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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he's out of my league

257 replies

nipnips · 21/02/2018 13:33

I am fairly recently separated from my husband and after a much shorter cooling off period than I'd planned, I've gone and met someone else.
He's 4 years older than me and also separated. He's dated a few women over the last year or two but hasn't found anyone he wanted to see more of. Until now, he says.
We met online, and spent a number of weeks chatting daily. He's witty and playful, and although I wasn't sure about whether I would find him attractive after receiving some photos from him, I knew we'd at least become friends so I arranged to meet him in a local pub for a drink.
As it turns out, we hit it off. Conversation flowed, he made me feel good, he looked great in the flesh and I fancied him. When we left the pub together we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek and went home.
An hour later he messaged me to tell me that he thought our date was 'electric' and couldn't wait to see me again.
To cut a long story short he's been driving cross country to spend time with me, he treats me with total respect and has suggested we wait before we have sex. So I know he's in it for me as a person, rather than sex.
On paper it all sounds lovely, but something is bothering me. He has a very high powered well paid career. He is incredibly driven and successful, the type of man who gets up at 5am to go to the gym before jetting off to close a multi million pound deal, then finishing the day with a meeting on the board of governors for his daughter's school.
Then there's me. I'm skint. I drive a clapped out old banger and run a crappy little business from home which fits in well around my children, but i'm hardly raking it in. Until I met him I was happy with my place in society, so I don't really need people coming along to tell me I have low self-esteem etc. I don't.
I just wonder why he's interested in a relationship with me? Will my lack of drive and ambition be too much for him to bare? Can a relationship like this work, where one person is contributing so much and the other so little?
I've asked him not to be flash or talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable, and he listened. He's been really trying, but it still bugs me.
Am I better off letting this one go?

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 21/02/2018 15:04

I’m going to guess he might have some issues that you don’t know about yet. Perhaps sexually but obviously time will tell on that.

farangatang · 21/02/2018 15:06

Tatiana " he finds women online of lower socio-economic level (not in any real terms!] because you’re more vulnerable, more grateful and less demanding. "

Really??? That's a mighty big assumption about (and slur on) women of 'lower socio-economic status' !

Original poster

nipnips · 21/02/2018 15:07

Yeah, am beginning to get concerned about the sex thing now.

I think I need to take a step back and stop hurtling headlong in to a 'relationship' with him. Thank you for helping me think this through ladies.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 15:11

Really??? That's a mighty big assumption about (and slur on) women of 'lower socio-economic status'!

No it’s not it’s a slur on these type of guys, I’ve met quite a few.

Chanelprincess · 21/02/2018 15:12

OP But he struggled with a bit of performance anxiety when we were indulging in a bit of oral sex

Performance anxiety or full blown ED? [hmmm]

wysteriafloribunba · 21/02/2018 15:12

Hmmm, I'd be wary myself. Why is he separated? Is he even separated. Don't even go there until he is divorced.

These very driven guys are hard to live with. Can be quite controlling. Go completely over the top in the inital stages, then once comfortable revert their focus to their work and their hobbies. I speak generally, but I've seen it a lot in the profession I worked in. I wouldn't recommend getting into a relationship. Have some fun maybe and see where it goes

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2018 15:12

This speaks volumes right? Or is it all part of the game?

It could be--unfortunately there are some men out there who like to appear as "rescuers" to women getting out of abusive or sticky relationships, before they start doling out control/abuse themselves.

Not saying that's true of this guy, but you should be aware that this dynamic does happen.

Don't freak out, just take your time and don't feel bad about taking your time or thinking about things very carefully.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 15:14

Either he has ongoing ED issues or he’s fucking someone else.

Why would does he even have to make a point of not taking advantage of you if he’s not?

Chanelprincess · 21/02/2018 15:14

TatianaLarina Sadly, me too. The town I live in is full of guys like you describe and sadly women always seem to fall for them.

That's not to say there aren't good guys out there and OP's guy may well be one of them.

MagnaFlos · 21/02/2018 15:18

I've just read this thread from the beginning - nipnips, please don't throw your relationship away because of the suspicions of some random people on the Internet! Your guy sounds great. You are sensible to be looking out for red flags but I really don't see any at this point. Why don't you just go with it and see what happens?

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 15:23

You were still way way involved with your ex when you started dating. If you were a bloke or a new GF you’d be the OW.

EFFECTIVELY this new Man was the OM.

No wonder he can’t keep it up.

