Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

It still isn’t clear to me he is the main financial contributor. The house is ops, he has one in London , I don’t get the impression he pays more than 0.5 bills. I cAnt tell financially how different he is from single. Op if you are keeping finances separate you need to consider is this fair for your savings and pension if he isn’t contributing anything and it’s not joint. Because to build those up you need to both work equivalently.

You need to make time to have a long , sit down conversation with him.
As you have now told us it was his idea to move up to Yorkshire and then him to stay over in London 2 nights / 3 days, then you need to find out what it was about this idea he thought was good. Then find out in what way things haven't turned out as he expected.
Initially, I assumed he was working from home the other 2 days, but I've now got the impression he is just 'occupying himself' ?
Would it work for you to make yourself unavailable during the day 2 days a week (maybe this part time job), so he actually spends some proper full days with your dd and starts to bond with her, and see what he is missing ? I see you have been breastfeeding, but as she is now 6 months I presume you will be introducing some food, and you could still feed morning and night if you wanted to.

It just strikes me that he hasn't made the mental switch from your previous life together, to your new life together. Obviously the change has been massive for you, but he doesn't seem to have made that bond yet ? If he is in Yorkshire 4 days/5 nights, and looking after dd for 2 of those days, you still have 2 days together, and you get a break from dd and he gets to understand what it is like being parent to a baby.
After 6 months of that, then you can think about what is going to work best for your family long term, but he just hasn't understood what being a parent is about yet.

'What like? Presumably he'll be the spawn of Satan if he dares expect her to work and help finance family life? It's not 1950 anymore, lots of men don't want a kept wife.'

No, instead they want one that's all 50/50, except not when it comes to lifework. This man seems to want her to keep up with the ol' 50/50, but have dinner waiting on the table for him, do all the childcare, sort all the life work whilst he goes on the lash and plays golf with his mates. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

OP, wake up and smell the coffee! This is a non-starter. You need to get a FT job up there and tell him to sling his hook.

it just strikes me that he hasn't made the mental switch from your previous life together, to your new life together

Yep. I think he’s at a crossroads with two lives running parallel. He can either step up and fully engage with his new family, or re-commit to his old life. He’s seems to be choosing the old life.

lots of men don't want a kept wife.

Oh a great many do want the 'kept wife' as in wife running home, children and family life - they just don't want to finance it. Its called having your cake and eating it and here in 2018 many men still think being the main financial earner entitles them to have both.

'If he said to me ' I want you to move because I miss you and the baby' I think I wouldn't be going through such a push and pull in my mind.'

I totally get where you are coming from here and would probably do the same.

My Dp did a huge commute for 3 years

I actually offered at one point that we should all move, but I knew he ultimately wanted to wait and get a transfer 'home' which eventually he did.

I don't envy you Op but I'd tell him exactly your fears and how you are feeling about all this

I'm confused - in your OP you said he pays for everything but you later say you pay 50/50?

Yep he’s using the provider line to manoeuvre what he wants.

Agreed. I would have to deal with his belief that his current role in the marriage gives him a greater say than your role before deciding anything else.

Personally I wouldn't move in these circumstances.

And agree completely with this

Oh a great many do want the 'kept wife' as in wife running home, children and family life - they just don't want to finance it. Its called having your cake and eating it

Be careful OP.

Sounds like they both have properties and until recently OP had her wages and they split bills. But OP’s job is in London, she doesn’t wish to return, and if she WoH up north her H will not be there to share parenting/domestics.

So he thinks that because he's the 'provider' he should not have a compromised life (so I guess this means, as the 'homemaker' you should?), yet wants you to earn your own money part time?

I'm thinking less of him now.

“We lived in central London and we both hated it. I'd never bring up a child there and my life revolves around going out and getting drunk etc. I can't do any of that now.”

Indeed. But he still wants to go out and get drunk. While you stay at home with the baby (wherever that home might be).

Given that you live near family now, they could actually babysit while you go out (individually with friends or as a couple). But he doesn’t want that, does he? He wants to go out in London, living the single businessman life.

As others have pointed out, he could still have social/leisure time up north. But he’s decided he’s the big shot main earner and that gives him the right to go back to his old lifestyle even though everything has changed for you.

I really don’t think you should “wait and see” when it comes to deciding when and whether to go back to work. I think it’s pretty crucial a. that you do go back to work at some point in the next 6 months and b. that you start thinking about the type of job (location and PT/FT) that you want and that will be compatible with having a young child. Breastfeeding is a red herring. Baby will decrease milk feeds and increase solids. You can still breastfeed morning and evening and express at work if you want.

He has only ever contributed 50% even though he earns twice as much.

He would rather play golf with his mates than see his wife.

He sees himself (on no evidence) as 'the provider' who deserves to have more fun.

He'd happily move his wife away from her support in order to see her less.

I couldn't be married to him but you did and presumably these things mattered less to you when you married him. I see a lot of City boys doing similar. They marry women who are at their level professionally, are a laugh, have fun and play hard with them. Then they marry, have a child and it's suddenly the 1950s. I think they all have a mother/maiden/whore issue personally. And think money = power.

Invariably they either make their wives miserable, have wives who fight back and have decent marriages, or they fuck someone in the office who is exactly like their wife was when they met her.

If you are happy enough with his level of engagement with your life (not saying you are) then can't he just spend more time in London and come up north less? Sounds like you are happy enough without him being there?
Are there jobs in your industry in the area you now live?

Why aren't your joint incomes being pooled? You are expected to contribute 50% of all costs from a part-time wage? Really?

