Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's out of my league

257 replies

nipnips · 21/02/2018 13:33

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

OP posts:
squeaver · 21/02/2018 15:44

I was on his side until your last post, op, sorry.

NotSoSprightly · 21/02/2018 15:47

The only thing that would be likely to put him off is your insecurity.

squeaver · 21/02/2018 15:48

He is a player and he is cheating on his wife. One of those people who loves all the intrigue and complication that can arise in the early stage of a relationship (and which you've delivered with the texts from your ex and now you questioning him). His thrill is seeing how much of a story he can create and how much of it you'll believe.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 15:49

He’s still married. Come on.

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2018 15:49

ohhhhhh honestly that doesn't sound good from your last update.

It would be much better for starting a new relationship if he were actually separated from his current wife before he started, um, dating other women.

If he's so well-off financially, there should be nothing preventing him from living separately. Yes, that would mean he wouldn't get to see his kids every day, but that's what separating means.

he's not being honest to your or his wife or both IMO. Sorry OP :-(

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 15:51

So, you’re cheating on your husband who found out and warned the other bloke who’s cheating on his wife off? Yeah, the pair of you deserve each other...

Which site was this you met on, married friends without benefits.... oops I mean with benefits, froidian slip there. Wink

Anyway welcome to mn Smile.

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 15:51

Hmmmm. He told me she likes his money and doesn't want to break the family up. Yes, I agree. Maybe I've been mugged off. 😞

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 15:53

Are people so thick they fall for tales like that? Yes he’s my ex but he still checks my phone and my wife doesn’t understand me we don’t shag and are in separate beds?

Really?

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 15:54

The ops not exactly separated is she? So they both be cheats together.

StormTreader · 21/02/2018 15:57

Oh, I was so hoping this was going to be a lovely relationship one where it turned out he was genuine...but that last post. Hes cheating on his wife, or they are still so closely entangled that he may as well be. The ED is from the guilt. I'm sorry.

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 15:57

There are a lot of gullible people on mn.

Interesting that no-one has questioned the fact the OP was cheating on her husband “oh, he won’t accept that I want out,” yeah right. Presumably the reason why they are now separating is because the husband found out his wife is cheating on him with some other married bloke.... They’re both as bad as each other, him for the charm offensive “oh I’ve met some dates but never any I liked until now,” and her for so blatantly cheating on her husband and in true cliche fashion trying to make it all about how unreasonable he was being for checking her phone....

StormTreader · 21/02/2018 15:58

If you think he is genuine, say that you'd like to meet his wife for coffee etc so you know everyone knows whats going on, his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 15:59

Why are people saying sorry to the OP? Seriously why? She’s no better than the other bloke. And in answer to the OP yes she’s out of his league because she’s married to someone else. Or have people conveniently chosen to ignore that bit?

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 15:59

have chaos.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:00

*i have chaos.

CupOfJoe · 21/02/2018 16:01

OK, I withdraw my previous statement. He's rapidly starting to sound dodgy.

Does his wife know he's seeing someone? Because it's starting to sound a lot like an affair

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 16:01

if she doesn't want to break up the family then they are not separated!
I think both of you need to sort out the relationships you're in now.

CupOfJoe · 21/02/2018 16:02

OP, does YOUR husband know the relationship is over?

Original poster
nipnips · 21/02/2018 16:03

Wrong. My husband and I are separating because the marriage is dead. We'd become strangers and I saw no future for us so I ended it. This was 6 months ago. He still thinks I will let him move back in once I'm over my midlife crisis. I won't.
He checked my phone because he's a knobhead. We have kids together so seeing each other is unavoidable unfortunately.

OP posts:
SoFancy · 21/02/2018 16:03

I was all for it until the 'we're separated, but living together for convenience...and she is cold and distant and I just need luuuuuurve' claptrap.

He's married. You're a distraction. You're definitely out of HIS league, so move on.

winglesspegasus · 21/02/2018 16:05

nip
does the site you"found'each other on still have his profile up?'have you looked thru other social sites to see if he is there as well??
just a thought

as others have said be careful and be proactive.pay attention
and you are worthy of all you want
leagues are for hockey,football and ocean depths

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:06

You can see each other without letting him have your phone.

Timefortea99 · 21/02/2018 16:06

He is after a bit on the side. Don't be gullible. What I have just said is completely opposite to what I was going to write. I was going to say, give the guy a break, don't overthink it, go with the flow. But the fact he still lives with his wife is a no no. You are being played. Tell him you will be him when you are both free of spouses. I doubt you will hear from him again, onto the next victim.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 16:07

Plus. You refer to your “ex” as your husband in the post about him sending the messages.

How long exactly was the “shorter than you’d have liked” cooling off period?

purpleprincess24 · 21/02/2018 16:08

Until I read your post about him still living with his wife I was going to say go for it ... but this is a HUGE red flag ... I don’t believe for one minute that they don’t share a bedroom

But there are genuine men out there. My DH is a high earner and I was a single parent when we met but he wined and dined me, took me on holidays, bought me nice things, just to make me happy ... we’ve been together 20 years, married for 13 and he is the love of my life

We lived 200 miles apart and we did the commute virtually every weekend for 3 years before my son and I moved to live with him ... I had a company car until then and whilst I could have got finance to buy a new car, he bought me the car I wanted outright

We are an equal partnership and most of all best friends

We must have done something right as our 25 year old sons still live with us 😍

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread