AIBU Husband vs Wife - 1 working, 1 SAHP

[StuntPineapple]

Please settle something for me and the husband.

One of us is a stay at home parent of a 2.5yr old and the second is a full time employee working 50+ hours a week.

Is the money earned

1. The earnees
2. The SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly and fairly between the two.

Also if the working parent was to earn a bonus would that bonus be

1. Solely the earnees
2. Solely the SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly between the two with an emphasis on a couple of treats for the earnee

Thoughts?

If that's how he thinks then tell him he can be the SAHP.

All these people who say the solution is for OP to go back to work: so what, the kids suffer because they’ve got a dickhead father and parents who can’t sort things out between them???

And before anyone starts, I say suffer because generally speaking there are only two reasons why parents decide one of them should stay at home. First is because it’s cheaper than working - in which case this whole scenario is irrelevant. Second is because they think the children are better off at home with a parent rather than nursery/ daycare/ nanny. No opinion on this from me personally as it’s totally irrelevant to the Op’s post.

Ask him how he would feel if you found a £2 coin in the bottom of an old purse from your working days or on the pavement and decided to buy a lottery ticket ... and won millions!

Would he suddenly think that half of your new found riches were his?

If he would, then his income is family money. You're supposed to be a team.

I'm the working parent, DH is the SAH parent. Definitely 3&6. I don't view any of the money I earn as my own, it all belongs to us. If anything I think he has the harder job, as he has to care for our autistic son around school hours, during sickness and during holidays; at least I get to escape for 8 hours a day.

If my dh worked and I didn’t and he thought his Salary and bonus was his, that would be the last thing I did for him until he changed his mind or moved out, with a time limit. No dinners shopping washing cleaning organising , he can buy his own groceries not share ours, and either do 50% of the childcare and cleaning or pay me market rates for everything I do.

so what, the kids suffer because they’ve got a dickhead father and parents who can’t sort things out between them??
This had to come, the poor traumatised kids who suffer if they attend childcare... because it's really about the kids rather than the mum who is more than happy not to have to cope with the demands of a job.

Nice to see some posters taking the opportunity to take a swipe at SAHMs.

I think it all is family money but that does not really help a lot of the time because we can disagree over what to spend family money. It all being family money doesn't mean you can't spend anything on yourself.

Joint decision making is difficult because you are bound to have differences of opinion so there has to be a way of resolving conflicts.

Thing is, if the op goes back to work she will end up doing all the housework and sick days and all the rest. Because men like him do t change.

I was a SAHM for 2 years, it’s not exactly work is it. Raising your own children shouldn’t be a chore.

But why the conflation of work and chore umbongo? Some people have jobs they absolutely adore and find to be a joy rather than a chore. Yet nobody would suggest that meant they weren't working.

swingofthings she qualified that on the basis that the couple had decided it was better for the kids to be with a parent, therefore based on that the kids would loose out on what the couple deemed better. You have chosen to find a dig at those who use childcare where there is none and answer it with a more unpleasant dig at the OP for being a SAHP - "more than happy not to cope with the demands of a job" is belittling and nasty.

StuntPineapple tell him you will prioritise looking for a full time job tomorrow, and he will obviously get on and organise full time childcare for the children. See how he reacts.

My dh has said he wouldn't have got as far as he has in his career if I hadn't have stayed at home with the dcs. He may spend money without always discussing with me first but it's joint money. Twice in 22 years he's asked me to only buy essentials. I sacrificed my career willingly.

Your h is a twat.

Nice to see some posters taking the opportunity to take a swipe at SAHMs
Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but using the excuse that kids suffer if they don't get to stay at home with mum is having a swipe at those who do work.

In the end, we are all masters of our own lives. OP does have the choice to go to work if she wants her own money without having to justify to her husband how it is spent.

Yearofyoureminer My dh has said he wouldn't have got as far as he has in his career if I hadn't have stayed at home with the dcs.

Why is that? Lots of men have high achieving career women as wives and also have children and this doesn't stop them reaching the top in their own careers.

Because it's what he feels

How odd

First q - 3

Second q - none of the above. I think if the bonus is over and above anything needed for bills/living expenses, the working person has earned the right to use it as their 'bonus'. Having said that I would want to spend most of it on something nice for my family to benefit from anyway (extra holiday, etc).

I have been a SAHM and a working mum. IME being a SAHM is much less hard work than working FT out of the home. As such I think the working partner deserves a bit of slack and recognition for working hard & earning bonuses. Making a blanket declaration that everything is 'equally earnt family money' is a bit of a piss take IMO. Don't get me wrong, if a parent has no interest in having their own career, wants to stay a home, and they have a partner happy to support them, then go for it.

But don't then expect everybody else to agree that you 'work' just as hard as somebody who is in employment - and has children too.

This goes deeper than the money. He has no respect for what you do in looking after the home and the kids. It should be a partnership, building a family and a home together. Please don't go back to work unless you want to.

How odd

Not odd at all, I simply fail to see the correlation. You sound like you're somehow attempting to take taking credit for his career achievements.

3&6 unquestioningly.

The fact that one partner has the opportunity to earn a financial bonus and the other doesn't does not mean that the earner (or higher earner) should keep it all.

Its a partnership.

Oh and I'm the female partner and have always been by far the higher earner. Its never occurred to me that my earnings are 'mine' rather than 'ours'.

swingofthings she qualified that on the basis that the couple had decided it was better for the kids to be with a parent,
Husband who are happy how the income they earned is spent or happy with their wives being SAHM do not suddenly make a point that the money they earn is theirs. OP has clearly been a SAHM for 2 1/2 years, so why is it suddenly becoming an issue? There is clearly more to it than what OP has chosen to share.

"more than happy not to cope with the demands of a job" is belittling and nasty Fair enough, although it wasn't meant that way.

tell him you will prioritise looking for a full time job tomorrow, and he will obviously get on and organise full time childcare for the children. See how he reacts.
Why would it suddenly become his responsibility only? Surely it would be a joint effort? Both bring in money, both get involved in sorting out childcare?

Btw it really doesn't sit well with me that a woman supposedly has to sacrifice her own career to help her husband go further in his.

I wouldn't want my daughters thinking that was the 'norm'.

In our house it would be all family money including the bonus.

If you're having to ask for money you need to think about going back to work and earning your own money, and then he can pay half towards the child care /cleaner etc. Is your DH financially abusive?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

You sound like you're somehow attempting to take taking credit for his career achievements

It is much easier to move up the career ladder if someone else is handing home responsibilities for you (or most of them).

Most of the men I know as peers are either single, or have partners at home, or have partners who work but still handle the bulk of the home responsibility and manage all the home support (cleaners, nannies, school stuff etc).

3 and 6. Totally unfair otherwise, 1 possibly leading to financial abuse.

3 and 6 but joint consultation / decisions on all expenditure over normal HH day to day.