You can definitely start making future plans for work etc now baby is 6 months old. I'm not saying you have to find a job immediately, but you can definitely think about it now, right?!

OP, what's he like financially? Do you have full access to all family money? How are bills paid?

The first 6 months after having a baby are really tough for dads. They often struggle to find their role and bond with a baby who basically only needs their mother, cries, never sleeps and does very little else! I know lots of men who only really started to enjoy parenthood after this phase. I wonder if he might feel differently over the next few months when your baby starts to sit up, crawl, and become a little person. It's so much more fun and inclusive for both parents. He might then find it less appealing to be with friends and away from you more, as he'll be missing out on such a special time with you and the baby. Could you ask him to try and keep the current situation for a few months and then if he still feels the same way, reevaluate your situation?

It just strikes me that he hasn't made the mental switch from your previous life together, to your new life together - I don't see how he can when they don't live together. At the moment he just a part-time dad who sees his child for a few days a week. OP you are married to this man, but people on this thread are working out how you can continue to live separate lives. You have stated that his business is in London and that is not going to change - he can't live with you in Yorkshire so you need to come up with a compromise. Otherwise you will continue to drift farther and farther apart as you grow more rooted in Yorkshire and he continues to live his life hundreds of miles away. I think you need to bite the bullet and give it a try - surely you owe it to your child and to your marriage. Rent out your house in Yorkshire and your flat in London and rent somewhere in the suburbs and give it a go. You are not working at the moment so you have nothing to lose. Join some mother and baby groups, put out some feelers for work and see what childcare is available - if you don't try you'll never know. If it's as disastrous as many people on here think it will be and he's as unsupportive as some have suggested then you can throw in the towel and move back home to Yorkshire and find a job near your parents. At least you'll have tried.

Have RTFT

He seems to have a skewed idea about what family life means, and what he needs to contribute in terms of time. I wonder if he feels pushed out by your family and friends. You say that if you aren’t doing anything you will go to your family and he will go off and do his own thing. Maybe you should keep this for the times he isn’t around, and spend the days he is in Yorkshire working on your life together. He sounds dangerously semi-detached at this stage, and that could be contributing to his hankering for a single life.

I would definitely not consider moving until these issues are resolved.

I agree that his behaviour is very worrying OP.

It also alarms me that you don't have joint finances. Even if you were earning again, how would he spend his extra money? On himself or his child/family? Do you have to ask him for money to buy things for your baby? Put this with all the other issues and I don't think you should move either.

I am not hearing that he wants to build a joint life, but as others have said, just have his cake and eat it. Wife and child is great, just so long as they don't interfere or cost too much. You shouldn't be at his beck and call at weekends either - he should be wanting to spend that time with you both.

Commuting and staying away is far from ideal but I think in ths case it is a smokescreen for (his) bigger issues.

I agree that when baby is young and you are exclusively breastfeeding so he probably doesn't care for her alone for long periods, fathers seem to think sahp is the easy end of the deal. My dh used to wonder what I'd done all day. He pitches in a LOT more now that he has spent some extended time looking after dd. Also now i have a part time job. It shouldn't be, but sadly a non-earning partner often doesn't command respect.

lilian the OP stated that it was HIS plan for them to move to Yorkshire, and HIS plan for him to work less and spend more time in Yorkshire.

Now he has back tracked and rather than saying "I miss you both please come and live with me so we can build a life together", he is actually saying "I want to see my friends more on the weekends".

Coupled with the fact that he earns vastly more than the OP (and seemingly even more if he expands the business) but he does not share this money but expects the OP to pay 50% of all the bills.

Would you leave everything to be with a man who is like this? It is no wonder the OP has serious doubts

beans
“The first 6 months after having a baby are really tough for dads. They often struggle to find their role and bond with a baby who basically only needs their mother, cries, never sleeps and does very little else!”

I disagree with this on several counts.

1. The first 6 months are often tough on mums too, why should dads get all the sympathy?
2. Babies don’t just need their mother, that’s completely ridiculous. Apart from breastfeeding, fathers can do everything mothers can. Parents bond with their babies by looking after them! My DH has always done his share with DS, ever since he was born, and they have a wonderful bond. (Even though I’ve breastfed.)
3. Babies aren’t there to entertain us, so what if they are only interesting after the first 6 months (or however long) when they get more interactive. They still need looking after before that even if it is boring. Mums do it and there’s no reason Dads can’t. The good ones do.

I wonder if he feels pushed out by your family and friends I really think you need to put yourself in your DH's shoes. Imagine living away from home half the week and then coming back to slot into a life lived around your in-laws. I'm not surprised he wants a bit of time with his own friends and a game of golf. He's not asking the OP to give up a job - she doesn't have a job at the moment (it goes without saying she's caring for their baby, but that can happen anywhere). The half a week in Yorkshire thing might well have seemed like a good idea before it became a reality - I think he deserves credit for at least giving it a go. I don't know many couples who would even want to try it. He's not asking the OP to return to their old life in central London he's suggesting a compromise which she won't even try.

This could be a deal breaker for you and since he sounds very demanding and completely unrealistic not to mention wanting to give the illusion of supportive dh who does all this commuting and providing for his wife and child etc, I'd be thinking let him go.

We currently live in the SE. I've been at home for 18 years this summer. We live here as we met in London but I would love to move back up north. Dh won't entertain it while his parents are alive and I've accepted that. I suspect he'll never agree to move north tbh.

But, I see him every night, he's never said I have to go back to work, he listens to me and understands my feelings.

Your h just sounds like he's checked out or marriage and parenthood hasn't been as he imagined.