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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children are babied too much these days

462 replies

BlueMirror · 21/02/2018 10:20

I think it's really sad that many children aren't allowed the independence I had when I was younger. We live on a very quiet road and while some primary age children are allowed to play outside and climb the trees in the field opposite many aren't.
I also know of 18/19 yr olds who live at home and are basically treated like young teens with their parents calling them by the minutes to check on them, restricting where they can go/who they can see. They are adults!
Aibu to think that if you aren't even allowed out of the door by yourself until you're 11 then you're not going to be fully independent by age 18 and that adolescence now seems to extend into the 20's for many young people?
Supervised 'play dates' for 10+ year olds now seem to be a thing going by threads on here! What happened to going and knocking on your friends doors and seeing who could come out?
For comparison it was normal when I was younger to walk yourself to school age 7 and children played outside from much younger. By the time you hit your teens you were expected to be responsible and behave as an adult with all the freedoms that go with that. Aibu to think that kids are generally overprotected these days?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 23/02/2018 16:06

I think you are exaggerating to make a point. I don't live in a gangland but a busy road. Kids don't play in the streets here. When they are 11 they are capable of travelling to school by themselves, yes.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2018 16:26

'I think you are exaggerating to make a point. I don't live in a gangland but a busy road. Kids don't play in the streets here.'

I agree. We don't live in a gangland but, like many, live in a flat on a busy road - our entrance is on the 1st floor and there's no garden, only a car park and then the road, which has no lights and is 30mph, a speed limit that is often ignored. In addition, the building is home to more than a few people who have a criminal background. So no, I don't send my kids to play out. DS is 9 and has autism, DD2 is 12 and the guy downstairs has a mate staying with him often who has done time for rape.

JustDanceAddict · 23/02/2018 16:33

I was born in the early 70s and apart from my immediate neighbours, all my play dates were arranged in advance. My friends weren’t that local so either a mile plus walk, or car ride. I took public transport to school from age 11, same as my kids. By mid-teens was travelling all over the place - so is my teen DD allowed. Ds starting to at 13 - but that was more his confidence issue than mine.
I think a lot of it is dependent on where you live, what type of street etc, if you went to a local primary (I did, but not everyone was that local).
There is also a lot more traffic these days, mobile phones etc I risk of not looking properly. Maybe roads were generally safer in the 70s?

DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 16:37

I phone my 19 year old all the time, otherwise he phones me...
that is because I worry about him and he knows it, not because he is being 'babied'.
IN fact his demographic are more in danger of being killed or attacked than anyone else in the city...
so yes I will fone him, I don't care if anyone thinks I am 'babying' him.

Original poster
BlueMirror · 23/02/2018 16:55

So when they are 11 they are safe around busy roads but at 10 it is dangerous and neglectful to allow it? Confused

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2018 16:58

'IN fact his demographic are more in danger of being killed or attacked than anyone else in the city...
so yes I will fone him, I don't care if anyone thinks I am 'babying' him.'

You are right about that, too.

Helmetbymidnight · 23/02/2018 18:24

So when they are 11 they are safe around busy roads but at 10 it is dangerous and neglectful to allow it?

You see no difference between walking to school and playing out in the street?

Confused
CB1234 · 23/02/2018 18:52

From experience it took about a year to build up to what's expected for secondary. My son will be at secondary school in about 18 months. He has never played out or walked alone to school. He has started to go to the shop for me (no roads). That's partly because no one plays out where we live, and we live on a busy road but mostly because my son has no interest in doing it. I have a plan to encourage him to start walking part of the way to school once I am happy he is better with roads. I don't think I am some unusual example of parents to be held up. I imagine most parents do the same. I suspect I will need to encourage my son more so than my daughter who very much led the changes she needed. So it's not the case of going from doing nothing independently to getting the bus to secondary. I think most of us are aware we need to prepare our children and do it when they are year 5/6 (not sure of Scottish equivalent but basically the end of primary) so they become independent quite quickly versus the slower independence garnered from playing out from a young age. Personally, I think my children are kept safer than I was at the same age when I was wandering about.

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2018 18:54

How does phoning him keep him safe? Genuine question

As dd won’t phone me as it’s dangerous to be distracted on phone whilst walking across city.

crunchymint · 23/02/2018 20:29

For young men, the danger times are leaving pubs at drinking up time or nightclubs, or being on the streets then. It is the picking fights between young men that makes it dangerous. Or being involved in drugs or gangs. There are innocent men murdered by strangers, but most murdered are already involved in pretty dodgy stuff.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 20:41

We live in a nice area and not on a busy road but I still didn't let mine play out, a nice area isn't a babysitter or surrogate parent.

We prepared them in time to travel to secondary school alone, just like other parents did. Most don't let children wander around here.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 21:58

We live in a nice area and not on a busy road but I still didn't let mine play out, a nice area isn't a babysitter or surrogate parent.

We prepared them in time to travel to secondary school alone, just like other parents did. Most don't let children wander around here.

IamPickleRick · 23/02/2018 22:49

I would agree with that Crunchymint. A lot of our trouble here are revenge attacks. Not all but a lot. Particularly that spate last year where the stabbings were relentless. I know because friends children who were at school with them told me, that a few of the boys were younger brothers of older gang members and were being coached (there is a youth division of the gang in question) to avenge each other.

