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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
kirinm · 24/02/2018 17:49

Well I'm just wondering if you felt like you've suggested a young Mum would feel? Did you feel like that when your kids were born?

I did ask at what age you wouldn't think abortion would be the right response but you didn't answer.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 17:49

@Stillwishihadabs 'encumbrance': an impediment or burden.

Yes. You cannot just do whatever the fuck you like anymore because you now are a parent. It is an impediment on your life. If nursery or school calls because your dc is sick you have to leave, or figure out who will go to school to get the child.

I'm not saying children are a nuisance. But let's not deny that having children is a very tough thing that requires you to take a back seat and put someone else first. And consider their well-being before your own.

namechange2222 · 24/02/2018 17:51

I'd think, there are many 14 year olds having sex. This one got pregnant and didn't have a termination. I'd wonder why but would also be highly respectful of her choice

YassQueen · 24/02/2018 17:53

Yeah I didn't think you'd want to check out that link.

The fact remains that you ARE ignorant. You've been offered a rebuttal to your points. You've chosen to ignore it. Sounds pretty ignorant to me.

YassQueen · 24/02/2018 17:54

would all you people raving about these amazing high-achieving teen mums want your daughter to have a baby at 16?

I want my daughter to have a baby when she feels ready.

If that's 16, fine. If that's 46, fine. If that's never, fine.

I'll support her whenever she becomes pregnant, with whatever decision she makes.

Mandatorymongoose · 24/02/2018 17:54

Just putting my head above the parapet as a naice middle class girl who had a baby at 15 (pregnant at 14) and who now has an excellent professional career.

There were of course times when it was really difficult and probably all sorts of missed opportunities but who knows? Life could have been shit without her. DD is 18 and fabulous. I now also have a 5 year old and that's not always a walk in the park either and means I'm missing out on other things perhaps.

"You don't look old enough" and "you could be sisters" still feature regularly when I meet new people but so what? Anyone worth talking to won't judge.

Letloose · 24/02/2018 17:55

@RockinRobinTweets
I would never encourage my children to be teenage parents but if it happened I would support them not see them as an embarrassment or they are loosing their lives. I don't understand why people think this way? I have enjoyed every minute of my children yes it's hard work their is absolutely no denying that but they are not small for long i would choose to be with my amazing children any day than most people I know they are always happy, fun and loving and me and my husband have done that with the attitude we have.

BertrandRussell · 24/02/2018 17:56

I was 37 and in an established high flying career with a well paid partner when I had my first child. She was wonderful, loved, wanted and the best thing that ever happened to me. But she was also an encumbrance. It's OK to say that!

YassQueen · 24/02/2018 17:58

So why is it fine for someone who is 36 to introduce an "encumbrance" to their life, but not for someone who is 16?

Why does a young parent have to deal with all the bleating of "oh but you could have travelled" but a 36-year-old who may have never left the country and may not even have a passport not have to deal with the same?

By continuing with a pregnancy and not choosing adoption/having a parent raise the child as their own, you acknowledge that you're going to have to make adjustments. Whatever the age. So why is it only a problem when younger women do it?

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 18:01

Well you see I think a younger parent (and I'm not advocating 14yo as ideal) just might not be used to doing what they want all that much (or might have done it for fewer years) so maybe they'd miss it less. I had my first at 28 but wasn't really used to doing what I liked and was use to putting my own needs on hold. So in a lot of ways I found it easier than those who waited till their mid to late 30's.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 18:01

Yeah I didn't think you'd want to check out that link. The fact remains that you ARE ignorant. You've been offered a rebuttal to your points. You've chosen to ignore it. Sounds pretty ignorant to me.

@YassQueen What link and who is being ignorant? Please tell us!

And there might be one or two differences between a 16year-old and a 36year-old.

RockinRobinTweets · 24/02/2018 18:01

I would support them in making the decision that was best for them too but would feel sad that they were still children themselves and were being forced to grow up even faster than society would make them anyway.

RockinRobinTweets · 24/02/2018 18:05

*YassQueen

So why is it fine for someone who is 36 to introduce an "encumbrance" to their life, but not for someone who is 16?*

For the most part, you’ve had the chance to be selfish. You’ve lived a bit, made mistakes and learned from them.

There are plenty of uncultured 36 year old idiots but there are a lot more unworldly teenagers whose struggle will be exponentially more difficult than if they had a bit more life experience under their belt

Littleelffriend · 24/02/2018 18:05

One of my best friends at school got pregnant at 14, we’re in our mid thirties now. She wanted attention that was all, her baby was mostly raised by her parents. She ruined her life and his

Letloose · 24/02/2018 18:08

Not by any means am I saying EVERY teenage girls make good mums but not every older women makes a good mum and can be just as selfish as say a 14-15 year old could be

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 18:11

I really don't think teen pregnancy is desirable, but I do think as a society we need to question this assumption that the selfish pursuit of individualism in young adulthood is necessary or desirable. I don't think it is good for people's long term mental health and the societal consequences of delayed parenthood are significant.

PortiaCastis · 24/02/2018 18:11

Girls do not get pregnant on their own so why aren't the Father's being vilified also

Qvar · 24/02/2018 18:13

I'd imagine that their life had probably been extremely fucking difficult, especially their teenaged years. I certainly wouldn't judge them - I have a fifteen year old son

perfectstorm · 24/02/2018 18:13

I'd think they were a child when they had the baby, hope it was two kids being active too early and not abuse, and otherwise think nothing of it, as long as their child was safe, loved and cared for. Actually if they'd done a good job I'd think they were freaking amazing, because being a parent well is HARD. And if they'd not, but hadn't been actively bad either, I'd think they were still pretty bloody amazing, because, as above. It's hard enough to do this with maturity, education and a salary in your corner.

We all do reckless things as teenagers. It's the job description. Most of us don't have any evidence left, if we're teenagers pre-internet, anyway. I wouldn't think it said anything about them now.

alpineibex · 24/02/2018 18:14

I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents.

My grandparents were good role models, wasn't allowed boyfriends home in my room etc. Anti-drugs and smoking. I still started having sex at 14, still did drugs, still smoked. In spite of them. I'm rebellion.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 24/02/2018 18:14

My husband was born to a 15 year old Mum and she’s amazing. Looks like his twin sister though!

alpineibex · 24/02/2018 18:14

*in

kaytee87 · 24/02/2018 18:15

@PortiaCastis I don't think anyone is vilifying anyone Confused

The op asked specifically about the 14yo girl so that's what's being talked about. And let's face it, most of the time the girl will be the one left to bring the child up by themselves.

onemorecakeplease · 24/02/2018 18:21

I wouldn’t judge, no. I wouldn’t encourage my own dc to do that tho!

One of my friends had her ds at 14. She has 3 dc with her husband- they are so in love it’s unreal and been together since school.

They are also very very successful family, millionaires I would think.

So the outcome isn’t always negative!

splendide · 24/02/2018 18:32

Girls do not get pregnant on their own so why aren't the Father's being vilified also

It’s been suggested a few times in this thread that the fathers are rapists. If that’s not vilifying I’m not sure what is.