To think he's out of my league

[nipnips]

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

Everything he's saying to you OP, I've heard it. Got the t-shirt .....

I went out with a man when I was younger who I thought was the love of my life. He too was living in the same house - on a different floor - to his wife because he too didn't want to lose the relationship with his DD.

He even went to the lengths of taking me overseas to visit his family and having his family stay at my house. He bought me nice gifts, took me to nice restaurants, told everyone we were in love.

He gave me access to his bank account. He asked me for a temporary loan while some money was transferred from a job he'd done on the understanding I would put it straight into my account. He then disappeared with £20k of my money. I went to the house and confronted his wife. They were happily married. He kept a room on another floor because she worked shifts and didn't want to disturb him. They were in the process of buying another house. My money was the deposit.

He too had "anxiety" in the bedroom brought on by the "stress of work".

He picked me off because I was open, kind and always gravitated towards those in need.

Be careful.

A long message from him, a bit rambling. He sounds upset and insists his marriage is over. I haven't replied...not sure whether to block him now. Or hear him out. I feel a bit guilty for giving him a hard time when he's at work.

Hoping that he comes through. I think you need to talk to him face to face - his situation does not sound that sinister IMO.

Perhaps he's planning on getting you to chat to his ex to prove his point!

"If you think he is genuine, say that you'd like to meet his wife for coffee etc so you know everyone knows whats going on, his reaction will tell you what you need to know."

Still this from me ^

Yes I was separated when my husband went through my phone! He was living elsewhere. I told him I was seeing someone else, and the prick decided to have a nose through my phone whilst I was getting the kids coats and shoes on to go home.

But you said your husband sent “a series” of messages.

How long does it take you to get coats and shoes on your kids?

Can you imagine the response...?

”Have been seeing this lovely man for a couple of months. There’s a real spark between us, have been separated for a whilE from my wife and have dated a bit but not felt like this in a while. Anyway, yesterday I received a load of texts from someone claiming to be his wife telling me to fuck off and leave them alone to fix their marriage because he’s married. I’ve confronted him and he says that it’s his ex wife who is controlling and abusive and she goes through his phone and sent the messages, but they really are separated.”

Somehow I don’t think the mn collective would be telling her that the man obviously had a controlling ex if she’s going through his phone, and yet the OP has typed the same from the other side and people are buying into that? Really?

nipnips Wed 21-Feb-18 14:54:04
I don't know, some of you ladies are making me feel really paranoid! confusedconfusedconfused

Not an intentional drip feed, this has just occurred to me as something that might be relevant. Not long after we started chatting online my ex trawled through my phone and saw our messages. He then sent the new man a series of threatening messages telling him to stay away from his wife or else.
I didn't see all of these messages because my husband deleted them but I saw the last couple of exchanges. My soon to be ex husband said basically back off, and we'll sort it out.
New man said that it had to be my choice, and asked if he could speak to me because he was worried I might have been hurt by a man who thinks violence is a legitimate response.
Then he asked ex to tell me he was sorry for causing me any trouble and he would respect my decision, whatever that may be.
Needless to say that when i found out what the ex had done I was livid. I had 20 odd missed calls on my phone from the new guy and when we finally spoke he said that he knew things were difficult for me right now and that he'd wait for me as long as it took.
This speaks volumes right? Or is it all part of the game?

And your new man replied.

All of that up there didn’t happen while you were putting kids shoes on. No way

I agree he needs to move out before he can claim he's really free and who he says he is. I'd be very wary until then.

He's told me a bit about his marriage. He's been separated a while but they still live in the same house. He claims that this is because he doesn't want to ask her permission to see his children. They apparently live on different floors of the house.
He told me he was together with her for 15 years and married for 9. After 2 years of marriage they had a family and things started going wrong. She's emotionally cold and refuses to sleep in the same bed as him. He said he craves being touched and hugged because he hadn't had that for years.

This really should have been in your OP. You would have got completely different advice.

No, he took my phone whilst I was putting the kids shoes on. Then had a meltdown and said I was killing him, in front of the children. It was horrible...ok. He was waving my phone around in the air.

Bluedoglead, I'm not sure why you're so desperate for me to come a cropper and get hurt? Or why you're so intent on attacking me at every turn. Either way I'm just going to have to ignore you from now on.

You do that.

You and your husband and your other man and his wife.

You know. That wife he’s told you the oldest story in the book over. That’s why he lives a distance away. He picked you for that. Less risk of you knowing or running in to the wifey.

Firstly, I would trust my instincts. If you think something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

However, saying that, I don’t think there is anything objectively suspicious about his behaviour.

It is totally understandable that he is not concerned with your financial situation or professional ambitions, if he is has significant wealth. I wouldn’t be alarmed by that, or his generosity, even if possibly indelicately navigated on his part. He is not interested in your financial resources or career aspirations; he is sufficient for both of you.

Re: intimacy - I think it’s a great sign for a healthy relationship if you discover whether you genuinely like each other before having sex. That allows both of you to make judgements without the interference of hormones and base instincts. That would not put me off in the slightest - quite the opposite, actually.

The question that would be in my head as a potential concern is, if he is very busy, successful, travelling a lot etc, why would he not seek out a relationship that is logistically easier (i.e. closer and doesn’t require driving across the country). It could be just that he really likes you, in which case great. But, it could be something more sinister. If I had reasonable explanation for that, I would feel comfortable to proceed, but just be observant and trust your instincts.

Hi OP - I've been in a similar place. I'm separated and still living with my STBX for financial reasons. Most blokes I've met on OLD have accepted this but there have been a few doubters. The difference is that my STBX is quite happy to meet them and be civil and this is what I think makes the difference. Could your chap say the same? If not, then I don't think you should pursue this relationship or listen to anything else he has to say. You will end up getting hurt.

I'm not sure why you think he is out of your league. From what you say he sounds more ambitious and driven than you but you don't (unless I have missed it) say anything about looks or attractiveness which surely is more important when initially seeing someone (or am I just very shallow?!).

He could be a player but so could anyone. The fact that he hasn't tried to sleep with you could be a sign that he respects you or it could be a sign that he has erectile dysfunction or other issues.

I think that many people on MN like to make a big drama out of nothing. Why don't you just enjoy things for now and keep an open mind? What have you got to lose?

A long message from him, a bit rambling. He sounds upset and insists his marriage is over. I haven't replied...not sure whether to block him now. Or hear him out. I feel a bit guilty for giving him a hard time when he's at work.

Hear him out.

He's told me a bit about his marriage. He's been separated a while but they still live in the same house. He claims that this is because he doesn't want to ask her permission to see his children. They apparently live on different floors of the house.
He told me he was together with her for 15 years and married for 9. After 2 years of marriage they had a family and things started going wrong. She's emotionally cold and refuses to sleep in the same bed as him. He said he craves being touched and hugged because he hadn't had that for years.

Just noticed this. Sorry but this is a cliche. He and his wife are very much together and he is trying to have an affair.

When is he getting divorced?

I have niggling doubts here.

How far away from you does he live?
How often do you see him?
Is he still on the dating site you used?
Is he on any other dating site?
I'd be setting up a fake profile just to check.......

People seriously need to rtft. He’s married and still living with his wife but she’s cold and distant and won’t give him sex. Meanwhile the OP’s husband has already warned him off

Even if best case scenario the OP and her husband are separated now, he and his wife are not.

I do wonder how people are so gullible. Only this morning I was having a conversation with someone whose brother in law had left his SIL while she was pregnant because apparently there was no sex in the relationship and the pregnancy was as a result of the only sex they’d had in six years. How stupid are people who fall for that kind of bullshit?

My dh was already running multi-million pound business when we met. I was a single mum working in a crappy part time job and renting a flat. But we instantly clicked, were very attracted to one another and immediately had lots of common ground (similar upbringing, same sense of humour). I used to sometimes think he was out of my league as he was so confident and successful but I'd quickly give myself a mental slap and get over it - also I was very attractive when I was younger (I'm not being funny but I got loads of attention off men) we've now been together 18 years and are very happy.

Don't overthink it and enjoy yourself OP, if further down the line it doesn't work out what's to lose if your having a great time with him? he may be the love of your life!

RTFT

they are both married.

Oops, just read further and see he's still married!!! Run for the hills....

It explains why he drives a long way to see you and has also perhaps making sure that you will be outside his social circle.

Even if he is genuine, he's probably not going to be interested much longer if you keep sending him these impulsive and slightly odd messages.

Insecurity isn't attractive and neither is hassling a successful and wealthy man with accusations and drama at work.

Why don't you just talk to him like an adult in person?

Oh for the love of god!

My ex was separated for 10years before I met him

He still is only separated

Despite the fact that he’s had 2 kids (one with me) and hasn’t seen his wife in 20 years

Yes he’s still married, but it’s not the same thing at all as being married married!