Oral sex is sex, by the way. Not foreplay. The clue’s in the name.

Curlyshabtree · 21/02/2018 15:24

Have your wits about you. You sound like you’re under no illusions, keep it cool and see what happens?
FWIW I had a LTR with a older, very successful professional guy I when I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar) in a pizza restaurant. I too had similar, but unfounded, doubts.

MrsDilber · 21/02/2018 15:27

He sounds great, go for it. There are good men out there who will love you for being you and you ARE enough.

Scotsrule · 21/02/2018 15:28

MagnaFlos Wed 21-Feb-18 15:18:23
I've just read this thread from the beginning - nipnips, please don't throw your relationship away because of the suspicions of some random people on the Internet! Your guy sounds great. You are sensible to be looking out for red flags but I really don't see any at this point. Why don't you just go with it and see what happens?

👆 this!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 21/02/2018 15:29

DH's income is vastly different to mine and his family are ridiculously well-off. I don't think either of us really registered it til a few dates in (met in a pub, drinks and dinner dates over a month, I paid for the 3rd date at the cinema, he paid for the 4th date at a restaurant, it had seemed pretty 'fair') when he suggested we have a mini break and booked us a weekend somewhere incredibly expensive and I had a little panic thinking that I'd never be able to compete or match that.

We worked it out through compromise; when we bought our home I saved and used the money from my own house so that we could put an equal deposit down. I refused to give up my job after DCs despite him suggesting it because my job is part of my identity and my independence. It works if you're both willing to compromise and not make money the focus.

Not every high-earner is a total dick. However, I've met some of the people DH works with and lots are utter twats, so I can well believe Tatiana's assertions that plenty of high-earners are complete tosspots.

Original poster

nipnips · 21/02/2018 15:30

He had trouble maintaining an erection when we were messing around. He said it was because he was nervous. I was concerned at the time but obviously didn't want to make an issue of it.

I know oral sex is sex, thank you. But by full sex I think it's clear that we haven't played hide the sausage yet. Ffs.

OP posts:

pollythedolly · 21/02/2018 15:31

My lovely DH is exactly like you OP. I'm the one in a profession and shortly we are moving so I can start a fantastic new job which will be amazing for us. He says things like you do, to me, and I don't have any of it. Your new man sounds alright! He's respecting what you've asked him not to do. His job doesn't define him and he's telling you that.

Enjoy it!

Original poster

nipnips · 21/02/2018 15:35

He's told me a bit about his marriage. He's been separated a while but they still live in the same house. He claims that this is because he doesn't want to ask her permission to see his children. They apparently live on different floors of the house.
He told me he was together with her for 15 years and married for 9. After 2 years of marriage they had a family and things started going wrong. She's emotionally cold and refuses to sleep in the same bed as him. He said he craves being touched and hugged because he hadn't had that for years.
He said he likes her and she's a good person, but he doesn't love her any more.
I know all of this is just his version of events, but a bit more background for you anyway.

OP posts:

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2018 15:36

I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar)

haha my fav earworm!

Queenoftheblitz · 21/02/2018 15:42

Yes he's out of your league, based on his success and wealth.
Sadly films like Brigit Jones have got us ordinary women thinking high flying alpha males will be fighting in the street over us, because they like us just the way we are.

The fact is there are leagues and they're based on success and money. I know I am out of the league of Kevin the shelf stacker round the corner although Kevin maybe a lovely person.

It may be that he thinks he is out of your league but he's not gonna admit that. He's probably got a few women on the go - men like him are the most sought after.

I hope he turns out to be one of the good ones but do try and protect yourself.

pollythedolly · 21/02/2018 15:42

You will get mixed responses to this. Personally this sounds plausible to me BUT is it for financial reasons and not about asking permission....if the former, I'd be concerned for the future...

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 15:43

Faceplam. He’s cheating on his wife OP. You’re the OW.

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 15:43

That doesnt sound good op. sorry.
why would he have to ask permission to see his kids of she's a good person
do they eat together? family weekends!?
even if they are separating, it sounds like very early days

HonkyWonkWoman · 21/02/2018 15:43

Oh for goodness sake just see how it goes. He could be a really nice guy and you are letting pp put you off before you've even given him a chance.
If he's not then you'll soon realise and can dump him.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 15:44

This is why you’re in a different town, so she doesn’t find out.

Please go and read the thread of lines that cheating men give their OW. All yours are listed.

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