Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's out of my league

257 replies

nipnips · 21/02/2018 13:33

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 17:52

Ah but hissy was he living with his wife ? Because the op dearly believed is. Nd she doesn’t understand him. And and and all the cliche.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2018 17:54

It explains why he drives a long way to see you and has also perhaps making sure that you will be outside his social circle.

Yep. It's very possible the OP is another 'business trip'.

joystir59 · 21/02/2018 17:55

OP it's bear not bare.

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 17:56

@Hissy this bloke is still living with his wife though. Hasn’t had sex for years because she’s so distant and all he craves is affection. All the cliche’s known....

I agree that separated and not divorced isn’t a red flag in itself. “Separated” while still living in the same house because she won’t let him see the kids but they’re not having sex, honest, is though.

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 17:59

OP it's bear not bare

Thanks Joy, I'll sleep like a baby tonight knowing this. Hmm

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 21/02/2018 18:04

He’s played you for a fool op

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 18:05

Dearly beloved is.

I can’t tyoe on my phone.

UnsuspectedItem · 21/02/2018 18:06

@nipnips

There are two seperate issues here.

  1. Your relationship with your husband. If you are properly seperated, he must not interfer with your personal life. He certainly must not make accusations and drama in front of your children. That is inexcusable. You need to set things straight with him.

  2. Your boyfriend's relationship with his wife. In order for this to proceed, he needs to prove without any doubt that he is actually separated from her. And quite frankly, I can't see how anyone could stand dating someone who still lives with their spouse, so really to have a proper life he needs to move out.

But to be honest, from your posts you do not sound ready for a relationship at all. It is too soon, you are too needy (sorry), too quick to react, too quick to doubt and too quick to take action based on the opinions of strangers on the internet. It sounds like you need time to take care of yourself, and your children, and focus on becoming stable and happy single - before taking on board anyone else's baggage.

Hissy · 21/02/2018 18:06

My oh used to live in his own room in their house

It was on another floor apparently

When I first met him, he was there visiting his dc every weekend. But my oh was divorced a couple of years already

It did cross my mind that things might not be cut and dried, but I asked questions, I listened and I paid attention

Sometimes things really are what they are.

If there’s doubt, be cautious, only invest what you can afford to lose and give people the chance to show you who they are.

Yes he could be a walking cliche, but other things he’s apparently said and done don’t automatically point to that

And I am a fairly cynical being...

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 18:06

So now he's driving home from work and I will just have to wait and see what tonight brings.
He said he will call me at around 9pm to talk. He wanted to come over but I don't want him to, not until I know for sure he's separated and his wife knows he's seeing me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 21/02/2018 18:07

I think unsuspecteditem speaks a lot of sense

StatelessPrincess · 21/02/2018 18:07

what can I buy you? Men of value don't talk like that. So at best he's one of those ''nice guys'' who are rarely ever that nice and at worst he's just cheating on his wife with you.

Winteriscoming18 · 21/02/2018 18:23

That’s a specific time to call Hmm

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 18:25

Oh yeah. 9pm. Wife picking kids up from activity. Or he is going to get them and is alone in the car.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 18:27

You do move fast op. Didn’t you want to talk to him face to face? I would. I wouldn’t be putting all that to text.

When I started dating DP I had a small issue about not going out near where he lived and I talked to him about it next time I saw him. (Was easy sorted)

House4 · 21/02/2018 18:38

Be careful OP .... don’t get addicted to the drama ....

SavageBeauty73 · 21/02/2018 18:49

Sounds married. Are you allowed to ring him at random times? A 9pm specific time makes me think his wife is out.

Good luck.

Socratease · 21/02/2018 18:49

Having now seen all the additional information that has come out since the original question, I would completely change my advice to say that this entire situation has WAY TOO MANY RED FLAGS for you to proceed safely with this. GTFO! Whatever actually is going on, none of the possibilities are good. You can do better than this, OP.

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 21:48

Right, I've been digging for dirt. I can't find him on any of the dating sites which makes me think he's deleted his accounts. But he is on Kik.
I set up a fake account with a photo of an attractive woman on Kik and contacted him. He replied an hour later saying 'Do I know you?' We began chatting about where we live, what we do for a living etc. I used language completely different to the style I usually use. Then I turned the conversation to sex. The intention was that if he is a philanderer I'd have the evidence to confront him when he calls tonight.
Anyway, he rebuffed all my advances. I asked him if he was married, he said he was separated. Then he asked about my status and I told him I'd recently been dumped and was single. He told me I am 'a real stunner' and at this point I thought he was going to succumb. But no, he said it was my boyfriends loss and then went on to talk about a woman he'd met online who he was hoping he could be with but he was waiting for her to make her mind up about a few things. I felt a bit of a shit.
He's messaged saying he has to finish a presentation for tomorrow and will then call me. I'll update after the conversation.

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 21/02/2018 21:49

He clearly knows your trying to catfish him.

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 21:56

Nope. I really don't think so. He wasn't entirely faultless in the convo. He called me 'unstable' 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
CupOfJoe · 21/02/2018 22:04

He knew who you were, may have been trying to tell you something? I'd walk away, OP. You've set up a fake account and talked to him at length to try and catch him out. That's honest relationship over.

BewareOfDragons · 21/02/2018 22:06

He was suddenly contacted by a brand new account ... he knew it was you.

PicklingGherkins · 21/02/2018 22:11

I had some sympathy for you earlier, now I think you're just a drama llama!!

Winteriscoming18 · 21/02/2018 22:14

Your coming across full on and entering into bunny boiler territory! Of course he knew it was you. You suddenly try and cool things off and ask him questions then a random woman adds him and try’s to engage in a full conversation about his life?! Get a grip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread