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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's out of my league

257 replies

nipnips · 21/02/2018 13:33

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

OP posts:
Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 16:08

I've done it. I've told him I can't see him any more. 😞

OP posts:
CupOfJoe · 21/02/2018 16:09

That was fast

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 16:10

look if he's being honest then he would be moving towards leaving the home.
it might not be all bad, but take it really slowly.
people often change their minds about separation, you're dicing with death this early on.
I think you need to ask him some proper questions and set some deadlines.

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 16:10

Bluedoglead, six months. A full year of even two would have been better.

And I refer to him as my husband for clarity and the fact that he still IS my husband. For now.

OP posts:
Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 16:11

CupofJoe, yeah. I'm fairly impulsive. If he's genuine he will convince me otherwise and move out of the marital home.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:12

What a lot of hassle for a meal out and a bit of messing around.

Get a vibrator and a take away with some decent tele. Satisfaction guaranteed and a lot less bother.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:13

He needs to move out, but it’s ok for your husband to send him nasty messages? Love how you’re glossing over that bit.

Both of you need to be single. Not just him.

OutComeTheWolves · 21/02/2018 16:19

I have a good friend in a pretty similar situation to you.

She's a lone parent, living in a council house and on a fairly low wage. She also drives a shit car. For the past year she's been seeing a very high earner, with a flash car who owns his own 4 bed house. He is smitten with her and we're all predicting an engagement soon.

No one thinks she's punching above her weight because my friend is fucking awesome for a variety of reasons none of which are related to her bank balance. She's ballsy, hilarious, a right laugh on a night out, gorgeous, totally independent, tough and very quick witted. Her dp really is one lucky guy. Maybe yours is too.

GUMBYMUMBY · 21/02/2018 16:19

Hmmm. On one hand I think oooh he just thinks your great.Superb!
On the other hand I think
Hmmm is he a Player?
Is he what he is cracked up to be?
One thing I have learned if a man seems too good to be true, he may well be.
I should date a few more and not be too serious until you know more.

Generally ( I hate to say this) men with money can attract women like flies to honey so not sure why he is saying'I cannot believe you would be interested in someone like me.' I mean he has got it all going on... so WHY wouldn't you be?
Are you an Instagram model? Maybe you are gorgeous. I hope you will find happiness anyway. x

GUMBYMUMBY · 21/02/2018 16:21

Oh good god I just realised you are married. GROAN

fearfultrill · 21/02/2018 16:21

What have you said you can't see him any more for? All that's needed right now is a chat about where things are going / what your current situations are.

Then after that you could have made decisions.

BewareOfDragons · 21/02/2018 16:42

Did you tell him it was because he still lives with his 'wife' ?

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:48

Orbecause you still have a “husband”?

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 16:54

she doesn't live with her husband!! it's not that hard to work out.
She's separated.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:56

But not so separated really. Else he wouldn’t be sending messages from her Phone.

If I was the boyfriend that would be a red flag tbh.

Leaving aside the fact that the boyfriend has spun her the oldest line in the book.

Dozer · 21/02/2018 17:03

He has erectile dysfunction and lives with his DW!

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 17:06

I told him I think he's still married and is a serial philanderer. Might have gone a bit overboard actually. Hmm But still waiting for a reply.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/02/2018 17:08

Even in the “best case scenario” and his wife knows everything and is herself dating others, and he is genuine, why would you want to date someone who still lives with his ex?

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 17:08

Ok, just been back to check my messages.
He said he's in a conference. And then said I'm wrong and he'll prove it to me.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 17:09

But you are also still married

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 17:10

Fuck sake! I'm separated, he lives elsewhere! How long do I have to live like a fucking nun to get the all clear from you to fuck other people?

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 17:17

She's separated. she might be now, but she wasn’t at the time her husband was going through her phone and sending texts to the OM. In fact it’s pretty easy to see that she cheated on her husband with this man and he on his wife.

But even in the best case scenario, the man still lives with his wife because, according to him, it would mean not being able to see his kids, and has been living in this situation for four years. So actually, regardless of the OP’s marital status the relationship has no future because he can’t introduce her to children if he’s still living with their mother, they have no future together until the children leave school.

But the OP knows all this, otherwise she wouldn’t have drip-fed it into the thread....

PicklingGherkins · 21/02/2018 17:18

Can i ask whether you've spoken to any real-life friends about this? It's just you've gone from 0-100mph based on effectively a lot of strangers opinions who neither know you or the man you're seeing. If the wife thing wasn't an issue for you before, why suddenly are you sacking him off?

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 17:19

You don’t need the clearance from us.

Your boyfriend does from his wife, apparently. I’d hazard that’s a bit of an issue.

(You weren’t that separated when your husband was sending fuck off and leave my wife alone texts were you?)

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 17:20

He IS still married.

And so are you.

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