The muggings however are random. Any poor soul that happens to look like a decent kid that won’t fight back. Even groups are targeted at the donut shop/McDonald’s.

Men leaving the pub? Barely any pubs left here! The ones that remain are in the nicer areas and don’t see much trouble. Depends on the area again though, a man was battered to death just walking along the street in the Highway.

crunchymint · 23/02/2018 23:06

True I am behind the times talking about pubs. New pubs have opened in my area. They are real ale pubs with food and frequented by people my age.

gutrotweins · 23/02/2018 23:44

I think OP has a good point re. parents accompanying 18 year olds to uni open days and even older dc to job interviews!

Ds was one of the very few unaccompanied teens when he went to open days, and rather than ask about job prospects and course content (which I would have been tempted to do!), he talked to students and got a feel for how they were enjoying the course and the social life. Also, he had to get there using public transport, often travelling 100s of miles in a day. This was a much more useful experience than he would have had if I'd been buzzing around in the background.

Original poster
BlueMirror · 24/02/2018 00:01

Of course there's a difference. But in terms of traffic my kids are safer playing out on the field opposite than they are walking to school.

OP posts:
StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 24/02/2018 00:04

I don’t think children are babied more as such it’s just that the world seems more dangerous, with all the news available 24/7 people are maybe more aware of things that could go wrong. I would prefer to let my children (nursery and primary age) just play in my garden at the moment so that I know for a fact that they are safe

Helmetbymidnight · 24/02/2018 08:42

Yes, I see that you live in a 'very quiet road' with fields opposite.

Good for you. Well done.

BothersomeCrow · 24/02/2018 09:35

I don't think it's changed much since the 80s - most people have busy roads around so can't let young children play out, but spend time with their kids in Y5/6 trying to instil the skills they'll need for secondary.

Though dss has ASD and has only recently been trusted not to absent-mindedly walk into a road, and keeps walking past his own house, so teaching him routes to school and how to cross roads is likely to take a while.
Ds is scared of traffic and rightly so, so I'm trying to get him to cross the two streets between us and the newsagent. Might work better letting him go to the playground while I'm in the supermarket (there's a crossing).

On the whole, he seems able to do try things about 2 years older than I was, whether because he's a boy or has ASD or just fearful and lazy I don't know, but he will now get up and fill the kettle for me and sometimes pour it and make me tea. Until it gets warmer I'm going to concentrate on pushing that skill 😀.

gluteustothemaximus · 24/02/2018 19:22

We've just been out to town today.

There were scores of young kids (age 10 ish and up) - in several groups - yelling, screaming, saying 'fuck' every other word.

My kids aren't going into town and hanging around with them.

They are perfectly independent, capable children. They don't need to go and hang about parks/shops etc to learn how to 'be an adult'. They'll learn how to be an adult from emulating us.

YouTheCat · 24/02/2018 19:33

Totally agree with the OP. I can see reasons why some kids aren't allowed out unsupervised these days but not everyone lives in a city, with busy roads.

I see so many children who are just not equipped with basic skills. They can't sort out minor squabbles within their friendship groups without an adult intervening (not talking about bullying or anything serious here) and I think it's purely because they are never able to play with their friends without there being an adult present. They don't know how to walk safely down the street because there is always an adult to point out any hazards. It's a bit sad really.

Natsku · 25/02/2018 08:07

but he will now get up and fill the kettle for me and sometimes pour it and make me tea. Until it gets warmer I'm going to concentrate on pushing that skill

That is an essential skill, we would be very bad parents indeed if we didn't teach our children to make tea for us Grin Another very very important one is to teach them how to use the washing machine and as practice makes perfect they can do the laundry every day to make sure they learn.

ferntwist · 25/02/2018 08:22

YANBU. I see this exact phenomenon and it’s such a shame. Parents are making life so exhausting for themselves and children are staying babies for years. It’s why so many uni students are snowflakes.

BeyondThePage · 25/02/2018 08:44

Always other people's kids though - who are babied, snowflakes, unable to form relationships etc... mine are just fine. Grin

crazymumofthree · 25/02/2018 08:55

I consider this quite a lot, we used to have an alley behind our house (basically a through road for car to access the garages at the back of their gardens) me and my brother would be in and out of there and the garden with neighbours from about age 7-10, in the summer after finishing year 6 I was allowed to the park at the end of the road (one busy main road with a crossing), me and my friend used to go on our bikes just exploring for the day, into town and then from about age 13/14 to our local swimming pool (about a half an hour bus journey), all this time without mobile phones just the premise to be back before it gets dark!

My cousin whom is now 13 had only just started being allowed out alone which schocked me.

My DS is now 8, will be 9 in September and is very sensible, I am sure he could very easily walk to the shop and back there is one small road however I know it would be frowned upon in our area, there are too many what if's and also he is type 1 diabetic so that adds an additional worry for me because I worry if he was feeling unwell etc. At the same time I know by secondary school he will need to make him own way in and so I need to prepare him for this to some extent!!