AIBU Husband vs Wife - 1 working, 1 SAHP

[StuntPineapple]

Please settle something for me and the husband.

One of us is a stay at home parent of a 2.5yr old and the second is a full time employee working 50+ hours a week.

Is the money earned

1. The earnees
2. The SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly and fairly between the two.

Also if the working parent was to earn a bonus would that bonus be

1. Solely the earnees
2. Solely the SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly between the two with an emphasis on a couple of treats for the earnee

Thoughts?

It's odd that you think 3&6, but he thinks that you think 2&5!

If your DH thinks because he works hard and earns the money, then it is all his, then tell him he needs to start paying for childcare and a cleaner and a cook because you are done. You will be job searching full time, which is a job in and of itself, and those other JOBS will need to be covered. Just because you've been happy to do them for free, as the SAHP, doesn't mean they don't have value.

Your DH is an ass. You agreed that you staying home for now was good for your child and your family, and he is pulling the rug out from under you. Call him on his bullshit and tell him to source and arrange childcare while you look for a paying job. Oh, and tell him he will be responsible for getting the child there or home, too. And cover some sick days. It's not all going to fall on you.

I would seriously think about hunting. Anyone who treats his wife and mother of his child in this manner won't behave honorably should your marriage break down. You need to keep your job skills up and find some income of your own. Sorry, but that is the reality of people who behave like this.

If he takes that approach, I would strongly advocate you going back to work and insisting that childcare is a joint enterprise (i.e. he does half the drop-offs / pick-ups, half the child-off-sick days, and half the nursery plays / meet the teachers).

Let him see how easy it is to meet his bonus targets when he's got to arrange his work around his child.

Plus, you don't want to end up in a financially abusive relationship where you have to ask him for some of 'his' money each time you need to buy yourself something.

Smeaton, what a load of rubbish [hmm[

He would have to pay some childcare costs if the OP went to work at the same time but he wouldn't be paying for a chef, cleaner or admin person as you do realise that working adults so all that as well!!

On that basis, he could counter invoice the OP for rent, utilities, food, sanitary protection, clothes etc as she has no income so he is providing for her every need.

You need to get back to work OP. Your DH does not respect your contribution

In my opinion, this isn't about money at all. This is about respect. If it was a joint decision that he works outside the home and you work inside it, then you are both benefitting the family as a whole. His work life balance is only possible because of you. Yours is only possible because of his. Joint work, joint money, joint respect.

I know my opinion isn't popular on here, but I do think my dh, the wohp in our relationship, does deserve more of his earnings than me, the sahp. (He doesn't btw, he's happy to share). This is because 1) he works harder than me (I know this wouldn't be true in all sahp/woh partnerships but it is for ours) and 2) he earns a salary 5 times what i would ever earn regardless of children, because I can't be arsed. 50% of his salary would easily cover childcare/housework so he ends up with less by splitting it with me, rather than paying childcare/cleaner.

It was a joint decision to be a SAHP. So as not to drip feed I do also have some health issues but it was both of our decisions for me to stay home
Is it still the case though? Could he think that now that your child is, or is about to go to nursery, it is time you contributed to and that's why the issue is coming up.

Having been a single parents of two toddlers working FT in a demanding job, I will say that my working weeks were much much harder than the weeks I took as holiday and looked after them FT so I wouldn't consider being a SAHM work, even though it is also tiring.

Go back to work. Fuck this shit.

Or LTB and claim maintenance.

It all depends on two things; agreement and respect. Sounds like you have one and not the other from your DH. If the working parent does not agree nor values the contribution enough that he considers your role in the family as equal then it absolutely cannot work. You need to work as he feels he is the one ‘doing the hard work’ and thinks his role is better than yours.

I had this shite from XH.

I asked him to go part time so I could work (he didn't want DC in childcare) and he soon changed his tune.

3 and 6.

The only exception would be if the SAHP is not really a SAHP but just sitting on their arse and refusing to work - if the children are at school and the working parent is doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, school runs and emotional work. Then the SAHP isn't a SAHP and not pulling their weight and the situation needs re thinking.

