AIBU Husband vs Wife - 1 working, 1 SAHP

[StuntPineapple]

Please settle something for me and the husband.

One of us is a stay at home parent of a 2.5yr old and the second is a full time employee working 50+ hours a week.

Is the money earned

1. The earnees
2. The SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly and fairly between the two.

Also if the working parent was to earn a bonus would that bonus be

1. Solely the earnees
2. Solely the SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly between the two with an emphasis on a couple of treats for the earnee

Thoughts?

All income generated by any part of the family unit belongs to the family unit and should be treated as communal.

Just because the SAHP's contribution is not measured in monetary income does not mean that it is without value.

Both partners provided support for the unit, albeit in different ways.

Family money, as much as the kids are equally theirs even though one is looking after the kids most of the time

But if a reward for works done well.... that belongs to the worker

So who gives the SAHP their bonus for works done well?

3 and 6, plus the working parent's pension needs to be covering the SAHP, or family money should be paying into a separate pension for the SAHP.

Thanks everyone, before I committed to who was who I wanted to test the waters so as not to cloud opinions.

I am the SAHP

It was a joint decision to be a SAHP. So as not to drip feed I do also have some health issues but it was both of our decisions for me to stay home.

I think all money is family money and I am in the 3 and 6 camps.

Argument is about how my husband believes the money is his because he works hard (1&4). He does also believes that I think all the money is mine (2&5).

Bit fed up of being told I spend all HIS money and that I'm ungrateful for what he does give me.

If it was a joint decision for the SAHP to stay at home, then 3 & 6, definitely. I the working parent would prefer having two salaries/to be the SAHP themselves then the answer might be different.

who gives the SAHP their bonus for works done well

Parenting isn't work and it should never need financial bonuses to do it well

3 and 6, You are a 50/50 partnership.

who gives the SAHP their bonus for works done well

Since when is looking after your own kids work??

You could charge him for everything you do at home so that you have your money too, this would be fair if he doesn't want to do 3 and 6.

3 and 6 as long as it is a joint decision that one parent stays at home.

OP, health issues permitting, you need to seriously consider going back to work. Being a SAHP only works if the working parent fully respects the SAHP. This isn’t just about money - it’s a more fundamental thing about how much he appreciates and values your role

3, and 7 because the bonus is family money just as the salary is, and treats for the WOHP are no more important than anything else. So not 6. Which is not to say there can't be any treats, but there's no more of an automatic presumption with a bonus than there is with any other money, and the WOHP doesn't get treat priority.

My last bonus went entirely on house maintenance costs and a family holiday, but c'est la vie.

I think if a couple is arguing about than both should be working

What if it would make them poorer and they can't afford to lose the money, or if suitable childcare isn't available locally? It isn't always a possibility.

Since when is looking after your own kids work??

Oh, you can look after children without working at all? How do you do that then?

It is work. It is labour. It is energy spent. Just because the father isn't paying her to do HIS share of the work, doesn't mean that she isn't working.

Since when is looking after your own kids work??

Since forever.

It is work. It is labour. It is energy spent. Just because the father isn't paying her to do HIS share of the work, doesn't mean that she isn't working

Ok if that’s how you feel.
I was a SAHM for 2 years, it’s not exactly work is it. Raising your own children shouldn’t be a chore.

Argument is about how my husband believes the money is his because he works hard (1&4). He does also believes that I think all the money is mine (2&5).

In that case, tell him that half the money he gets paid for working out of the house needs to be paid for you, as you do his share of the childraising and homekeeping.

And yes, this includes the bonus, because he wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't doing his share of the work that needs to be done at home.

Of course 3 and 6.

But if both of you don't agree you need to go back to work. And he can pick up his share of the domestics and childcare.

who gives the SAHP their bonus for works done well

Surely the bonus is your child's beautiful smile, happy giggles, kisses and cuddles, all the things which parents say outweigh the tantrums and sleepless nights? SAH parenting, which is a choice after all, is not a paid profession.

Go back to work OP
If that's his attitude it will only get worse as the kids get older

fed up of being told I spend all HIS money and that I'm ungrateful for what he does give me

It is his money though, if he opted out of work like you there wouldn't be any.

It sounds like he is not happy being the sole earner, so a rethink is needed. Both should be fully on board with arrangement, not just the or who benefits from it.

Definitely 3. As for the bonus, however, I would say that's less clear-cut and I would say dependent on circumstances.

Raising your own children shouldn’t be a chore.

It's not. But it does have value. And that value is the SAHP's contribution to the unit, just like the money made outside the house is the NSAHP's contribution to the unit. And both those contributions are of equal value and should be shared equally.