I don't 'get' these relationships where one person doesn't want to share with their life partner - what's the point of getting married?
OP, if your h doesn't appreciate what you are contributing to the family, then my advice is to go back to work and make sure he fully pulls his weight wrt childcare and housework. All too often women end up working ft and taking on the majority of the domestic work. Don't let him do that to you.
Personally, if my dh didn't respect me and resented sharing with me, I'd be gettong a job and my ducks in a row and leaving the relationship.