To think he's out of my league

[nipnips]

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

Money is what you earn, not who you are. It is a shallow and sad person who judges someone's worth by what they earn or do for a living. There will always be people with more / less than you.

You have found someone with whom you have a connection - trust in that and remember that you are just as worthy of love and a good relationship as he is. As to where it will go, only time will tell, but as long as you feel free to be yourself, then it sounds pretty good

Money can come and go; character and personality tend to remain pretty stable and it's this that keeps relationships going!

OP from everything you've said he sounds wonderful, and a good fit with you and your lifestyle. Maybe you both needed a push in each other's directions? It's good that you're taking things slow, try not to over think it (easier said than done, I know!)

He may just get bored quickly and then loses interest and moves and that's why he's single. You'd have to meet his exes to find out if these are classic lines he uses on everyone and if you're his usual 'type' as it were.

Lol this sounds like a baseline for fifty shades 😊 honestly sounds like a great guy. Although asking him to not talk about money may be a bit too far. He may be proud at what he’s achieved. That shouldn’t be taken away from him. If you’ve got a spark I’d say go for it.

Thanks, OP, I now have an earworm - Patrick Swayze singing 'she's outta my leeeeaaaagggue'

There's nothing in your post to suggest he's not what he says he is.

If you like him and fancy him, go for it! Money is NOT everything.

Have you ever thought that he might like someone who is not driven like him.
Someone he can relax with and not compete about who is busiest.
Stop pushing him away just because he has done well in life and had money.
He sounds very nice to me. See how it goes and stop being an inverted snob. Also if he wants to buy you a gift, let him, it's actually nice for him to want to treat you well.
If you don't want him, hand him over!

CanadianJohn In my youth - I'm talking 50 years ago - I suppose I was a bit of a "player", a good guy with a decent car, job, etc. I seemed to get into a pattern of meeting separated and impoverished women with whom I could play an "English gentleman".

That made me smile - who did you eventually settle down with, if anyone?

I agree with CupOfJoe, OP by all means be cautious and take your time with him, but don't over think it and risk scuppering what might turn out to be a wonderful and rewarding relationship. No one here has met him and all the conjectures are just that conjectures. From what you've said it sounds just as reasonable to assume he's the one who's hit gold by meeting someone genuine who isn't interested in how much he makes, but who he is. You sound lovely and I hope the relationship turns out to be the real thing. Give yourself the chance to find out whether it is.

I think the OP might be talking about my recently found-out-to-be-cheating exH.

The facts say it all - old, separated, dated numerous women in the past year, unattractive, good talker, can't get it up, met online, full of his own self-importance, lies about his financial means. OMG, I couldn't write it!

Good luck OP.

Oh God livingontheedge. Apart from the old and unattractive part I can't deny the rest. He did have a bit of performance anxiety in the first couple of weeks. 🙈
What area do you come from?

He’s not out of your league but he is looking for a booty call. He’s a massive player and I’m surprised any women on this thread are taken in.

Bluedog and CanadianJohn have said pretty much what I was going to.

This is his MO - he finds women online of lower socio-economic level (not in any real terms!] because you’re more vulnerable, more grateful and less demanding. Then plays the white knight. Charm, flattery etc. He’s totally in control, has the upper hand, can’t get hurt. Makes sure you don’t live near him so it can’t get awkward when he ends it. It’s win win for him.

You can have anything you want'. And 'what can I buy you

This is a very big red flag btw.

Awwhh I think he sounds lovely!

[nipnips]

He's lives near Carlisle I believe. Far away from me thankfully.

For your sake I hope you dodged that bullet!

has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.

He did have a bit of performance anxiety in the first couple of weeks

Which is it?

'You can have anything you want' ...
Look, as long as he doesn't pull out a contract and calls you his submissive, go for it.
Enjoy, test the waters. Try to keep distance and don't invest yourself completely. See if he is comfortable to introduce you to his circle of friends etc. See how he behaves there and whether he treats you as equal or as an elbow decoration.

He gave the answer I would write if I were him so I don't think that helps any! I'd just go with the flow th if you enjoy dating him then carry on and don't get too heavy too quickly If it's meant to be it will be.

I don't know, some of you ladies are making me feel really paranoid!

Not an intentional drip feed, this has just occurred to me as something that might be relevant. Not long after we started chatting online my ex trawled through my phone and saw our messages. He then sent the new man a series of threatening messages telling him to stay away from his wife or else.
I didn't see all of these messages because my husband deleted them but I saw the last couple of exchanges. My soon to be ex husband said basically back off, and we'll sort it out.
New man said that it had to be my choice, and asked if he could speak to me because he was worried I might have been hurt by a man who thinks violence is a legitimate response.
Then he asked ex to tell me he was sorry for causing me any trouble and he would respect my decision, whatever that may be.
Needless to say that when i found out what the ex had done I was livid. I had 20 odd missed calls on my phone from the new guy and when we finally spoke he said that he knew things were difficult for me right now and that he'd wait for me as long as it took.
This speaks volumes right? Or is it all part of the game?

Husky, we haven't had full sex yet. But he struggled with a bit of performance anxiety when we were indulging in a bit of oral sex. Ok!

I once dated an older, much more successful divorced man with kids. He kept saying that he never thought someone as attractive as me (me!) would be interested in him. He wined and dined me and despite my protestations bought me naice jewellery one month in.

Reader, I married him.

I totally get the people who are suspicious, but he could be genuine. But I have to admit, DH was never a player neither had been dating a lot before we met through work!

Right, so there was no break between your ex and new guy.

I'm suspicious about his suggestion about no sex. How long has this been going on for?

Dunno in what universe a blow job isn’t sex, but okay.

Anyway, with your latest long and absolutely incredible post, I’m out.

nipnips calm down about this, you can't tell if someone is genuine or a player except by observing them over a longer period of time. There's no need to judge this today or even for the next few weeks. Just get to know him slowly and see how he is with family, friends, waiters and waitresses, in other words, look at his actions not his words.

You are working yourself up over this now, texting him crappy messages, to which he has to reply something fairly cliched, what else can he do?

None of us know him, his history or his past. Just keep your eyes open and stop pushing him away in the hopes this tells you something- it won't, a player would reassure you and a genuine nice guy would reassure you. Look for his actions over 6 months, a year, and see whether this works for you. You cannot tell straight away what's going on and that's why they say things like 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' (don't marry him by the way).

He hardly knows you and he'll "wait for you as long as it took".

There are so many alarm bells ringing in my head for you.

Be vigilant. Don't believe what he says, only what he does.

IF he is playing you, he will be very very good at it because he will have done it before. He will skirt so closely to the truth while remaining on the side of lies.

I bet his "performance anxiety" has been blamed on someone or something else? I bet he tells you tales and woes of how he has always been the victim in toxic relationships.

Be careful OP and if you still have the kind of relationship with your "ex" that he has access to your phone, you owe it to yourself, the ex and potentially your new man to extricate yourself 100% before committing yourself to something new.

Yes, there is a break. Not as long as I would have liked, but my ex husband isn't letting go easily. He seems to think I'm having some sort of midlife crisis.

The no sex thing? Since I met him in person obviously. We're close to doing the deed now, but to this point he's stopped us having full sex. He says it's because he promised me he wouldn't take advantage of me and try and have sex with me before getting to know me properly first. 🙈 Yes, I know...
I think I expressed concern in the beginning that he only wanted to come to my home late one night after work for a shag. He promised me he wouldn't lay a finger on me.