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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children are babied too much these days

462 replies

BlueMirror · 21/02/2018 10:20

I think it's really sad that many children aren't allowed the independence I had when I was younger. We live on a very quiet road and while some primary age children are allowed to play outside and climb the trees in the field opposite many aren't.
I also know of 18/19 yr olds who live at home and are basically treated like young teens with their parents calling them by the minutes to check on them, restricting where they can go/who they can see. They are adults!
Aibu to think that if you aren't even allowed out of the door by yourself until you're 11 then you're not going to be fully independent by age 18 and that adolescence now seems to extend into the 20's for many young people?
Supervised 'play dates' for 10+ year olds now seem to be a thing going by threads on here! What happened to going and knocking on your friends doors and seeing who could come out?
For comparison it was normal when I was younger to walk yourself to school age 7 and children played outside from much younger. By the time you hit your teens you were expected to be responsible and behave as an adult with all the freedoms that go with that. Aibu to think that kids are generally overprotected these days?

OP posts:
Graphista · 22/02/2018 21:58

And when they're teens? Are they going to be allowed freedom to go to the mall just to hang out then? Or McDonald's or wherever?

I have a 17 year old and have also been a youth leader in various guises.

Teens want and need their own space away from adults.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 21:58

Learning to deal with boredom
that's why we send the kids to school Grin

I don't remember being bored as a child, let alone as a teenager. None of us were allowed to play in the street or disappear for an entire day. We watched tv when we were sick or injured, there wasn't even time during the week otherwise anyway. None of us has been left traumatised, and we are all functioning adults.

I am not feeling remotely bad not to let my kids meet or drink in public park when they have a house. I am not in the same room, they don't need a chaperon, but we know where they are. It worked for me.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:00

None of us likes shopping, there's nothing ghastlier than shopping centers, crammed with cheap nasty shops - like Claire or Topshophmm

OK I agree with none of this. I like shopping, murder is ghastlier, and Topshop is hardly cheap these days. Or nasty?

Besides the point.

I disagree with the idea that a long school day crammed with sports/hobbies every day is inherently healthy, because it leaves kids no downtime to just chill, relax and be in their own thoughts. But we can agree to disagree.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:03

I don't remember being bored as a child, let alone as a teenager. None of us were allowed to play in the street or disappear for an entire day. We watched tv when we were sick or injured, there wasn't even time during the week otherwise anyway.

And this is obviously why you treat your kids the same way. I had a lot of space and time to myself and to hang out with friends which I really, really, really appreciated and would do the same for mine. I also have never done drugs/gone off the rails and have a great relationship with family, so that approach worked.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:04

Many years before ours are 17, but I'd assume they'd be very busy indeed with their studies Hmm.
The house is big enough for everybody to have their own rooms to entertain if so needed , however, seeing the late teens of friends', 'hanging' around , 'doing nothing' seems to be not on the agenda. Sports and lots and lots of studying.... Occasional party or a bash. All good.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:06

Oh, there I completely agree with you, Yolo. Down-time, just doing nothing or being bored is marvellous. I positively force mine to be bored.
They become so much more creative after the initial grumpiness.

Graphista · 22/02/2018 22:09

"Sports and lots and lots of studying." Wow! Sorry but that really doesn't sound good for their mental health to me.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:09

A-levels keep you somewhat busy, on weeknights for sure. However weekends and summer holidays (in my day) were free. Are you really going to deny them a party in the park, going to a Festival or just having a picnic/trip to Costa/all-day bike ride with their mates?

"Hanging around" doesn't have to mean smoking spliffs and terrorising old people. There's ASBO behaviour and then there's just healthy hanging around, like going for a nice walk or sunbathing in the park with the girls.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:16

Well, given the acceptance to Oxbridge rates amongst the hard-studying teen-DCs of friends/aquintances -- they are doing just what the like, as they seem to know what they want to achieve Hmm.

BumDisease · 22/02/2018 22:20

No pressure on them then, eh? Hmm

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:23

Oxbridge isn't the be-all and end-all of someone's life. The people I know that went were extremely stressed, one says she wished she'd accepted Durham instead, 3 dropped out and one battled depression for 2 years after.

It's quite a steep goal to have. And it puts a lot of pressure on them. Just be careful they don't crumble under that pressure, and let them just enjoy being kids. They have all their life to be busy, stressed and work.