If the SAHP does 50 hours per week of working hours childcare for children under school age plus 50% of the childcare when both parents are home, that is "worth" whatever it would cost to pay for 50 hours per week of childcare.

If the SAHP does a disproportionate share of, or all the housework - cleaning, laundry, tidying, cooking, food shopping, shopping for children's clothing and necessities - than that is "worth" whatever it would cost to pay a housekeeper to do the imbalance.

If the SAHP is doing more than 50% of the family admin (filing, paying bills, running errands, dealing with trades people when the boiler breaks, booking holidays and whatever) the imbalance is also "worth" a PA rate for those hours.

Most of the time, having a SAHP "saves" a very substantial amount of money or of time outside work, as compared to what would be required if both parents were working identical hours. Therefore it has a financial value to the family unit.

People saying being a SAHP isn't work because being with your own children should be a pleasure otherwise you are a bad person presumably don't think any job you love is work, and presumably don't think SAHPs should be doing any more than the 50% of drudge work (cooking and cleaning and household admin, grocery shopping, laundry and tidying out cupboards etc. etc) that would be their fair share if both partners worked in full time paid roles.

It sounds like he doesn’t respect you or value what you do for the family. I think you should go back to work. Your situation could easily become a financially abusive one, with the attitude that he has.

Protect yourself.

who gives the SAHP their bonus for works done well

Surely the bonus is the time you get to spend with your kids? Or the free time you get everyday once they're at school? Or just not having to go to work every day? I'm not saying being a SAHP is easy but let's not pretend there's no perks at all.

Plenty of people WOH 40+ hours a week and don't get a "bonus for works done well".

I assume his earnings are not paid into a joint account then?

diddl
I would say he’s more using that op thinks 2&5 as a stick to beat rather than it being reality. The best form of defence being attack and all that. Otherwise he’s projecting how he actually feels onto op.

I think 3&6 obvs.

Does he think you think it's yours because you decide how it's spent e.g. Do the budget and the shopping, sort the bills etc? I think this is what my dh was thinking when we rowed about this... It got better when i showed him the budget and agreed with him where everything was going, he had the chance to say let's get rid of things he didn't think were needed... Obviously that was not much so he soon realised i wasn't spending it 'on myself'.

I find his attitude very odd indeed. A couple with a child, a house etc. Any money coming in should be pooled. There is no yours and mine.

Definitely 3.

Not sure about the bonus. Would depend on a lot of factors ( would the money be critical towards the home/family or just a bully bonus)
In our home it's 6 (I get a percentage of my annual earnings yearly) and we put it towards a summer holiday/spends, husband had had a few unexpected windfalls and also treated himself, me and the children separately and put towards holidays.

I speak as someone who earns very little compared to husband and works very little, but wouldn't be able to support 2 children and 2 adults on my own income.

Depends how you're spending the money really, doesn't it?

Point out to him that by his logic, if it's his money because the out-of-the-house stuff is what he happens to be doing at the moment, then because you happen to be doing the EQUALLY non-optional care for the child bit, then the child is yours, not his.

It's family money, because you're a family. Ask him if he'd rather keep his money and you just not be a family - because that's the other option.

If he's working more than 50 h per week, he may feel resentful about this. Why don't you get a job which should allow him to reduce his hours as well as cover childcare costs. In my opinion, he should be able to use his bonus for treats for himself for working hard.

3 and 6, my DH is the SAHP. Though my view is that some of any bonus should be saved (joint savings) where given a free choice he'd have us spend it all. We compromise.

3 and 7

7 being bonus agreed equally, treats for both.

If fulltime worker is working 50 hours then SAHP is also doing the same. Fulltime worker can only do what they are doing because there is a support system at home that takes care of their share of child raising and whatever else SAHP does.

I'd be strongly considering going back to work fulltime if DH doesn't get with the program, that does not sound like a partnership to me. Oh and DH, if both are working fulltime then you have to take time off to look after a puking kid, take to childcare, grocery shop, go to the drs and all those things that are currently being done for you because now it is shared. Good luck doing 50 hours a week and getting bonuses!