AIBU Husband vs Wife - 1 working, 1 SAHP

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Please settle something for me and the husband.

One of us is a stay at home parent of a 2.5yr old and the second is a full time employee working 50+ hours a week.

Is the money earned

1. The earnees
2. The SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly and fairly between the two.

Also if the working parent was to earn a bonus would that bonus be

1. Solely the earnees
2. Solely the SAHP
3. Family money with all decisions of what it is to be spent on made jointly between the two with an emphasis on a couple of treats for the earnee

Thoughts?

In our house 3 and 4.

I was SAHP and all money went into the joint account. We each get allocated equal spends. Now I'm working both salaries go into joint. When DH gets a bonus though, it goes into a savings account towards a new car or hols etc.

Swingofthings Husband who are happy how the income they earned is spent or happy with their wives being SAHM do not suddenly make a point that the money they earn is theirs unless they are having an affair or a midlife crisis and no longer respect the mother of their children nor care for their wife's happiness I suppose.

tell him you will prioritise looking for a full time job tomorrow, and he will obviously get on and organise full time childcare for the children. See how he reacts.
Why would it suddenly become his responsibility only? Surely it would be a joint effort? Both bring in money, both get involved in sorting out childcare? just for the shock of the role reversal. It is incredibly unlikely he will think sorting out the childcare is even 50% his job - most likely he will take the position that if his wife chooses to go back to work then that's on her, and he will expect her to take 100% responsibility for childcare and go on doing 100% of the family drudge work - taxiing kids about, organising their vaccinations, taking the time off when they are ill, getting up in the night with them when they are ill, toilet training them and clceaning up accidents, as well as the household cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry and all the other running tasks.

That's why I said to say that, to see how he reacts - if he says "great, that's such a relief, I've been so stressed being the only earner and will be so happy to take on 50% of the child and domestic work so you can also work full time" - or "hang on, you're going back to work so sorting childcare and everything you've been doing as the SAHP is both of our jobs, not only mine" then its win-win. Unlikely, because I suspect he will say "no, you want to go back to work then you sort childcare" but if it happens that he automatically switches to carrying 50% of the domestic load then great.

Chanerincess I am 100% not trying to take credit for his career success at all. How strange you would say that. The point was my dh values my contribution to our family life, just as I very much appreciate being able to stay at home full time with our dcs.

Chanelprincess - correction.

3 & 6

Dh is four years away from retiring, yesterday he asked me to go and see our friend who is a jeweller and ask him to design a ring for me that we can buy diamonds for over the next four years and have it made up when he retires.

I said you won't get any arguments from me, but why ?

He said because I couldn't have done what I did without your love and support.

There is a reason we are together 29 years, he drives me scatty at times, but I would not be without him.

Point being one parent can only work out of the home if they have the support of the other and that they respect that.

If both parents work out of the home, then you have to pay for help, which brings me full circle, vis a vis the SAHP being worthy of thanks and respect.

Work out what daily child care would look like, including snacks/nappies/extra clothes for when they get paint on at day care etc, minus that off his wages and that’s yours.

Obviously all money should be family money. Sounds like a dick

3 and 6, unless you are twat enough to think that you only go the extra mile at work for your bonus to benefit yourself financially, not for any higher motive, to be a good employee or to do your best for your family. Does the SAHP get a bonus of their own for turning up to all kids' assemblies, or helping their child get a distinction in their music exam?... Or would that be equally silly?!

3 & then the bonus should be split between you equally to be spent/wasted on whatever you like.

A bonus is just that - it's not for spending on "family", it's a reward & should be spent on nice things.

Its not working. You're arguing about money. Go get a job and put your child in nursery. Have your own money, be independent and stop arguing with him his earnings are yours. It doesn't matter what others think. It matters what he thinks. He's not up for seeing it as family money so go get a job.

Obviously all money should be family money. Sounds like a dick

Hmm, when he's the one leaving early & getting in late. Missing all the "chores" like taking the kids to the park, seeing their assemblies, seeing their first steps.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a portion of that bonus to be dedicated to him & not family. Split it with the OP , if she wants to spend her half on "family" stuff, fine - equally fine if he wan't to blow his....

OP, you need to go back to work ASAP. With your partner's attitude, you're in an incredibly vulnerable situation and it will be you who's left alone, with no income, to raise the children.

He's not up for seeing it as family money so go get a job.

This - split the childcare costs 50/50 & you can have your own money & bonus proportionate to your skillset & role.

Oh, I see someone added a 7. 7, not 6, for the bonus. You're a pathetic twunt if you value yourself more highly than your life partner and deserve a lonely end...

However, if your life partner thinks you deserve the money for being so lovely and tells you to spend it on yourself, then everyone is happy!!

We do 3 and something not listed - any bonus split between dh and I as spending money.

Your dh doesn’t respect you as an equal team member. I couldn’t live like that.

Did you have joint finances before this?

I've just been on another similar thread...what is it with men and money?

Can he not see that if you were to work/pay for childcare he would have less money (or are they just 'your' children so your financial responsibility )

Either stop doing his domestic stuff or start charging him for it - and the childcare!!

At the risk of being a copy cat 3 and 6 all the way.

It's family money yes, but not sure about the entire bonus tbh. I'm a SAHM and my DH is fine about sharing money.

Has this come about because you had plans for the bonus? As in you told your DH what he should do with the money, by any chance?

Everything is family money IF the working person is happy that the other person stays at home. When they aren't happy with this, then the stay at home parent needs to find a job and, yes, this would mean that childcare costs and housework should be split between both people.

For people saying the OP should start charging a childminder's hourly rate for childcare - that doesn't make sense, as the OP is getting free accommodation, food, bills etc. Childminders get their earnings but then have to pay bills out of that. As most SAHM's are well off, I'm sure the OP is living in a much more luxurious house than they would be living in if they were a childminder!

I don't work - we have children aged 6 and 4 (both full time school) and I'm pregnant, due in 6 weeks.
DH works 42 hours.

All money is family money.
If he ever got a bonus (he won't in the job he's in) then that would also be family money.

We get child tax, working tax and child benefit. With that I buy food, electric and bus to/from school. And anything the children need.
DH pays all of the bills, and stuff to do with his car.

We never argue about money - but DH isn't bothered by money at all. He's left with around £100 after bills, which he usually puts straight off his credit card. So he's not really left with anything.

3 and 6. Everything that is earned by the adults becomes family money.

Are you able to get a job if you feel like you need more money?

3 and 6 in my house

Can we please stop the bullshit about a successful person requiring a SAHP though? It’s a really damaging myth and it damages women mostly.

I earn six figures before bonus while still being able to see nursery plays and be at home if DS is sick. I leave at 4.30 so I’m there for bedtime. I’m fucking sick of men pretending they need to work all hours to be successful. I have men on my team with small children who go to the gym for two hours in the afternoon and then stay late. Conveniently missing the bedtime chaos - then I read on here all the time about these men who couldn’t possibly be successful without all the presenteism. Bullshit. And contributing to a really toxic workplace culture.

I agree Splendide all the dicking around on Facebook all day, then working from 4.30-7pm so that the boss can see them working late is extremely damaging to working women, who often have to get home to collect children from childcare on time, and then are seen as less committed, when really they are doing the required work in the required hours.

Can we please stop the bullshit about a successful person requiring a SAHP though? It’s a really damaging myth and it damages women mostly.

Totally with you on this.