"This must be the optimal way of life because it will get them into Oxbridge" is very flawed. There is a whole wealth of mental health problems faced there, and caused by high-pressure busy lifestyles, as @Graphista pointed out.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:25

We have couple od 20 yr old apprentices in our office at the moment who are considering dropping out of their law studies because apparently studying so hard is bad for their 'mental health' .
We can only wish them 'good luck' in whatever their chosen career will be as it definitely won't be with us.
They don't see it this way, apparently working hard is not as important as having lots of time to go to Nando's Shock.
Social mobility is never going to get going here, is it....

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:28

DC reading their chosen subjects at Oxbridge did it because they really wanted it and worked damn hard to get there. Every single one still up is absolutely loving it.
Apprentices in our offices are not from Oxbridge.

BumDisease · 22/02/2018 22:30

"We have couple od 20 yr old apprentices in our office at the moment who are considering dropping out of their law studies because apparently studying so hard is bad for their 'mental health' .
We can only wish them 'good luck' in whatever their chosen career will be as it definitely won't be with us.
They don't see it this way, apparently working hard is not as important as having lots of time to go to Nando's shock.
Social mobility is never going to get going here, is it...."

Do you realise how pretentious that sounds?

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:34

But long hours and workaholism has been proved to be bad for mental health. That's why countries like Scandinavia are moving away from long hours to 6 hour days...they're also rated as some of the happiest countries in the world.

That's great, but I also know people who were extremely smart and hard working and did not enjoy the immense pressure of the shorter terms and workload, and feel they could have strived at university more elsewhere.

Mental health is a real and serious issue, not something to be sneered at because you work 60+ hour weeks and think everyone should too, and they can put up or shut up. That post sounded very snobby.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:35

And people working very long hours or with very busy schedules, often later get struck with burnout, depression or chronic fatigue.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:38

But I don't work 60hr weeks, well, not anymore, not since I had my family. I also happen to be rather familiar with Scandiland.....
Grit and hard graft is something a young person must be able to produce, firstly in their studies then in their work. If they can't, they should shut up about unfairness of the society.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:43

Yes, I agree that if you don't work hard you can't really complain.

But there's grit and hard graft at a university working 9-4:30, 5 or 6 days a week (for example) and socialising often, then there's working 12 hour days 7 days a week with no chance of a night out in 8 weeks, which is what my Oxbridge friends were reporting doing.

Obviously you are at university to learn and get a good degree but it's also an amazing life experience and time to enjoy socialising and make the most of your friends being round the corner. Again, there is a balance.

YoloSwaggins · 22/02/2018 22:44

Obvs if you work 2 hours a day, watch Countdown, go clubbing 3x a week then you can't complain when you get a 2.2 and end up working in a coffee shop.

wakemeupbefore · 22/02/2018 22:56

I partied with the best of them, really, such fab memories, but boy, did I cram..... When it counted, I squeezed every drop of graft and blood-sweat-tears- to get where I wanted to go. I knew that being without ties-i.e. DC or DH , it was my time to achieve. It wasn't easy but I did it. Getting somewhere worth-while is never easy.
It's not Nando's.

Graphista · 22/02/2018 22:59

"Do you realise how pretentious that sounds?" Not just that it sounds bloody callous!

"If they can't, they should shut up about unfairness of the society." Fuck me! I feel sorry for your kids.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 23:02

And this is obviously why you treat your kids the same way
Obviously, but I had a really happy childhood, a really happy teenagehood (?), I went backpacking when I was old enough, studied in another country, and moved to work in another one.
Having strict parents and a busy timetable didn't do me or my sisters any harm, not made us unable to function independently as adults.

If Scandinavia was such a dream country, why are there so many Scandinavian living in London?

crunchymint · 22/02/2018 23:18

Yolo Except anyone poorer who has to work to go, can't do that.

crunchymint · 22/02/2018 23:24

Just wanted to comment on the earlier comment of thinking it is sad to seen teens hanging around shopping centres. You don't understand what they are doing. You go down with friends, hang around and chat, and crucially chat to boys. You can not do the latter in your bedroom with friends.

wakemeupbefore · 23/02/2018 00:19

'If Scandinavia was such a dream country, why are there so many Scandinavian living in London?'

Sorry to shatter the commonly-held belief that Scandinavian countries are all milk-and-honey. Life's grand and very fair but one is expected to do produce a day's-worth of work in hours allocated. Work ethic is second to none and that's the reason why shorter days are introduced.
Moaning and complaining and general snow-flakery won't get you your 4 hour day Hmm.