To think he's out of my league

[nipnips]

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

I don't think you should rule him out just because of the income/career difference. DH has a very successful career, earning a six figure salary, and when we met I was a single mum claiming benefits in a council flat. It didn't put him off at all - what mattered was the connection we had and how we fit together as a couple. We've been together for 10 years now. Money has never been an issue - he has always contributed more financially to the relationship but we see all the money coming into the household as joint income.

I think you should just be careful to take things slowly, especially as you've only recently separated. I would probably not do anything too fast like moving in together or introductions to each other's dc just yet.

Bluedoglead, that made my heart sink big time. Yes, you could well be right. I have just given him the benefit of the doubt so far, but how do I find out if he's a player or not?

Being driven and successful in your career doesn't mean being over confident in dating. He's obviously not hunting posh bars to find a partner, he went online to meet someone he would have a connection with.

He doesn't sound out of your league AT ALL, but Workaholics rarely make good husbands, good providers yes, but good husbands no. You never see them. is good point.

What contribution do you think you should be making? If he wanted a city girl, he would be with one. It seems like he has neither the time nor the will to meet one for a relationship other than work.

You don't sound that comfortable with your own situation, why does it bug you that he has more money?

I’m sorry I know everyone else is all for it and I don’t mean to sound horrid.

Just - subconsciously you know there’s something off. And if he was totally genuine you’d not sense that.

I’m sorry. I hope I’m wrong.

It is possible that Bluedog might have a point. It is possible. If you are feeling a red flag, then it is possible he uses his money and status to try to find women who are 10x more attractive than him to go out with that he can show off, get into bed (he would see that as a trophy since he is not attractive), and then move on to the next beautiful woman. He may purposely choose beautiful women who are vulnerable or not on his level financially or socially so that it’s easier to take advantage of them, plus a woman who is wealthy and attractive may not look at him twice anyway. He may on purpose be acting like he doesn’t mind waiting for sex, it will make you more amenable to it. Or, he could be testing you and seeing if you are only after his money by offering to buy you anything and he sees you’re not. But, all this is imaginative speculation and he could be a wonderful human being and so far, he has proven himself that. Go with your instinct whatever it’s telling you.

I think just go with the flow. He thinks he's lucky to have found you, and damn right he is! Just keep your eyes wide open.

He's obviously not hunting posh bars to find a partner, he went online to meet someone he would have a connection with.

Ha ha ha. 😂

I’m sorry, but this does not necessarily follow, at all. Men go online to meet women because it’s easier, more efficient, and more anonymous. Men who work long hours can’t be arsed trawling ‘posh bars’ when they can line up women in several different cities from the comfort of their hotel room or sofa.

Ok, probably a stupid impulsive thing to do but I've just asked him if he's genuine about a real relationship with me. Whether it bothers him about our different backgrounds. And also whether he's a serial dater/player. I did try to word it a bit different, but also said I know he's working so not to worry about replying now. We can talk tonight.

Nipnips, the minute you start believing he is out of your league is the minute your mind will make it true. Have some self confidence! He likes you, you like him, don’t let your paranoia get in the way of love. No one is out of your league. Ever.

Fuck

Okay. He’s hardly going to say ‘yes, I’m a player’ though, is he?

He went online so he didn’t waste time.

when they can line up women in several different cities from the comfort of their hotel room or sofa.

as opposed to taking a woman back home/ hotel with them to spend the night with that night? Yeah, right.

Having submerged myself in the world of online dating out of curiosity rather than a genuine desire to meet someone, I can honestly say that the web is full of this kind of transactional hook up. There's no need to go to a bar and chat women up now. Lining up partners is as easy as placing a grocery order unfortunately.

A good way to judge is by his past partners - what sort of jobs did they have?

Were they a similar background?

I have had the same, we're together almost 2 years now. Happier than I have ever been in my life, and none of that is to do with anything he's spent on me. In fact I think we have had only 2 or 3 'dates', otherwise it's been dinner cooked for me at home. I've only ever been to a pub with him once I think, and that was our first date.

Take it slow, tell him you don't talk about money, and see where it goes.

how he treats you as a person is all important here, how he makes you feel. Not what he says.

My OH had to be trained to not talk about money, I found it a hideous subject, so just didn't engage at all. Somehow though, for him, it's a measure of him that is quantifiable, he didn't see the value in his personality, his kindness, how supportive he is and how damned sexy.

Everyone he had been with before ONLY saw ££££. There is a whole other raft of threads right there, but I digress.

Consequently, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread :D

and of course, I very much am!

Straight away an answer from him.
He said no need to apologise for asking difficult questions. Yes, he's serious. He's no longer talking to anyone else online and he wouldn't have told me about his children and showed me photographs etc if he wasn't interested in having me stick around.
He said he was happy that I'm comfortable enough to challenge him and ask if he's a player. He says he was when he was younger, but emphatically NO he is not a serial dater after one thing.

I agree with others that NO ONE is "out of your league," you sound lovely.

Just take things slowly, and take everything with a big grain of salt.

If he's a player, or in any other way manipulative or cruel, he's not going to come out and tell you that, no matter how carefully you've worded your questions.

He might not be a "player" but might be a bad partner in other ways. Many narcissists are high-achieving and are very charming at first and seem very romantic and devoted. Then they turn out to be a nightmare to be with and even worse to get rid of. So just DON'T RUSH!

Hopefully I’m wrong then

as opposed to taking a woman back home/ hotel with them to spend the night with that night? Yeah, right.

Er, no.

They chat to women online who they can then meet in person and take home for a shag.

Oh My God, will people back the fuck off? There is no evidence to suggest that this guy is nothing but and honest, genuine guy who like the OP for who she is.
Don't go filling the Ops head with unfounded doubts, she'll end up mistrusting him and over thinking it.

OP, if you like him then chill out and have a good time. Obviously take precautions and don't give more than you're willing to lose (as with anything) but it almost seems like you're looking for reasons to not trust him, perhaps you're not ready for a relationship? Just go with the flow, keep your eyes open but have fun. Sounds like you deserve it.

It's not compulsory to date people that are in the same financial position!

It sounds as though you have a problem with it rather than him.

Your wealth, or lack of, does not represent who you are as a person.

It's almost like you are expecting him to hide his success because it makes you uncomfortable. He should be allowed to be proud of who he is and what he has achieved, he shouldn't have to be silenced.

I'm stating right at the off that I'm a cynical, bitter old hag (hurrah me!) but it could be he is just someone who likes the extended thrill of the long or longer game than just trying to shag you right away.

I hope I'm wrong, and yy triple y to this 'I am not worthy nonsense'.

We don't know if the guys is honest and genuine or if he is charming on the surface but manipulative underneath. Only the OP will be able to find that out, but she's only known him a short time.

All I'm saying is exactly what you've said, "take precautions and don't give more than you're willing to lose."

Good luck OP! I hope it works out wonderfully.

In my youth - I'm talking 50 years ago - I suppose I was a bit of a "player", a good guy with a decent car, job, etc. I seemed to get into a pattern of meeting separated and impoverished women with whom I could play an "English gentleman".

I don't think there is anything to do but give it time. Meanwhile, enjoy the romance and the relationship, without giving your heart away.